LIVING OUT YOUR FREEDOM IN RECOVERY

Monday, February 26, 2024

FINDING BALANCE WITH the EMOTIONS of RESENTMENT and FEAR (Part 1)

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

In Step 4 we begin the first of 9 action-based steps, that will be taken WITH God, to bring about personal accountability, repentance, (sincere regret or remorse), and healing - leading to a deeper intimacy with our Creator through the identification of experiences and personal role in the areas of: Resentment; Fear; Pride; and Sex. This week we will be looking at the areas of Resentment and Fear. Before we do though, we will first look at what is happening in the course of this particular step, through breaking it down, by defining key words such as:

Searching: To examine carefully or thoroughly in order to discover; To look into, question or scrutinize; To look at or beneath the superficial aspects of in order to discover motive, reaction, feeling and basic truth.

Fearless: Without fear; Not afraid

Moral: Founded on the fundamental principles of right conduct rather than legalities, enactment or custom.

Inventory: A detailed list of articles, goods, property, etc...(history) identifying: work in progress; Finished goods and stock; Comes from the Latin, (Inventus/Invenire), which means: 'To come upon or find'.

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So to summarize: In Step 4 we are going to fearlessly search out things that have occurred in our lives, as well as our own conduct, identifying those various aspects of our lives in order to determine the parts that are healthy or unhealthy, and then what to do with what is found. I will point out here that although this step does not directly say 'God is part of it'...it is implied through the wording of the step itself.

Explanation: As a human being I have 4 instinctual emotions, (Given to me by my Creator at birth: Resentment/ Fear/ Pride and Sex), and each of these I am fully capable of experiencing without relying upon God. HOWEVER...these emotions left unbalanced lead to problems, (which we will discuss further shortly), and so we NEED the qualities of God to have balance. God's qualities are: Love; Patience; Tolerance; Courage; Humility; and Wisdom. So for me to be able to 'fearlessly' inventory my past conduct and perhaps, painful things that have happened to me, (that up until now I may or may not have dealt with), I am going to need Courage...(i.e. ~ I am going to need GOD!)

So today we will begin by looking at the first of these instinctual emotions known as: Resentment - which comes from the Latin Prefix (re), which means again, (as to repeat) and (sentire), which means to feel. When we are experiencing resentment, we are actually 're-playing' in our mind what happened to us and 're-feeling' that experience. The reason that this emotion, when left unbalanced, can be so harmful, is that what we are actually doing in our mind, is attempting to change the past. You see, we don't resent the future, (because it hasn't happened), and we can't resent the present, (it's not possible). We can only resent the past. So a person ends up in an unhealthy loop of emotion with no solution available to them because there is NO going back in time.

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There are 3 types of Resentment:

(1) Resentment - outside of self

(2) Self-Resentment - comes from unresolved resentment and is when our anger is turned inward

(3) Self Pity - is the final phase of unresolved self-resentment, where self-imposed emotional and/or physical isolation begins. (i.e. - Poor me! Poor me! Pour me another drink!)

Unhealthy resentment stems from an 'emotion led' way of living: (Reactions, Emotions and Feelings), as opposed to an 'action led' way of living: (Actions, Thinking, Reasoning and Planning)

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that resentment is the number one offender that destroys more alcoholics than anything else. But that truth is not limited to alcoholics - it is for everyone! Think about it...when you have harbored anger and bitterness, did it lead to fullness in your life or a lack of it? The destruction from resentment can be seen in broken families and friendships, lost jobs and dreams, etc...

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You might be thinking, "Well, it sounds like resentment is not a good thing - so why would God give it to us?" There actually is a God given purpose for resentment and that was for our survival and to make us competitive - so that we might have success and fulfillment in our lives. (Survival Example: When a newborn is hungry or in need, what does it do? It gets angry and cries until someone figures out what it needs and takes care of it. The baby is not concerned with how tired the caregiver is or what else is going on. It has a need that it can't communicate or take care of and it will get angrier and angrier until that need is met. This design was to ensure the child would survive. / Competitive Example: If someone wanted a job and was qualified for a promotion, but didn't prepare and lost the opportunity to someone less qualified who did prepare...the healthy response would be knowing that the failure was due to lack of personal preparation, (identifying the problem) and determination to be prepared when the next opportunity came, (corrective action).

