My Name is Blue

 

Photo by Ivan Ragozin

My name is Blue and I’m an addict and alcoholic. Everyone calls me Blue mainly because my hair is blue ~ LOL. I was born and raised in a small island called Treasure Island Florida. My parents were well off and I grew up in a good household. We lived on the water ~ had a pool, a hot tub and a boat. We were always out on the boat every weekend fishing, diving or just partying on some of the islands out in the Gulf. I thought this was normal. This is how everyone was raised. My parents had parties at their house almost every weekend. Alcohol was everywhere. I remember learning how to mix drinks when I was 7 years old. I was very involved in swimming. I joined my first swim team at age 4. I practiced all the time and eventually I qualified for the Junior Olympics. One of my favorite things to do was when we went out on the boat and my parents went diving, I would wait on the front of the boat for my dad's bubbles to come up the anchor line. When I saw him I would fly off the boat and swim about 15 feet down to meet him and breath off his respiratory. I was about 5 when I started this. I also was very much into art and at 10 I started to teach myself how to play the guitar.

When I was 6 my parents allowed my great uncle to babysit me and my younger brother. My uncle raped and molested me for 3 years. At age 7 I had my first drink. It was exactly what I was looking for. Something to numb the emotional pain I was feeling. By the time I was 11 I had to have surgery on my leg because of a cyst that formed and became very painful. I was put on pain meds and absolutely fell in love. Those pills did for me what I could not do for myself.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya

There is a park by my parents’ house that I hung out at all the time. I would draw or practice my guitar. I wound up meeting these kids who were a lot older than me. They were 18 to 21. They introduced me to pot and cocaine. I became able to socialize in ways I never could imagine. I could talk to people and laugh and have fun. I thought I was important. One of those guys, who was 21, took advantage of me by raping and beating me so badly that I spent months in the hospital with broken bones and internal bleeding. He even fractured my back. I was an emotional wreak. Not long after I turned 12 one of those older boys got me hooked on heroin. He shot me up and then showed me how to do it. I thought I had found the love of my life. It numbed everything I wanted to be numb. I no longer had to feel those feelings anymore. I no longer had to be alone with myself and my own thoughts. I found my best friend. I found my way over the next couple of years to many other drugs and occasionally alcohol.

At 15 I went from private school to public school. Although I was in a magnet program for visual arts. 100 people tried out and I was 1 of 6 that got accepted. I also started my first band. I played lead guitar and lead vocals. Through one of my shows I met Billy. I knew at this point in my life that I was gay but I also knew that my family wouldn't have been ok with that. So I forced myself to be with men. Billy I thought was the one guy who was going to change everything. And boy was I right just not in the way I thought.  Billy was extremely abusive. He

Photo by Louis Galvez

fed me drugs constantly which I did love. I was always high but even the drugs didn't make what he did to me bearable. He beat me and raped me every day for a year and a half. He allowed his friends to beat and rape me. He locked me in a dog cage. Normally naked. He would electrify the cage so if I touched it I would get shocked. Sometimes he would just put the wires right on me and leave it on long enough to burn my skin. He made me eat and drink out of dog bowls. I was not allowed to look anyone in the eyes. If I did I got punished badly. I had to kneel next to his chair in the living room like a pet and I always had to walk a step behind him. Sometimes he would keep me locked in the cage for weeks at a time. He would let me out and my legs would so bad I wouldn't be able to walk. He starved me and when I got away from him I weighed 87 pounds. He got arrested on a drug charge and my friends got me out of the house and hid me.

I bounced from friend’s house to friend’s house. Sometimes I slept on the streets. For a couple of months I got involved with another guy who was very controlling and abusive. But he wasn't anything like Billy, so I thought I was doing well. Only he forced me into prostitution. I did that for a couple of months until I got hooked up with a major drug dealer who lived 2 hours south of me. I started selling drugs in the clubs for him. I was selling about 1,500 x pills every weekend. Yet my addiction was so bad I had no profit. I owed him. I just kept running. One night, when I was 18, my very good friend Mitch and I, were walking to the store to get something to drink. It was a couple of blocks away from his apartment. On the way back, this

Photo by Kenny Eliason

car kept driving past us and turning around. The next thing I know I heard the gun shot and Mitch fell to the ground. He got hit in the head and died in my arms within minutes. I saw who shot him. It was the same man who raped and beat me when I was 11. I went to court and testified. He stood up when the verdict was read, ‘guilty’. He said, “I didn't mean to shoot him, I meant to shoot her” And he pointed right at me.

