As spouses/parents/children/friends of alcoholics, we tend to be strong, loyal, compassionate people. Always looking out for the best interests of others. We love big and hurt even bigger, yet we bounce back from those hurts and try even harder.
Our #1 problem tends to be we don’t understand WHY they drink. We can’t understand because we do not think the way they do, and probably never will. We spend all of our energy trying to make their life good, so they won’t drink. That makes sense in our minds. We stress ourselves to unhealthy levels to ensure they are happy. But they still drink. WHY isn’t my love enough? WHY isn’t our life good enough? WHY don’t they care about me/family? I’m sure you have asked those questions a million times.
You are NOT alone! We all ask these questions at some point or another. The real question should be - How can I cope with these issues? Every support person needs support or it will crush you eventually. We all come to a point where we can’t handle it all anymore. If you put too much stress on a support beam without proper balance it will give out eventually.
Please know and understand we CAN NOT control the life of an alcoholic. We can only control our own life. Our own 3 foot world. {A 3 foot diameter around your person) We are responsible for getting our OWN help and support. We can not allow alcohol control over our own lives. If we continue in the cycle of its control- we end up bitter, resentful, exhausted and full of anxiety. How can we be supportive when we are broken? We can’t. And that keeps the cycle going.
Our healing begins with forgiveness. Forgiving isn’t to “let the alcoholic off” from the destruction they cause in our lives. No, forgiveness is for your healing- your peace- your pathway forward! Sometimes forgiveness requires a daily choice to walk in peace and forgiveness, it’s rarely a one time deal. Once you choose to forgive all of the hurts, pain and destruction, let it go! Give it to God and allow HIS peace to flow through you. It takes some faith to let it go, because we like to hold on to it as a means of self gratification. That’s a whole other topic!
Now, that you have chosen to forgive to help yourself, you need to find some outside support. People who are or were in your position, people who understand your pain, frustration and stress. Doing so, will provide you with the support you need to be the support your loved one needs. Talking and listening to others who have been or are in your situation is beyond comforting and helps us to feel seen, heard and supported.
Please reach out, we are all in this together. You are NOT Alone.
Julie Brewer-spouse of a recovering alcoholic
Freedom Family FB group
Al-Anon.org
**Provided by Julie B.**
