YOU ARE DEARLY LOVED!!

 

Photo by: Mayur Gala

Love: A strong positive emotion of regard and affection.

Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay 

Love is an interesting word isn’t it? I mean the word “love” is used for so many things these days. For example; “I love chocolate cake!” I mean I REALLY love it! Have you ever met someone that you didn’t know that well, but maybe they were really funny and as you spoke about them you said, “Man…I love that guy!”? We love people, TV shows and music. We love certain types of cars, places that we go and things that we do. So the word 'love' in and of its self isn’t always necessarily used to represent deep and meaningful things.

While I am quite guilty of using the word love in this manner, it wasn’t until a short while back that I really thought about it. About how, by using the word love to describe things that were, (for all intents and purposes), 'trivial' in my life, I was perhaps taking away from what love really is. So I got to looking into it. I heard a speaker many years ago get up to speak at a meeting; She introduced herself and then said something I had never heard before. She said, “My name is Rebecca and I am the beloved of God.” I have to say, that although I had no idea exactly what she meant by that, I REALLY liked it! It just sounded … special. About a year ago I began to research this very topic of 'Love”, being “Loved” and being the “Beloved”; what I found was quite profound for myself and I hope may  perhaps be the same for someone else reading this.

The Greek had four words for love and they are as follows;

I.       Eros            -        Erotic love (sexual love)

II.      Storge         -        Family love (Love within a family)

III.     Phila           –        Brotherly friendship and affection.

IV.     Agape         –        Perfect love

Now Agape love is what really caught my eye. Its definition was quite long and required more than just a casual “read through”. (see below)

Love that loves without changing. Self giving w/out expecting re-payment. So great it can be given to the unlovable or unappealing. It loves even when rejected. It loves because it wants to. Agape love has little to do with emotion, but has much to do with self denial for the sake of another.

Image by Bessi from Pixabay

I have found and experienced Agape love in only a few instances; I experienced it with God, within the Fellowship, have received it from my parents, and experienced it towards the children in my life & towards other people in my life. You know for me, my first really personal concept of God came through my stepson at that time. I thought, “Why do we have kids?” I came to believe that it was the one physical way for me to experience even a glimpse, of how God views me. I mean, is there really anything your child could do to actually make you “love” them more than you already do? Could they REALLY do anything that would cause you to “love” them less? Of course not! You love them because they are yours! Sure…they can make you proud or even disappointed…but the love simply is what it is…Agape.

So we know what the definition of love is and the various ways in which we love. But what about 'Being Loved'…just how do we feel loved? Well, we feel loved by what we see, what we hear and how we are treated. If I’m confiding in someone and while doing this they are TOTALLY blowing me off…I’m not going to feel very loved. I would most likely be feeling rather insignificant at that moment. But let’s say that this person is TOTALLY listening to me, sharing with me, encouraging me and supporting me…I am going feel really different – I am going to feel loved.

But then we have that word ~BELOVED...

~ To be dearly loved, most treasured, adored, cherished. (A deep level of intimacy) 

Image by Jess Bailey from Pixabay

When I first read that I thought, “You know, there are people in my life who are TRULY my beloved and there is NOTHING that I would not do for them.”  But then I looked at it,(remembering what that speaker had said so long ago), “I am the beloved of God”. Such an easy idea, that for me, was SO HARD to grasp! My heart leapt as I read those words again, realizing that 'I' am God’s beloved. Through all my acts of self-centeredness and selfishness, I was dearly loved…through my many acts of defiance and rebellion, I was most treasured…through my collapse into self destruction, I was adored… and through my brokenness, I was cherished! Realizing I can never 'do' anything SO GOOD as to make God love me more…nor can I ever 'do' anything SO BAD as to cause God to love me less…God loves me because I am His! I am the beloved.

Martin Luther King said this:

“Agape is understanding, creative, redemptive goodwill towards all men. Agape is an overflowing love which seeks nothing in return. Theologians would say that it is the love of God operating in the human heart. When you rise to love on this level, you love all men not because you like them, not because their ways appeal to you, but you love them because God loves them.”

In my own recovery, something quite interesting began. While I initially came to understand and see myself as God’s beloved…something happened…a change in my heart… God became my beloved as well.

I thought with us coming upon our national holiday where we celebrate love and those with whom we have it; I would make this contribution to the word itself and share in the joy of that awakening ~ that I first came to believe and have now come to know…We are God’s Beloved and are DEARLY LOVED!                                          

©2008-2022 Rebecca Balko

Why Are You Trying to Out Love God?

Love is a powerful thing isn’t it? This word covers so much ground, from the “love of chocolate cake” to the “love between parents and their children”. Love is defined as: An intense feeling of deep affection - and let me just say there is no truer example of this truth than that…I LOVE a good moist chocolate cake!  However, using this word “love” to describe the connection that exists between a parent and child will fall desperately short, as that love, (obviously), is far more significant than any affection for chocolate cake. In fact there is a word for it called: Beloved – which means to be dearly loved, most treasured, adored and cherished. It’s true; the love between a parent and child is truly unlike any other kind of love. It is in this love where a parent will find themselves consumed with a desire likely not experienced prior – to want more for this precious life than even for themselves. Indeed, awareness arises that they would lay their very life down to insure that their little one has every chance to grow up healthy, happy and strong. We also see this type love within other family dynamics as well, such as with a spouse and siblings.