I couldn't take much more of this and I was afraid that Billy was getting closer to finding me. So I wrote a letter to my parents and I went home to give it to them. I had to apologize for everything I had done to them. I had stolen all of my mom's jewelry and pawned it. But they did get it back. I stole check books and credit cards. I stole cash and part of my dad’s coin collection. Anything I could pick up and get money for I took. Because the drugs didn't give me a choice. Two days later me, my parents and my uncle were on a plane to south Florida for me to go to rehab. I went to 2 rehabs and a couple of halfway houses. I stayed sober for about 2 years. I even sponsored a girl. But yet again I wound up with a guy who was controlling and abusive and who fed me drugs. I wound up moving back to home with him. I formed another band - lost the guy - still doing my art work. Trying to hold down a job. But the drugs don't really like my work schedule so it normally doesn't work out. I eventually get married. He too is abusive. More mentally. I got pregnant by him 7 times. I had 5 miscarriages and 2 stillborn. One at 6 months due to complications with the baby. And one at 7 months due my husband kicking me in the stomach. Later I get pregnant again by another man who I had known since I was 15. He was very controlling and very narcissistic. I stopped doing drugs. I wanted this baby so bad. I wanted the others too. But I knew I couldn't handle losing another one. The pregnancy was very hard. I was very high risk and on strict bed rest. I was not allowed to go into labor. If I did, with my complication, I would bled out and died before the baby was born. I had many episodes where I bled so bad I had to have a blood transfusion. (And on top of that, I have a rare blood type.) Eventually the doctor just had me stay in the hospital for the last month and a half of my pregnancy.

Photo by Christian Bowen

I had a C-section. My son was born with 4 holes in his heart. One was huge. He had open heart surgery at 7 months old. He is perfect. He had a patch on the big hole that will grow with his heart. He will see a cardiologist for the rest of his life. But he has no restrictions. And he is 10 years old now. His name is Jax. He is named after one of my friends - Jack, who helped me get away from Billy. Jack unfortunately passed away from an overdose before Jax was born. I started drinking. However, I did drink while I was pregnant for 2 days straight. But now I’m drinking every day nonstop. One day i decided to quit. I knew all about withdrawals from drugs. I kicked heroin and Benzos. But I had no idea you could withdraw from alcohol. My third day sober I had a grand mal seizure in the middle of Toys-R-Us. I spent about 5 days in the hospital. I was hallucinating. I was asking the nurse what the people on the walls were saying. Yet in the cab on my way home I stopped at the liquor store. Because that's my addiction. It knows no bounds.

 I got engaged to another guy I knew since I was 15. He was crazy obsessed with me. I got a job at Toys-R-Us so we could get an apartment together. He became homeless when his aunt decided to sell her house. He didn't like that I was working so much. But this was towards the end of November at a toy store. It was very busy. And I was hired as seasonal. I wanted them to make me preeminent. So I did what they asked, I came in early, stayed later and came in on my days off. He just got jealous and started showing up at my work or my parents’ house. 

Photo by Felipe Furtado

One day he showed up at work and waited for me to get there. My parents dropped me off in the parking lot. I didn't see him at first. My parents left and he wound up cornering me up against his car. One of my managers was outside and saw this. He hit me knocking me to the ground. He took my left hand and slammed it in the car door repeatedly fracturing all of my fingers in multiple places. Sad to say I am no longer able to play the guitar. And I played for 23 years. Almost every relationship I was in was abusive in some way. I wanted attention and negative attention is what I got. I would force myself to be with men. So I would get really drunk and high and meet random men I met on an online dating site. Sometimes I would bring them to my parents’ house. But most if the time it was hotels.

Photo by Joel Muniz

I was in 29 rehabs from the age of 19 to 41. I wouldn't talk about my trauma. They ask, what I’m going to do different this time. Because if nothing changes then nothing changes. This time I talk openly about my trauma. The more I talk about it the less power it has over me. I get uncomfortable to get comfortable. I don't like raising my hand and talking in meetings but I forces myself to. I raised my hand, said my name and said that I need help getting to meetings. I got lots of phone numbers. And I call and text those people. Even if it's just to say, “Hi”. I have a big group of women in my life who would do anything to help me. I had a living situation problem and these women came together and got everything fixed for me. It's amazing. I have a sponsor. I do exactly what she suggests. I did everything my addiction told me to do so I can do everything my recovery tells me to do. I have a relationship with my higher power. I pray to him every day. I don't pray for things like money. I pray for his guidance and his will. And when I’m feeling stressed I pray to him and I have this peace that comes over me. It's amazing. I do service work. I have a home group and

Photo by Brett Jordan

I volunteer to do things like making the coffee or hand out the raffle tickets.  I help women who are getting out of rehab find a sober living house to go to. I also help people who are struggling get into detox. If a hand is reaching out to me I’m going to grab it and pull that person up. It's so important to get a sponsor, get a home group, do service work and raise your hand in meetings, introduce yourself. Get those phone numbers and use them. There are some incredible women and men out there in the rooms. And you calling them is helping them too. It helps me when I help another addict.

