Times Own Plan

There comes a point in recovery from whatever you’re battling when you just never want to go back to that place you where. Maybe it’s drugs or alcohol, a pattern of narcissistic boyfriends, co-dependent personality; Or maybe it’s self harm, sex or a gambling vice that drove you in to recovery. Regardless of the reason if you put in the time for self healing and self care, you eventually get to a point where you never want to go back. You see this amazing person in the mirror, you never knew was there. Just the thought of returning to that person you once were sickens you. You remember who you were back then and you see just how great things are now and it's not a option to go back.

Robert Downey Jr said it best when asked if he ever still wanted a glass of wine with dinner. His response was, “Sure I do, but then I remember I have plans for Christmas”. Meaning it’s just not worth unraveling your whole life for a simple glass of wine. You’ve come to far at this point.

I say life is better on this side of the bottle because I’ve been in the darkest depths of depression and addiction. Now I’m on the side of self worth, happy and healthy. I actually have a life. I enjoy waking up everyday. I can honestly say it’s way better over here. I don’t know if I’ll ever go back. I can’t make that promise. It’s a every day battle. But as of right now I have plans for this Christmas, next Christmas and the year after. You can get there too. All it takes is one ask for help. Reach out to someone, anyone. There’s people out there who want to and will help. You can do this. I believe in you..

Brian Morgan

Cedar lake, Indiana

IS THAT THE SOUND...OF THE HOLIDAYS?!!

Can you feel it? Temperatures dropping as the fall winds usher in our winter season ~ The faint aroma of chimney smoke as it escapes into the night air; Sweaters being retrieved from summer hibernation, with their soft and encompassing warmth; Snuggling up to the one you love with popcorn and a soft blanket for a night of movies; The wafting smell of hot cocoa as it rests between your hands causing your senses to anticipate that warm chocolate heaven rolling across your pallet; Enjoying the feeling of being completely enveloped under a billowy down comforter which escorts one into a blissful nights sleep; The joy of a favorite winter chili or stew which never fails to provide a lingering warmth in the belly; or the excitement of college football and anticipation of the playoffs drawing closer still… Yes, these are but a few of the experiences we all have in one form or another, igniting in our conscious minds a reminder that the holiday season is drawing ever near. 

For some, this leads to a sense of joy, excitement and anticipation – while for others it evokes feelings of anxiety, guilt or remorse due to the memory of holidays past where active addiction/alcoholism may have caused undo pain and ruin for those whom we love and have held most dear. This pain can cause feelings of loneliness, hopelessness or even relapse. But no matter what feelings or circumstances are being experienced as the approaching holidays arrive ~ for ALL of us a genuine gladness and gratitude can be embraced. Feelings of loneliness being replaced with connectedness; hopelessness being replaced instead with hopefulness; and feelings of relapse being replaced with the miracle of life and recovery. One might ask, “How is gladness and gratitude possible in the midst of such struggles?” Well, we need only look at the immediate blessings that exist before us:

Let’s start with the good news that this is a NEW season ~~ the years past are just that, “season’s gone by”. Recovery, (as in life), affords us the opportunity to have a “do over” or to “start a new”. The past holiday season could have been absolutely terrible…but that was last year. THIS is a new day and can truly be the beginning of fresh and wonderful memories! Some may ask, “How can I be happy because I am not even with my family now” or “I don’t have my home anymore” or “I have lost my job” or “I can’t buy gifts for everyone”. This does not mean that this season can’t be filled with beautiful and lasting memories. Gratitude is ALWAYS a good way to kick start ourselves into a different direction. Let’s look at a few of the things we can say we are grateful for today:

            1.          I am clean and sober!

2.      I belong to a fellowship of great people, many of whom are now dear friends. (Some might say, “I don’t know anybody that well yet, how do I know I won’t stay lonely? How do I know I will get close to people?) Because if we are clean/sober and are practicing a program of recovery we find that we are NEVER alone again

3.       I have literally YEARS ahead of me – things WILL get better! (How do I know that?)  Because NOTHING stays the same forever. If things are bad…they logically have to get better. While in ourselves we are limited and finite…we belong to a God that is infinite and limitless.

Another area of gratitude to motivate those of us who have survived so much already….We are ALIVE! It is the easiest of blessings to take for granted. I need only go out into the cool night air – feeling the breeze blowing through my hair and against my face, gazing upon the moon and stars as they cast their subtle light upon me, breathing in through my nostrils the coolness of night and hearing the earth as it gives way beneath my feat as I take in my surroundings on a late night stroll. It is in this moment that my mind becomes profoundly aware of the greatest gift, the most tremendous of blessings, causing my heart and mind cry out to my God ~ “Thank you that I am alive!”