I don’t know what it is like in other countries and cultures, but having grown up in America, there is one thing that everybody knows – When a loved one is in need, there is nothing but NOTHING that you won’t do for them - and that is as it should be. There are times though, that this love and readiness to be there for your beloved doesn’t work out so well. Worse still, it can actually do more harm than good. One of these situations is when the loved one being helped is someone in active addiction/alcoholism, (or some other destructive life situation). The dilemma for those who love them is often astounding. They face dealing with the circumstances stemming from their loved one’s life such as: Job terminations; Debts; Loss of housing; Personal injury; Arrests; Court dates; Legal expenses; Children to care for; as well as: Loneliness; Isolation; Exhaustion, and the list goes on. All the while, the loved one is generally quick to give “reasons” for why these things are happening to them and are often making promises for change – playing on their position as the beloved to get someone else to take responsibility for their actions or lack of action, that has resulted in the numerous consequences in their life.

For the family, there is the desire, and often the need to believe these promises, because of the desire for the best in their loved one’s life. There is also the deep fear that failing to help could somehow result in a worse consequence happening, up to and including death. The family is left to live an existence, which no one should have to live in: Where they fear doing too much could lead to harm and not doing enough could lead to harm – all while being realistically incapable of having such perfect knowledge of what their loved one’s true need is or even the ability to meet that need. It is an impossible task, and so their life is held hostage for a never ending ransom. Odd as it may sound, the family falls into a vicious cycle very similar to the one their loved one is living in. 

This is what I mean: 

(A)  For the addicted person, when they have their drugs/alcohol (fill in the blank), they are relatively ok; when they don’t have it, they are a miserable lot to be around. The well-being of the addict/alcoholic is contingent on being under the influence.  

(B)  For the family, when their loved one is ok – then they are ok. When their loved one is not ok – then they are not ok. So their well-being then ceases to be about themselves and becomes increasingly contingent on their loved ones state of being – thereby making them all the more desperate to “take care of the messes” in order to have some degree of peace in their own lives.

When I was married to my ex-husband and he relapsed I experienced for the first time, being on the other side of the fence – as I am a recovered addict/alcoholic myself. I attempted to manage the increasing fear and issues on my own, as I felt “I” should have a better handle on this situation since I had both personal knowledge and professional knowledge of the illness, (as I was also an addictions counselor). However I would soon find that this was not the case. In fact I was doing everything short of painting my face and following him around at night – consumed with fear of every terrible thing that might happen. Finally I went to my supervisor at work and disclosed to him what was happening and all that I was feeling. I can recall so clearly him leaning forward and saying, “Rebecca – do you believe in God?” My heart sank a bit, as I thought he was going to give me the – “prayer works” talk. (Let me interject here that I knew prayer worked and was the best thing anyone could do. But at that moment I REALLY needed to hear something more.) I replied, “Yes”. He then said, “OK – good. Do you believe that God is perfect love?” To which I said, “Yes I do” – Uncertain as to where this was going.

He smiled at me, leaned back in his chair interlocking his fingers with his hands resting on his chest and said, “Rebecca, did God ever prevent you from making stupid decisions?” I said, “No.” He said, “Well, when you made those decisions, did God prevent you from experiencing consequences?” Again I said, “No.” He then asked, “And when you had those consequences hard enough that you asked for His help – did God turn you away?” I answered, “No.” He replied, “OK – so then, did God swoop in and make all your consequences just go away?” I laughed and said, “Uhhhh…no!” Where he would take this conversation next changed my life forever. He leaned forward, with his left elbow resting on the arm of his chair and right hand on his knee, smiling, and said, “Rebecca…so why are you trying to out-love God?” I sat for a moment stunned, attempting to process what he had just said to me, while he proceeded to say: “God is the most perfect example of love any of us could ever have and through that He demonstrates how to love others. It isn’t preventing them from making poor choices, it isn’t ignoring them or punishing them, it isn’t making them do what is right and it isn’t stopping consequences and pain from being experienced. You have got to re-define love.”

In that moment it was as if a curtain was pulled back revealing a truth before me that had been there all along, but I had been blind to: That loving someone didn’t mean being God for them, rather, loving them meant relying upon God for wisdom in knowing how to love them in a way that was healthy. I realized that it was not for me to fix him, make him not use or even convince him of the truth – rather, to share with him a solution, set healthy boundaries and be willing to offer assistance should he decide to take action for his own recovery. On my own strength I could never have stuck to this and would have remained in the situation I had found myself in. Thankfully I found that getting support, taking suggestions and utilizing guidance from others who had more experience than me, was the greatest asset I had.

Whether you are a family member who is also in addiction, (or some other form of), recovery, OR are solely the family member of someone with addiction, etc... I encourage you in knowing that there IS hope and you are NOT alone! If you or a loved one struggles in this area, there are many people ready to offer you support in your community through groups such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, Freedom and more.  You can connect with people in person and/or on-line and begin the road to recovery and wholeness today!                                                                     

© 2015-2021 Rebecca Balko