Photo by Adrian Moise

Today I have a close relationship with my son. He lives with his father 2 hours north of my parents. My parents get him every other weekend. I have a job I never thought I could get. But I applied and got hired. I took a class for a state insurance license and I passed. It was very hard. If I was in my addiction I would not have passed that. I work from home, so when I save up enough money I’m going to move back to St. Petersburg and I can take my job with me. I can't wait to be closer to my son so I can start seeing him in person again. I work hard on my recovery today because I want to live a clean and sober life. And those promises that the Big Book talks about will come true for all of you if you just stick with it and do what is suggested. They are coming true for me every day.
I have a relationship with my parents. I didn't before this. My mom didn't talk to me for 2 years. The most I heard her say in the backyard when I called my dad was that: ‘I was a bitch’; ‘I was no better than the trash in her garbage can’; and that ‘I ruined her life’. Now she tells me that she loves me unconditionally. And she has never in my life told me she loved me. I needed to borrow money and she actually lent it to me with no problems. I asked and she said yes. Before she wouldn't even give me $5. Things will get better for all of you. Just remember that you're fighting for your life and your will to live. I hope my story can help at least one person. Thank you all for allowing me to tell my story. 

TANGELOS

 

It was 1985 on a warm humid spring morning in the small southeastern town of Marbury, Alabama. Early morning fog rested just atop the bean fields across an old dirt road, while the piercing sound of Periodical Cicadas, (13 Year Locusts), filled the air with their endless song just outside the sliding glass doors of the small wooden blue house which sheltered myself and thirteen others. On our side of the house there was one counselor and six of us girls with one bathroom...(you heard me right). On the other side of the house were the house parents and their 4 kids. I had arrived to live there after a relatively long stay on the psychiatric floor of a hospital in Birmingham, AL and a not so long stay at a secondary treatment program following that.

But let me back up a bit. I had been placed in a double lock down psychiatric unit following a lengthy binge of cocaine, vodka and pills, which left me both homicidal and suicidal. In route to end my life, with a loaded gun and suicide note, an intervention, (which I had viewed as an abduction), by my family occurred, which resulted in my admission to the hospital for an extended visit. Once being transferred to a less secure wing, my family spoke to me about a Christian Girl’s Home that I should consider going to with a 1 year free program. I wanted no part of it. Upon leaving the hospital my parents had been given a grim prognosis that they needed to get me placed on disability, put me in a group home and that I would never be capable of functioning independently.

Following the hospital, I was admitted to a secondary treatment program where I lasted only a few weeks. One day I became aware that my mouth was telling one story, while my mind was planning something totally different – how to get out and use. My level of functioning was very low and I found myself unable to verbalize the fear I was experiencing. As I sat in my room I found a Bible and hoped that it would somehow give me direction with the “open and point method”. So I opened it up with my eyes closed and pointed my finger, which landed on Psalm 69: 1-20 and saw before my eyes the words for exactly what I was feeling. I read it out loud, as they were the only words I could speak as a prayer to a God I had long since run from. Upon finishing, the name of that girl’s home came into my mind like a flashing billboard. I ran downstairs, (just as crazy as could be), saying the name of the home, (Cannan Land), over and over and over – along with - “Call my mom! Call my mom!” My counselor did and off I went to the girl’s home.

I arrived with a cigarette in each hand, having smoked several packs on the ride down, being it was a non-smoking program. Getting out of the car, the pastor of the home came up with a big smile and told me my life was going to change. I took his statement with cynicism thick enough you could have cut it with a knife – but I was at that moment, willing to go to any lengths. However as days passed, filled with “group” morning prayers and multiple Bible studies each day I was fast reaching my limit. The tipping point came on this particular morning as our counselor declared that we could pray and ask God for things that mattered to us and if we did so believing He would answer our prayers. Well, there it was…I had reached my limit and I thought, “THAT IS IT! I’m taking her down!”

Now before I go any further, let me say that this program was fully supported by donations and the income of the pastor and his wife. It was during this time that some pretty negative issues had been becoming public knowledge with a certain television evangelist, resulting in, (apparently), a drop in donations to faith based programs. As a result we had not had fruit to snack on in a good while and being that this program also didn’t allow any “sugar products”…I was really missing sweet fruits.