Recovery has some important principles to it that deserve application during the holiday season. One of the most important truths we learn in recovery is that “feelings” don’t keep us clean nor do they contribute in anyway to the growth and strengthening of my spiritual condition. The only thing that does this is A C T I O N! We know the “actions” that keep us growing in our recovery are things like, step work, sponsorship, prayer and service work. Well this principle of action is a guaranteed successful tool in not only “surviving the holidays”…but quite literally making them the BEST EVER! A principle we learn in early recovery is that “self” is the root of our problems and that “selflessness” is where our solution can be found. Well, you know the saying, “We keep what we have by giving it away?” Along those same lines there is another principle I have found to be true – “To get what we’ve never gotten or to get back what we lost along the way, (perhaps hope, joy, peace, sanity or maintained recovery through the holidays) ~ we have only to get out of ourselves and try something new!!! 

Here are some suggestions for staying clean & sober AND making this the BEST holiday season EVER!

1.   Stay in close communication with your    sponsor - (daily if needed)

2.   Volunteer for service work in your home group or within the recovery community, for meetings and events being held through the holidays.

3.   Be sure to have a listing of no less than 5 people with strong recovery time, and their contact information, to be able to reach out any time you may need them.

4.    Provide YOUR number to at least ONE person who is "newer than you" that might need support during the holidays, so that you can be there for them!

5.    Find out what events and needs Mandala Healing Center has, that you can get involved in and be of service to the patients at the property AND in the private Mandala Alumni FB Group

6.  Reach out to your Mandala Alumni Family in the Facebook Group; Alumni ZOOM "Morning Coffee' Sat. 9am meeting; (OR) Text the Alumni Support Line for support and connection when needed!

7.    Strive daily to do a random act of kindness - whether it is for a friend or a total stranger. (If you do it in secret, never telling a sole - God will know ~ and that is truly a wonderful experience!)

8.    If you see a homeless person, smile at them...(they may have felt unnoticed for a long time)

9.    Along those same lines...If you see someone who is hungry or thirsty ~ bring them some food or water.

10.    Check out service opportunities where you can volunteer in your local community: A soup kitchen; Habitat for Humanity; The Angel Tree, (that provides toys for kids who won't have them otherwise) - Even if you can't afford to give you CAN afford to assist in volunteering to help gather the toys; or even figuring out your OWN charitable drive - like collecting sweaters, jackets or blankets to give tot he homeless on the streets.

11.    If you are lonely...rather than waiting for someone to invite you somewhere, (they may assume you have somewhere to be)...why don't YOU be the one to give the invite! To either go out as a group somewhere or to come to your place for pizza, popcorn and a movie! Perhaps in doing so, you will give someone else a brighter day!

12.    Leave a small gift for someone who serves you - perhaps a postal worker, gas station attendant, grocery store clerk, pastor or rabbi; perhaps a waiter or waitress where you frequently eat!

13.    Make a FULL gratitude list of quite literally EVERYTHING you can think of! (From sunlight, to water, your breath, the wind, sight, sound, a mind that still works, finger and toenails; etc...)

14.    On Hanukkah, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and/or New Year's Eve - Go to 12-step meetings and make a conscious effort to look for someone in need of support, then be the one who is there to offer YOUR hand to uplift that struggling member. ☺

15.    If you are REALLY having a hard time, (as we sometimes do), and find YOU can't pull  yourself out of the rut you are in...ask the God of your understanding to do for you what you can not do for yourself, by saying this: "God, please help me to see with Your eyes, hear with Your ears and love with Your heart today."

What a wondrous life! The opportunity for a fresh start to live again…not one that we “deserved”, but rather one that was freely given to us.  One of the most tremendous gifts I believe we have been given is in being blessed with KNOWING our “life’s purpose”…(at least one of them). A lot of people in this world go to the grave wondering why they were put on this earth in the first place and never getting that answer. WE know at least one incredible purpose! It is something that will lift me up and I can do anytime ~ and that is to be a vessel for my Higher Power and offer my hand to another sick and suffering addict/alcoholic sharing with them the solution I have found by way of my experience, strength and hope. How incredible is that?!! That someone like me with a medical prognosis at 19, that I needed to live in a group home, be put on disability and could never function independently – to being someone that the God of the Universe would actually use to provide hope, love joy and a working solution that would change the lives of the hopeless!
It is my most sincere and heart felt wish that this holiday season will be your very best. God bless you all!!!

