So far, I’ve been alive and kicking on this planet for 47 years and in that time I’ve been active, at one point or another, in schools, churches, marching band, clubs, youth groups, jobs, fellowships, committees and more. I’ve been interested in drawing, photography, swimming, springboard diving, playing musical instruments, stand up comedy, educating children and adults, snorkeling, writing, public speaking, etc.. I consider the things most important in my life to be my relationship with God, my recovery, marriage, step daughters and family, my friends and my job.
In each of these areas, the experiences have had a wide range of outcomes, from very good to very bad – very happy to very sad. Among the areas of interest I have a couple of examples which are as follows:
I joined the band in 6th grade and remained in until my Jr. Year of High School. In that time I learned to play the flute and piccolo. I had the experience of playing in the halftime show for the Dallas Cowboys vs. Pittsburgh Steelers Game: Marching in the NYC Macy’s Day Parade and marching on top of one of the World Trade Towers for the Guinness Book of World Records, with the chance to possibly go to CA for the Rose Bowl parade my senior year. I briefly did springboard diving as a youth and seemed to be a natural – my first competition was a county meet and I got 6th place, which was thrilling to say the least. (My coach told my mom he believed I had the ability to become very good).
With regards to the things most important to me: I also enjoyed the experience of believing in God and finding out I had a purpose in my life through Him; Learning that there was a solution to be found in living life based on some very simple and concise principles; Getting married with all the dreams that came with it - having the added pleasure of gaining step children, and learning through all of them what it was to see that there is something in this life FAR more important than myself; Finding the joy in being a part of a loving family and discovering that in gaining friends with whom I found a deep love, even with no blood relation; Lastly, the sense of accomplishment and contentment found in a job that pushes and pulls, to allow the experience of passion for growth and development to occur.
Now all that being said, there is another side to this coin. Let me go back now and tell you:
When I joined the band in 6th grade I found out that when I heard a song I could play it without the need to read the music. It was incredibly exciting – no matter what it was, in a very short time I could sound it out and play it. So I chose to never learn to read music and went undiscovered until my Jr. Year of High School – when trying out for seats in winter band. (A new tryout room had been made that was sound proof and so I couldn’t prepare before I came in.) When I went to try out and didn’t know the song I was faced with being “last chair”. Needless to say, my Director was shocked that I couldn’t read one note. Humiliated – “I quit” and dreams of the Rose Bowl Parade went with it. Although my diving coach had expressed a belief that I had considerable ability, I couldn’t stand the fact that I wasn’t winning 1st place shortly after that first meet and ultimately I chose to leave diving.
Although having a “belief” in God and that He had a purpose for me, it wasn’t very “fast”, so instead I pursued a quick fix by making drugs and alcohol my solution – ultimately leading to my utter destruction; I got clean and learned that there were some principles by which I could live and my life would change in ways I couldn’t imagine, but it just took to long – so I used again…and fell apart again; I had a family who loved me and believed in me, but I did not appreciate what they had to offer, busying myself instead by looking for happiness elsewhere – and they were hurt; I got married with a lot of dreams, but my relationship selection was based on “need” rather than “like”…and that never ends well – so divorce followed; In marriage I had step children…and in divorce I lost them – a pain I didn’t even know was possible; I had a couple of good friends…but sadly, I didn’t know how to be one and so people were hurt that never should have been; I had jobs and even had employers who believed in me and encouraged me to no avail – because I was never satisfied with what I had, always wanting something better and if it wasn’t…wanting nothing at all.
ALL of this can be attributed to AA, as it is, in my experience, the number one destroyer of dreams, families, jobs, joys, friendships, futures and a myriad of other things. It leads eyes away from the awesome prize of ALL that life has to offer. It causes the grass to continually be greener on the other side of that fence. It causes a haze of gray to cover those things in life so precious they shine like a diamond in the summer sun – so that their beauty is allowed to be lost.
Yes, AA leads people everyday down a slow and subtle path of demise, leaving a wake of pain and destruction behind. Arrogance and Apathy – the deadly duo: Arrogance leads to an inability to see beyond our own self-centeredness. It causes wisdom to fall to the wayside because it has ALL the answers. It never needs to look at itself and requires no help. Apathy is its first cousin, leading to the selfish tendency to say to one's self – “It’ll be fine – don’t worry about it” or “I’ll do it later”…but later never comes.
Thankfully there is a solution to this deadly duo and it is to begin with an acknowledgement to one’s self that this problem exists and then asking for help - whether it is with a trusted friend, a professional or better yet and with the God who made us. The next step is to take suggestions and direction from one or all of those mentioned above and put action behind it. In fact the best cure in the world for AA, is to: Talk about it; Acknowledge its existence to ourselves; (and) To follow that with deliberate action in those areas which have been affected, in order to set right the wrongs that have occurred.
I can say with assurance, that all is never lost forever, that wholeness CAN be restored and a new life can begin. It’s my hope that if you struggle with AA -that you will reach out today and ask for help so that your tomorrows will bring you joy!
© 2014-2021 Rebecca Balko
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