So back to the story:  Upon our counselor’s previously mentioned claim I spoke up and called her on it. I said, “Oh really? Anything we pray for, you’re saying that God will answer it?” To which she said, “If you are willing to believe and trust Him, yes that is what I’m saying. Do you want to pray for something Rebecca?” Feeling very defiant towards this woman and her claims, as well as attempting, (with what little faculties I had), to think of something that would surely prove her wrong ~ I said, “As a matter of fact I do – let’s ask God to bring us fruit!” She replied, “OK, let’s pray!” and all the girls bowed their heads. I thought, “No! This was TO EASY…to possible!” So abruptly I said, “STOP! Wait! I want to be more specific – let’s pray for oranges!” The counselor didn’t skip a beat and said, “No problem – oranges it is!” I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I thought, “The only reason they are acting like this is because it’s not that impossible!” My heart pounding and mind racing I said, “STOP!! No! I want to change it…let’s pray for Tangerines!” (Surely this would get them!) But no…not this lady and certainly not this group of girls – incredibly they actually bowed their heads to start praying. I just couldn’t take it anymore – every bit of anger, bitterness, fear and frustration bubbled up at one time and I screamed, “STOP IT! STOP IT! I want to make it REALLY specific…I want to pray for TANGELO’S!”

For those of you who’ve never enjoyed the experience of tasting this delicious fruit or perhaps never even heard of it ~ A Tangelo, (also known as a Honeybell), is a hybrid of a tangerine (Mandarin Orange) and a Grapefruit (closely related to the Pomelo). The Honeybell citrus fruit is believed to have originated in Southeast Asia around 3,000 years ago, while the hybrid Tangelo it’s self is said to have been first made by Dr. Walter T. Swingle (Florida) in 1897. Tangelo’s are best known for their easy to remove peel and, (when ripe), their high concentration of juice and I LOVED them!!!

But I digress…returning to the moment that changed my life:

They all just stared at me, initially saying nothing. Feeling quite proud of myself, I was certain that I had made them all realize the foolishness of this “exercise in prayer”. The counselor softly said to me, “Are you sure that is it?” Quite defiantly and with a sarcastic grin I said, “Oh yeah, I’m sure.” Incredibly they all bowed their heads and prayed for me to get my tangelos. I couldn’t believe it! While at the table following the Bible study meeting, a horn honked outside. The girls and our counselor went outside and as I followed I observed a rather large man in worn out denim overalls explaining to our counselor that he had produce to unload, had heard about our program and thought we might like it. I noticed the other girls, many of whom were giggling, were all looking directly at me. My counselor said, “Come on down here Becky – you need to see this.” As I rounded the corner of the truck what I saw caused such a reaction that my entire body began to tremble and my skin to perspire…there before my eyes ~ was an entire truck load of TANGELOS! My head spinning and heart racing, I could only think to do one thing ~ I ran for my bedroom and fell on my knees telling God “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! ~ I believe! I believe!!

Yes, I’m a firm believer that God, in all of His goodness, meets us right where we are and often with good humor. Needless to say, after that day I became willing to believe He could restore even my mind…and you know what? “He did!”

 

 ©2012-2022 Rebecca Balko

KNOWING IS GROWING - Self Care and Wellness for Family and Friends (Part I)

 As the family member or friend of someone with the disease of addiction and/or mental health diagnosis, there are certain things that many people share, both emotionally and through experience, when their loved one is not in a well and balanced state, which are: 

 

              i.   Being a witness to the harm they are doing to themselves and others, (recognizing what they could do to change     it), but when offering solutions – finding yourself on the receiving end of words such as: crazy; bossy; nagging and wrong

 

         ii.   Being lied to and manipulated: Sometimes this is done through kindness and sometimes it is done with demands; including having blame pointed at you and sometimes even abuse 

         iii.   Being on the receiving end of mood swings ranging from: happy – angry – tired – restless – sad – scared – needy – withdrawn – talkative – silent – engaged – isolated

 

         iv.   Experiencing their obsession(s) – usually with alcohol or drugs, but this can also be pointed into other directions as well – but they all become unbalanced leading to disconnection and often conflict

          v.   Experiencing personal feelings of: Loneliness, uncertainty and longing

 

         vi. Slowly losing sight of who ‘you’ are, (personal identity), and what makes ‘you’ feel: joyfulness, motivation and wholeness - because that identity and sense of wellness, begins to become contingent on ‘the loved one being OK’. (i.e – If ‘they’ are OK…then ‘you’ can be OK…BUT…If they are ‘not’ OK, then ‘you’ can not be OK.) **This is very similar to the addict, who’s life eventually revolves around their obsession, so to – the family member’s life eventually revolves around the addict/alcoholic** 

 

NOTE:  The focus of this meeting will be from vi and the development of self-care and wellness in 

                  10 areas: 

 

1.      Identify what makes you happy and/or what you get enjoyment from. If its been a while, then think of what you remember from your past that gave you this and start listing them. (i.e – Going on weekend trips; Writing; Painting; Exercising; Having dinner with a friend; etc…) You can use this to begin setting goals to get back to what you enjoy.