 

©2009-2021 Rebecca Balko

Thanks Given For the Off-Ramp Man

Coming off the ramp from I-95 and approaching the light …I see him. Though the faces change, it’s always the same guy. With clothes worn and tattered, usually unshaven, hair unkept, eyes empty – looking at me…but not really. He is more looking through me – hoping perhaps for a dollar, and always holding a sign that will have various phrases ranging from “Out of Work” to “Hungry Veteran” to “Will work for Food”. 

I find myself having a variety of reactions as I make my approach. Sometimes I try to get in the farthest lane – positioning my car to be visually blocked - in the hopes of not being spotted by him; sometimes I will be in line and watching, without looking directly at him; sometimes he may be right beside my window and I will stare forward or try to appear busy, as if I’m unaware that he is standing there. Sometimes I will just crack the window and hand him a dollar, still not making much eye contact. But then occasionally, it will happen…for whatever reason, I will feel compelled to not only give him a dollar, but to actually make brief conversation and usually ask if he perhaps needs treatment or shelter. You know it’s interesting because in those moments he is no longer the “invisible man”, but instead, he is a real guy with a real story and often times he has ~ real needs. I would have to say that the “off ramp guy” is above almost anything else, the most consistent 'thorn in my side' because I vary so greatly in my reaction to him. 

 
It’s not that I hold myself in poor light based on whether I give money or not, or even as to whether I speak or not. No, what gets me is the condition of my own heart when I see him. Regardless of “why” he is there or “what” he may be trying to accomplish by being there, what often haunts me is the reaction of my own heart towards him, (the part of me that no one else even knows about~ except my Creator). Sometimes I will think to myself, “YOU need to get a job! Why should I give YOU money that I work for, when YOU aren’t willing to do the same?” Sometimes I will think, “YOU MUST be crazy, why else would you stand out here all day long?” Sometimes I will think, “Uh-oh! I better lock my door, he might be dangerous – he looks kinda off!” But then sometimes, (and I believe it’s when I am really connected to God), I will think, “I wonder who he is and how he has ended up here. I wonder if he needs help. I wonder if he knows how much God loves him.” Then the hardest thought of all will creep in, “Why am I to busy to tell him that God loves him? Why am I just sitting here? Why am I not at the very least saying a prayer for him?” 

 
You see, it eats at me because I know that when I am having my “judgmental thoughts” they are stemming out of my own pride, ego and self-righteousness. Who am I to look down on this man? Was I not there myself at one time in my life? I might not have been on a street corner… “But I assure you it’s only because I didn’t think of it!” Was I not: a thief; a liar; a cheat; a scammer; a con? Was it not I that went without bathing OR changing clothes regularly - seeing absolutely no hope for my future? Did I not look at people, (but not really), just looking for what they would give me so that I could stay numb for just one more day in this life? Did I not on my best day…wish for the end – believing my life had “no meaning and no purpose”? 

 
So why am I not standing in this man’s shoes today? Was it because: I picked myself up? I was so smart? I was a better person? Or am I not standing where he is because: God loved me even then…during my most horrible moments; Because people I didn’t even know reached out to me and loved me when I couldn’t love myself; Because in that state of utter hopelessness someone prayed to God on my behalf; Because even though I looked crazy, dirty and unstable…someone made eye contact with me; and because once at 2am someone welcomed me into their home, (while I was high), where their children were sleeping and prayed for me? You see, this is why the man at the off-ramp is the thorn in my side. He is the daily reminder of my reprieve and of my responsibility to be thankful for this life and the One who gave it to me. As well as to love and pray for those around me…especially the very least appealing among them. 

 
I was a part of a teaching series that was on this simple premise: “If you knew for a fact that you had 30 days left to live….how would you live it?” Well, the obvious things that came to my mind were to love my family and my friends as much as possible. However, the feeling that really intensified over the 30 days that I participated in this series, was the desire to share with as many people as possible, (especially those that are the easiest to overlook), my experience that God loves them, adores them and desires above all else to have a relationship with them. To share my own life as an example of that love and to always realize that I didn’t earn this life, but was lovingly “spared” the last one. 

 
The holidays are upon us and this time of the year always seems to bring about a desire to be connected to, to share with and to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. It’s a time of year that seems to evoke self-reflection and to become aware of things we would like to change in the year to come. Being the way that I am by nature, I always want to make those changes BIG and FAST, but of course it doesn’t really work that way in the long run. For the first time in a long time, I’m not feeling the need to have “big sweeping changes” but rather there is just a desire to not waste my days and to not lay my head down at night with regret for opportunities missed. What always makes me feel good is when I vigorously pursue that 12th step of service to other recovering people. What always makes me feel great is when I not only pursue it within the walls of the recovery community…but in the community of life its self. I want to share with you my prayer and wish you ALL a wonderful Thanksgiving, Happy Hanukah and Merry Christmas! 
“Dear God, please enable me to see with Your eyes, to hear with Your ears and to love with Your heart this day ~ Amen and Shalom” 

(c) 2009-2021 Rebecca Balko

I Think My Dad's An ALIEN!

