As the family member or friend of someone with the disease of addiction and/or mental health diagnosis,
there are certain things that many people share, both emotionally and through experience, when their loved one is not in a well and balanced state, which are:
i. Being a witness to the harm they are doing to
themselves and others, (recognizing what they could do to change it), but when offering solutions – finding yourself on the receiving end of
words such as: crazy; bossy; nagging and wrong
ii. Being lied to and manipulated: Sometimes
this is done through kindness and sometimes it is done with demands; including
having blame pointed at you and sometimes even abuse
iii. Being on the receiving end of mood swings
ranging from: happy – angry – tired – restless – sad – scared – needy –
withdrawn – talkative – silent – engaged – isolated
iv. Experiencing their obsession(s) – usually
with alcohol or drugs, but this can also be pointed into other directions as
well
– but they all become unbalanced leading to disconnection and often conflict
v. Experiencing personal feelings of:
Loneliness, uncertainty and longing
vi. Slowly losing sight
of who ‘you’ are, (personal identity), and what makes ‘you’ feel: joyfulness, motivation
and wholeness - because that identity and sense of wellness, begins
to become contingent on ‘the loved one being OK’. (i.e – If ‘they’ are OK…then ‘you’ can be OK…BUT…If they are ‘not’
OK, then ‘you’ can not be OK.) **This is very similar to the addict, who’s life
eventually revolves around their obsession, so to – the family member’s life
eventually revolves around the addict/alcoholic**
NOTE: The focus of this
meeting will be from vi and the development of self-care and wellness in
10 areas:
1.
Identify what makes you happy and/or what you get enjoyment from. If its been a while, then think of what you remember
from your past that gave you this and start listing them. (i.e – Going on weekend trips; Writing; Painting; Exercising; Having
dinner with a friend; etc…) You can use this to begin setting goals to get back to what you
enjoy.
2. Establish a support system that provides you with connection, encouragement, support and camaraderie. Some ways this can be done is with:
a. The Family Facebook Group
b. 12 Step Community: Al-Anon; Nar-Anon; Celebrate Recovery and SMART
c. Individual
Counseling or Therapy
d. Religious
Support
e. Family
and Friends (who offer healthy support)
3.
Give
yourself a break! You can begin by…Starting with 10-15min a day that is for YOU. This time can be used to: Sit quietly; To read or listen to some of your favorite songs; To
meditate or pray; To lay still; etc…
It will be
important to:
a.
Make
sure your family members who live with you, know that this time is YOURS
b.
It can
be good to designate an area or location that is YOUR area
4.
Change
the scenery: If you find that there is a tendency to
go to the same places daily and the same routine daily, then shake things up and do something different. Perhaps go to a local
park, a lake or a beach; Go for a walk or ride a bike; Maybe just get in your
car – roll the windows down – turn up the music and drive!
5.
Treat
yourself! Make it a point to
provide yourself with special things! This might be by: Getting a massage; Mani/Pedi; Going on a weekend
get-away; Eating out somewhere REALLY nice; etc… The main
thing is that by doing this, it will grow in you, the awareness that YOU matter and are worthy of special experiences. (Sometimes we forget that)
6. Connect with friends and family: It is extremely important for self-care and wellness, to
have people who are close to you. People that know you better than the average person and that you know really do want the best for you and believe the best about you. (They are in YOUR corner ALWAYS) If you are in a season where these relationships have gotten away from
you, then it is time to begin reaching out. It can be a simple as asking a
friend to meet for coffee (OR) if they don’t live near you, invite them to
coffee over ZOOM!
7. Come up with NEW things to experience: Be creative in this
process! Maybe it’s a painting, sewing or pottery class; Eating out somewhere you’ve never been; Learning
something new like dance or golf; Going somewhere you’ve heard about, but never been; Going on a hike; Riding a horse, etc… Part of a
fulfilling life, is in our experiences!
8. Utilizing tools to help with calming: Certainly one thing that comes in the midst of day to day living, and especially when dealing with active addiction and/or mental health issues, is that of experiencing stress. It is especially important to develop calming
exercises, often this can be good for unwinding from a long day or even at bedtime. Some suggestions are:
a.
Utilizing
links for this in the FREEDOM BLOG
b.
Using
the INSIGHT TIMER app
c.
Using
the MINDFULNESS COACH app
9. Journaling: In day to day living, with all of its responsibilities and experiences, ranging from joyful to stressful, our minds work diligently to try and
process it all. As time passes, if we don’t work through these experiences, the emotions can build and ultimately end up directing and controlling the emotional course of the day, robbing you of enjoying the experiences of the moment. By taking time daily to ‘journal’ all
of it – the good, the bad and the in-between, it can help make sense of things. (Not to mention, if you are working with an
accountability partner or therapist – you can then use the journal to help remember what to discuss)
LASTLY – When journaling daily, build the habit of
always writing at least 3 things in your day that were pleasant and/or that
you were grateful for.
10. Give Yourself Permission:
a. To
just say “No.” – No need to explain. You DO have the right to say “No”
b. To ask
for help when you need it (and especially when you think you don’t)
c. To take
time for YOU
d. To have your own feelings and needs felt, expressed and taken care of
e. To take
care of your mental health, medical care, nutrition and rest as a priority
RESOURCES:
i. Living Out Your
Life In Freedom Blog: https://www.livingoutyourfreedominrecovery.com/
ii. Mindfulness
Coach App: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/mindfulness-coach/id804284729
iii. Insight Timer Meditation
App:
https://apps.apple.com/us/app/insight-timer-meditation-app/id337472899
iv. A Guide to
Caregiver Self-Care:
https://www.care2caregivers.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Caregiver-Self-Care-Booklet-English.pdf