 

2.      Establish a support system that provides you with connection, encouragement, support and camaraderie. Some ways this can be done is with: 

 

a.               The Family Facebook Group 

b.               12 Step Community: Al-Anon; Nar-Anon; Celebrate Recovery and SMART

c.                Individual Counseling or Therapy 

d.                Religious Support 

e.                Family and Friends (who offer healthy support)

 

3.      Give yourself a break! You can begin by…Starting with 10-15min a day that is for YOU. This time can be used to: Sit quietly; To read or listen to some of your favorite songs; To meditate or pray; To lay still; etc…

      It will be important to: 

            a.                  Make sure your family members who live with you, know that this time is YOURS 

            b.                  It can be good to designate an area or location that is YOUR area

 

4.      Change the scenery: If you find that there is a tendency to go to the same places daily and the same routine daily, then shake things up and do something different. Perhaps go to a local park, a lake or a beach; Go for a walk or ride a bike; Maybe just get in your car – roll the windows down – turn up the music and drive! 

5.      Treat yourself! Make it a point to provide yourself with special things! This might be by: Getting a massage; Mani/Pedi; Going on a weekend get-away; Eating out somewhere REALLY nice; etc… The main thing is that by doing this, it will grow in you, the awareness that YOU matter and are worthy of special experiences. (Sometimes we forget that)  

 

6.      Connect with friends and family:  It is extremely important for self-care and wellness, to have people who are close to you. People that know you better than the average person and that you know really do want the best for you and believe the best about you. (They are in YOUR corner ALWAYS) If you are in a season where these relationships have gotten away from you, then it is time to begin reaching out. It can be a simple as asking a friend to meet for coffee (OR) if they don’t live near you, invite them to coffee over ZOOM! 

 

7.      Come up with NEW things to experience: Be creative in this process! Maybe it’s a painting, sewing or pottery class; Eating out somewhere you’ve never been; Learning something new like dance or golf; Going somewhere you’ve heard about, but never been; Going on a hike; Riding a horse, etc… Part of a fulfilling life, is in our experiences! 

 

8.      Utilizing tools to help with calming: Certainly one thing that comes in the midst of day to day living, and especially when dealing with active addiction and/or mental health issues, is that of experiencing stress. It is especially important to develop calming exercises, often this can be good for unwinding from a long day or even at bedtime. Some suggestions are: 

 

a.                  Utilizing links for this in the FREEDOM BLOG 

b.                  Using the INSIGHT TIMER app 

c.                   Using the MINDFULNESS COACH app 

 

9.   Journaling:  In day to day living, with all of its responsibilities and experiences, ranging from joyful to stressful, our minds work diligently to try and process it all. As time passes, if we don’t work through these experiences, the emotions can build and ultimately end up directing and controlling the emotional course of the day, robbing you of enjoying the experiences of the moment. By taking time daily to ‘journal’ all of it – the good, the bad and the in-between, it can help make sense of things. (Not to mention, if you are working with an accountability partner or therapist – you can then use the journal to help remember what to discuss)

LASTLY – When journaling daily, build the habit of always writing at least 3 things in your day that were pleasant and/or that you were grateful for.  

 

10.  Give Yourself Permission:  

                           a.            To just say “No.” – No need to explain. You DO have the right to say “No” 

b.           To ask for help when you need it (and especially when you think you don’t) 

c.            To take time for YOU 

d.            To have your own feelings and needs felt, expressed and taken care of

e.             To take care of your mental health, medical care, nutrition and rest as a priority

 

 RESOURCES:

           

i.              Living Out Your Life In Freedom Blog: https://www.livingoutyourfreedominrecovery.com/

ii.            Mindfulness Coach App: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/mindfulness-coach/id804284729

iii.           Insight Timer Meditation App:

 https://apps.apple.com/us/app/insight-timer-meditation-app/id337472899

iv.            A Guide to Caregiver Self-Care:

https://www.care2caregivers.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Caregiver-Self-Care-Booklet-English.pdf