*The actions of love, tolerance and patience balance the emotion of resentment*

In the inventory we identify FOUR areas:

(1) The people, principles or institutions with whom we have had resentment

(2) What each one did/caused

(3) Its effect on your: self-esteem; personal or sex relations; pride; security; ambitions; pocket book

(4) Where we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened.

-- Often we actually do the first three columns without a problem, and this alone fuels negative resentment. The REASON that column four is so important, is that while we have no control over other people, institutions, past wrongs, etc...the ONE THING that we DO have the ability to change is ourselves. For EACH area that we can find our role, (no matter how obscure), we then gain the ability to bring about change in this area of our life.

The way this is accomplished is through the act of sincere regret/remorse; ownership and accountability before God and having reliance upon God - which will happen in the Fifth Step. (Both contributing greatly to our growth in intimacy with God and others)

NEXT we look at the area of FEAR:

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Fear: To be afraid or frightened of; To be uneasy or apprehensive about.

There are 3 types of Fear:

(1) Guilt: Fear of the past, (of what will happen because of something I've done - personal responsibility), and is not to be confused with Remorse which is: moral anguish arising from remorse for past misdeeds /regret

(2) Dread: The fear of the future (the unknown)

(3) Procrastination: To put off / Fear of failure

In looking at this again, one might question - 'How can fear be a good thing?' bur the truth is, that God, (in His wisdom), gave us this emotional instinct of fear for the purpose of protection. Without balance, we will not use fear for this purpose, but will end up 'over using' it - and rather than protecting ourselves, we will instead do one of two things: over react (OR) under react.

In the Bible there is a book called Job, who had this to say about fear: What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me; I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.

**ALL fear is rooted in our lack of faith - A faith that will grow as we take this journey with God**

The healthy use of fear is when it leads to COURAGE, that bring about the ACTION needed to RESOLVE what is causing the fear to begin with. The reason that this instinctual God given fear is good, is that it causes us to even take action in going to our Creator for solutions - thereby growing in intimacy with Him.

The inventory will be done the same way except that it will be listing the person, institution or principles that caused the fear.

WHAT TO DO:

(1) (When you're ready) Commit to daily work on your inventory sheets.

***This should NOT be done until you have thoroughly completed steps 1-2 AND have an accountability partner/sponsor/ OR someone you trust to talk to***

(2) EACH TIME before writing on your inventory, pray: God, I ask that you would give me the wisdom, ability and courage to recall and write what You would bring to my mind. I offer myself to you completely and thank you for your faithfulness in this process ~ Amen

Tuesday, June 20, 2023

Preparing for Action ~ STEP 3

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Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Step three is about making a decision to turn our will and lives over to God - (and additionally noting that it is “as we understand God”). In order to work this step and get maximum results, it is very important to gain a thorough understanding of both the definitions and concepts contained in it. Of the 12 steps, this particular principle is probably the most misinterpreted and misunderstood because it is often understood to mean that: (I) our “will” and “lives” are actually being turned over and (II) the reference to “as we understood Him” means a determination of “who” God is. The result of this misunderstanding has often caused unnecessary frustration/confusion, preventing some from going any further in the 9 action steps that follow. We are going to look at a breakdown of this principle and by the end you will have a clear understanding of this step.

Anytime we are about to take action in an area of our lives of any importance, it isn’t something that we just “impulsively” jump into blindly, but rather, we prepare by determining: (1)What it is that’s needing to be done AND (2)What actions have to be taken to meet that need (a plan)

The first thing to know is that Step 3 is the last of the “making up your mind” steps. What do I mean by that? Well, it is not until Step 4 that “action” begins being taken as part of what is called “Step Work”, as opposed to what is done in Steps 1-3. In these first 3 principles, (unlike those that will follow), we are in a process of: (a) gathering information and (b) making up our mind regarding the plan we are going to follow.

The information that has been gathered in the first two steps is as follows:

STEP 1: A personal lack of power in particular area(s) and the identification of unmanageability / damage the area(s) of life mentioned

STEP 2: A choice has been made to suspect that God is present and that God could (if invited) provide wholeness.

So let us now look at the first important word in Step 3 and that is the word:

Photo by Vladislav Babienko

Decision : To gather facts involving a problem and then conclude which facts we are going to act upon.