As a young child I was blessed with a vivid imagination, which allowed for hours upon hours of self propelled entertainment in my backyard and in my room. Growing up as an asthmatic who was allergic to pretty much everything, (except food), I spent a fair amount of time alone or indoors. Having a great imagination really helped to make those hours not seem so lonely as it often brought my dolls to life. They were: the audience for my concerts and theatrical performances; the students for my lessons; the patrons for my restaurant; the customers for my store; the patients in my ER and the citizens of my town! The walls of my bedroom would easily transform into the backdrop for any one of the aforementioned scenarios. When in the backyard, (on days that weren't to cold and when the air didn't have too much pollen or rag weed), the adventures were even better! There was a large Weeping Willow tree that I loved to climb and pretend that I was either a pirate on a ship, looking over the sea, or that I lived in a prehistoric jungle, charged with keeping watch for dinosaurs to protect my village! I also greatly enjoyed my swing set, where I would turn on my black portable AM radio, (pulling the long antenna up to get the best reception), and swing for quite literally hours upon hours, singing song after song at the top of my lungs. 

Well let me tell you, while my imagination truly was a gift, it did also get me into my fair share of trouble and often caused distress that was completely unnecessary. I would get an idea into my head and adding my imagination to it, was like adding fertilizer to the soil where seeds are planted - in no time things could grow and become quite dramatic between my ears! One such example of this happened around 1976, when my family had taken a vacation to Jekyll Island, GA. It was a bit of a change because we always took our summer vacations to Panama City Beach, FL. Either way, I was happy simply because I loved the beach so much. On this particular trip however, I was listening to my dad talk in the car and something in his voice sounded different, (he had cleared his throat a couple times, but it still sounded slightly off), and the idea came into my mind at that very moment, "What if my dad...isn't my dad at all?" Well, there you have it ~ the seed was planted!

You see, by this point in my life, (as a young television enthusiast), I had long been exposed to weekly shows like: Star Trek; Planet of the Apes and the Land of the Lost - with those creepy Sleestaks. So for some time, an idea had ten root in my subconscious, but now was all I could think of as I listened to the change in my dad's voice...ALIENS! As we rode along in the car it all started to make sense: My dad had ALWAYS smoked cigarettes, but now he DIDN'T anymore! My dad always took us to Panama City Beach, FL for summer vacation, but THIS dad was taking us to a place called, (dun..dun... dunnnn), JEKYLL ISLAND! Then it hit me like a ton of bricks..."I think my dad's an ALIEN!" My mind began to race as I looked at my sister and my mom - poor dears, they had NO idea! What was I going to do? What could I do? As we pulled in to the hotel parking lot I resolved that I would watch him, as I suspected that this must be the beginning of perhaps and alien takeover and that creepy Jekyll Island was where my alien dad was going to take my mom, sister and I to be swapped out for alien replacements!

That first night I tossed and turned, wondering when this could have happened to my REAL dad, and what it would be like to be replaced by an alien me - it was all just to horrible! The next day we were at the pool playing, but I couldn't quit thinking about it. That evening it all came to a head when he, (my alien dad), asked me to go for a walk with him on the beach. My heart began to race, (trying to think of what to say to get out of what surely would be my alien swapping), but all I heard come out of my mouth was "OK". After all, I loved walking on the beach and I loved my dad...and this alien dad just looked SO MUCH like him! We walked over the boardwalk that led to the beach and I dragged behind him, watching to see if he walked differently - gazing at the beach ahead and wondering, "Will this be the last time I will see this world?" Just then he turned back, (smiling), with his hand extended to me and said, "Come on honey, what are you doing? Hold my hand, let's go!" As I reached for his hand I thought, "Goodbye world"...but then...our feet hit the sand...we walked and we walked. Time passed and he told me funny things that made me laugh and slowly I realized, "He's not an alien - that's MY DAD!!"

It's funny though: How many times have we complicated our days, our relationships, our lives in general by not simply communicating our concerns? Surely, a great deal of stress, conflict, drama - and yes - even heartburn and ulcers, could be avoided by this simple sanity saving action!

(c) 2014-2021 Rebecca Balko