FINDING BALANCE WITH the EMOTIONS of RESENTMENT and FEAR (Part 1)

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Step 4:  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

In Step 4 we begin the first of 9 action-based steps, that will be taken WITH God, to bring about personal accountability, repentance, (sincere regret or remorse), and healing - leading to a deeper intimacy with our Creator through the identification of experiences and personal role in the areas of: Resentment; Fear; Pride; and Sex. This week we will be looking at the areas of Resentment and Fear. Before we do though, we will first look at what is happening in the course of this particular step, through breaking it down, by defining key words such as:

Searching:  To examine carefully or thoroughly in order to discover; To look into, question or scrutinize; To look at or beneath the superficial aspects of in order to discover motive, reaction, feeling and basic truth.

Fearless:    Without fear; Not afraid

Moral:         Founded on the fundamental principles of right conduct rather than legalities, enactment or custom.

Inventory:  A detailed list of articles, goods, property, etc...(history) identifying: work in progress; Finished goods and stock; Comes from the Latin, (Inventus/Invenire), which means: 'To come upon or find'.

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So to summarize: In Step 4 we are going to fearlessly search out things that have occurred in our lives, as well as our own conduct, identifying those various aspects of our lives in order to determine the parts that are healthy or unhealthy, and then what to do with what is found. I will point out here that although this step does not directly say 'God is part of it'...it is implied through the wording of the step itself.

Explanation:    As a human being I have 4 instinctual emotions, (Given to me by my Creator at birth: Resentment/ Fear/ Pride and Sex), and each of these I am fully capable of experiencing without relying upon God. HOWEVER...these emotions left unbalanced lead to problems, (which we will discuss further shortly), and so we NEED the qualities of God to have balance. God's qualities are: Love; Patience; Tolerance; Courage; Humility; and Wisdom. So for me to be able to 'fearlessly' inventory my past conduct and perhaps, painful things that have happened to me, (that up until now I may or may not have dealt with), I am going to need Courage...(i.e. ~ I am going to need GOD!)

So today we will begin by looking at the first of these instinctual emotions known as: Resentment - which comes from the Latin Prefix (re), which means again, (as to repeat) and (sentire), which means to feel. When we are experiencing resentment, we are actually 're-playing' in our mind what happened to us and 're-feeling' that experience. The reason that this emotion, when left unbalanced, can be so harmful, is that what we are actually doing in our mind, is attempting to change the past. You see, we don't resent the future, (because it hasn't happened), and we can't resent the present, (it's not possible). We can only resent the past.  So a person ends up in an unhealthy loop of emotion with no solution available to them because there is NO going back in time.  

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There are 3 types of Resentment:  

 

(1) Resentment - outside of self

(2) Self-Resentment - comes from unresolved resentment and is when our anger is turned inward

(3) Self Pity - is the final phase of unresolved self-resentment, where self-imposed emotional and/or physical isolation begins. (i.e. - Poor me! Poor me! Pour me another drink!)

Unhealthy resentment stems from an 'emotion led' way of living: (Reactions, Emotions and Feelings), as opposed to an 'action led' way of living: (Actions, Thinking, Reasoning and Planning)

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that resentment is the number one offender that destroys more alcoholics than anything else. But that truth is not limited to alcoholics - it is for everyone! Think about it...when you have harbored anger and bitterness, did it lead to fullness in your life or a lack of it? The destruction from resentment can be seen in broken families and friendships, lost jobs and dreams, etc...

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You might be thinking, "Well, it sounds like resentment is not a good thing - so why would God give it to us?" There actually is a God given purpose for resentment and that was for our survival and to make us competitive - so that we might have success and fulfillment in our lives. (Survival Example: When a newborn is hungry or in need, what does it do? It gets angry and cries until someone figures out what it needs and takes care of it. The baby is not concerned with how tired the caregiver is or what else is going on. It has a need that it can't communicate or take care of and it will get angrier and angrier until that need is met. This design was to ensure the child would survive. / Competitive Example: If someone wanted a job and was qualified for a promotion, but didn't prepare and lost the opportunity to someone less qualified who did prepare...the healthy response would be knowing that the failure was due to lack of personal preparation, (identifying the problem) and determination to be prepared when the next opportunity came, (corrective action). 

*The actions of love, tolerance and patience balance the emotion of resentment* 

In the inventory we identify FOUR areas:

 

(1) The people, principles or institutions with whom we have had resentment

(2) What each one did/caused

(3) Its effect on your: self-esteem; personal or sex relations; pride; security; ambitions; pocket book

(4) Where we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened. 