Now that we have established what “made” us come “to” the decision, (past tense)… we look at what it is we’ve made the decision to do: To “turn our will and our lives over to the care of God”. To many who’ve been raised in, or attended the protestant or non-denominational churches – this sounds like an invitation for salvation. It is important to understand that while this doesn’t conflict with that invitation…this is not what is being referred to here. To better understand this, let’s take a closer look at word meanings:

Will is our thinking and direction

Lives Is our actions

Our actions come out of our thoughts: So if we want new lives, we will need new minds. We cannot be “self-directed” AND have a different life. We cannot have new minds on our own – this must come from God. For me to TRULY choose to give God my struggle(s) with _________________ I must first give up power, and for me to do this, I must FIRST decide to turn over my will (thinking).

Our WILL & Our LIVES: Our “lives” are our ACTIONS. Our “will” is our THINKING; So deciding to turn over our will and our lives means that we are turning over our thinking and our actions. Turning over our lives means to give up the old lifestyle that has not been successful. If we can give up our direction, we can then receive new direction – what was once unmanageable can become manageable!

EXAMPLE: Bad thinking Bad Action Bad life (painful area of our life that we can’t move past)

Good thinking Good Action Good life (the life we desire to have)

An important reminder: We are NOT actually turning over our “will” and “lives” at this point! If we could, wouldn’t we have done it a long time ago? Aside from simply the struggle of being “human” – there are a myriad of reasons that we struggle with turning over these two things to God. (Past hurts, mistrust, uncertainty, etc…) What we are doing in this principle is simply making a DECISION to turn our thinking and actions over, allowing GOD to then replace them with better thinking and actions.

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Before we finish with the last part of this principle, I want to bring attention to the word “care” – as in: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God…

Care To be concerned or interested; To provide needed assistance or watchful supervision

When we are turning over our thinking, direction and actions over to “the care of God”, we are giving it: (1) to our God, who is certainly concerned and interested in our well-being AND (2) to an infinite God – the ONLY one who can truly provide the needed assistance and supervision that we need.

Now we approach the final part of this principle - God as we understood Him (or of our understanding)

As perhaps a person of faith, it can be easy to disregard this portion of the principle, because of thinking – “After all, if I already believe in God...I KNOW who He is!” But the truth is that this is not the only interpretation. It is important to know that although we may be in communion with Him…it does not necessarily mean that our understanding OF Him is where it needs to be in order to involve God in EVERY aspect of our life.

We do not believe or understand exactly like another person about ANYTHING. So our understanding of the personality of God can vary greatly and in most cases we need it to grow. Every single thing a person does, they do it through their individual conception, and our actions are greatly influenced by our conceptions.

Conception A notion; idea; concept

EXAMPLE: If my conception of God, (God as I understand Him), is that of a punishing and vengeful God - I am likely not going to go to Him about areas of sin in my life; If my conception is that he is a busy God, I am likely not going to want to bother him with things I feel I can do myself; If my conception is that he is status update God…I will likely only go to him with my progress reports.

Although most would widely accept that God (the Creator of all things seen and unseen) knows us, we tend to not know Him on a personal level nearly as much!

EXAMPLE: Have you ever had a best friend? Did they BEGIN as a best friend or did they begin as an acquaintance? How did they go from being an acquaintance to a best friend? Did it happen fast or take time? What had to happen between the two of you during that time to reach best friend status?

God ‘as we understand Him’, is referring to ‘as we understand Him now’ (today) – and being able to be REALLY honest with ourselves re: where we are at with that at this point. Our journey in the steps to come, is the same process that was needed for our acquaintance to become our best friend - and the process continues for the rest of our days. This is the MOST personal relationship you will ever experience in your entire life and I am THRILLED to tell you that these 12 principles allow you to begin developing it on a daily basis for the rest of your life!

What to do: (This is something you can work on in your own time and if you would like a prayer – see #3)

1. Look honestly at both your current conception of God’s personality & what you want to have

2. Are you ready to make a decision to rely upon God as your pursue the actions steps to come?

3. Prayer: Father – I desire to know you more intimately and it is my will that you would guide and direct me in the steps to come – so that I might better have you in charge of my thinking and actions – Thank you – amen

Monday, May 29, 2023

SILENT SOLDIER

In honor of Jason D. Johns PFC, Army 82nd Airborne and all of our fallen men and women in uniform...