-- Often we actually do the first three columns without a problem, and this alone fuels negative resentment. The REASON that column four is so important, is that while we have no control over other people, institutions, past wrongs, etc...the ONE THING that we DO have the ability to change is ourselves. For EACH area that we can find our role, (no matter how obscure), we then gain the ability to bring about change in this area of our life.

The way this is accomplished is through the act of  sincere regret/remorse; ownership and accountability before God and having reliance upon God - which will happen in the Fifth Step. (Both contributing greatly to our growth in intimacy with God and others)

NEXT we look at the area of FEAR:

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Fear:    To be afraid or frightened of; To be uneasy or apprehensive about.

There are 3 types of Fear:

(1) Guilt:   Fear of the past, (of what will happen because of something I've done - personal responsibility), and is not to be confused with Remorse which is: moral anguish arising from remorse for past misdeeds /regret

(2) Dread:  The fear of the future  (the unknown)

(3) Procrastination:  To put off / Fear of failure

In looking at this again, one might question - 'How can fear be a good thing?' bur the truth is, that God, (in His wisdom), gave us this emotional instinct of fear for the purpose of protection. Without balance, we will not use fear for this purpose, but will end up 'over using' it - and rather than protecting ourselves, we will instead do one of two things: over react (OR) under react.     

In the Bible there is a book called Job, who had this to say about fear: What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me; I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.  

**ALL fear is rooted in our lack of faith - A faith that will grow as we take this journey with God**  

The healthy use of fear is when it leads to COURAGE, that bring about the ACTION needed to RESOLVE what is causing the fear to begin with. The reason that this instinctual God given fear is good, is that it causes us to even take action in going to our Creator for solutions - thereby growing in intimacy with Him.

The inventory will be done the same way except that it will be listing the person, institution or principles that caused the fear.

WHAT TO DO:   

(1)  (When you're ready) Commit to daily work on your inventory sheets.

***This should NOT be done until you have thoroughly completed steps 1-2 AND have an accountability partner/sponsor/ OR someone you trust to talk to***

(2)  EACH TIME before writing on your inventory, pray: God, I ask that you would give me the wisdom, ability and courage to recall and write what You would bring to my mind. I offer myself to you completely and thank you for your faithfulness in this process ~ Amen    

(c) 2015-2024 Rebecca Balko                                                      

SUPPORTING THE SUPPORTER

 

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As spouses/parents/children/friends of alcoholics, we tend to be strong, loyal, compassionate people. Always looking out for the best interests of others. We love big and hurt even bigger, yet we bounce back from those hurts and try even harder. 

Our #1 problem tends to be we don’t understand WHY they drink. We can’t understand because we do not think the way they do, and probably never will. We spend all of our energy trying to make their life good, so they won’t drink. That makes sense in our minds. We stress ourselves to unhealthy levels to ensure they are happy. But they still drink. WHY isn’t my love enough? WHY isn’t our life good enough? WHY don’t they care about me/family? I’m sure you have asked those questions a million times. 

You are NOT alone! We all ask these questions at some point or another. The real question should be - How can I cope with these issues? Every support person needs support or it will crush you eventually. We all come to a point where we can’t handle it all anymore. If you put too much stress on a support beam without proper balance it will give out eventually. 

Please know and understand we CAN NOT control the life of an alcoholic. We can only control our own life. Our own 3 foot world. {A 3 foot diameter around your person) We are responsible for getting our OWN help and support. We can not allow alcohol control over our own lives. If we continue in the cycle of its control- we end up bitter, resentful, exhausted and full of anxiety. How can we be supportive when we are broken? We can’t. And that keeps the cycle going. 

Our healing begins with forgiveness. Forgiving isn’t to “let the alcoholic off” from the destruction they cause in our lives. No, forgiveness is for your healing- your peace- your pathway forward! Sometimes forgiveness requires a daily choice to walk in peace and forgiveness, it’s rarely a one time deal. Once you choose to forgive all of the hurts, pain and destruction, let it go! Give it to God and allow HIS peace to flow through you. It takes some faith to let it go, because we like to hold on to it as a means of self gratification. That’s a whole other topic! 

Now, that you have chosen to forgive to help yourself, you need to find some outside support. People who are or were in your position, people who understand your pain, frustration and stress. Doing so, will provide you with the support you need to be the support your loved one needs. Talking and listening to others who have been or are in your situation is beyond comforting and helps us to feel seen, heard and supported. 

Please reach out, we are all in this together. You are NOT Alone. 

Julie Brewer-spouse of a recovering alcoholic 

Freedom Family FB group 

Al-Anon.org

**Provided by Julie B.**