The Infinite

 

I awoke this monring to my alarm going off with its irritating 'BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!', as my arm spastically felt its way in a blind effort to hit the snooze for the now THIRD time. Rolling over and looking at the clock, I found that I now had approximately 35 minutes to get cleaned up, dressed, put the house together, take care of our dog Zeke and get on the road to work. Jolting up, I turned on the TV as I began my hurried routine, and that's when I heart it - "Today marks the anniversary of 9/11". For just those first few minutes upon awakening, I'd not remembered. I stopped what I was doing, (as my mind began to set aside the trivial issues of the morning), and grasped that quite literally, thousands upon thousands of people knew EXACTLY what today was the MOMENT that they awoke this morning: It was the day that they lost someone they loved - It was the day they witnessed something first hand, that changed them forever - It was the day they survived something that so many other didn't - It was the day they risked everthing for their fellow man. Sitting down a moment, as the gravity of it all sank into my conciousness; I could only pray for them to be comforted and strengthened on this day of memorial.

Certainly everyone was impacted by what happened in this nation Steptember 11, 2001. I don't know anyone who doesn't remember exactly where they were the moment they became aware that passenger airliners were flying or had flown into the World Trade Center - Towers I and II; into the Pentagon; and into a field in Shanksville, PA.

I was in my hotel room by Mobile Bay in Mobile, AL - having just gotten out of the shower and drying my hair when I saw on the television screen, a plane flying into the World Trade Center. I recall initially thinking it was a movie preview and slowly realizing that what I was seeing was real. Turning up the sound, I sat on the corener of the bed and listened as the news anchor, (fighting his own emotion), attempted to articulate what was happening in live time. At that point both towers had been hit. I called family and then went to the lobby of the hotel, as I could not stand to watch what was unfolding alone. Walking towards the lobby I saw about 15 military personnel talking to staff at the front desk and then I saw to my right, a group of people around a television, where I then went to watch what, in a few minutes, would unfold. As the towers collapsed, I remember my ears ringing and I could hear my own crying, (as if distanced from myself), and then, like the volume being turned back up, became aware of the cries and gasps of those around me. What I recall most is that no one was really talking, but rather, total strangers were weeping and simply embracing one another.

I came to realize that what happened in the hotel lobby that morning, was that all of us were being confronted with something infinate and attempting to grasp it with a finite mind. We were witnessing true evil, darkness and depravity on a scale, (that likely in the lifetime of those present), had never been experienced before. I have found that a natural impulse to such senselessly vile acts is to attempt to understand them with our intellect. The truth is however, that our intellect can only go so far in the search for such understanding - but can certainly never fully comprehend the acts of that day or of any other kind of depraved indifference that we see in our world today.

With access to news, information and images 24/7 it is easy to bombard ourselves with this infinite darkness, which makes way and opens the door to feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiousness, anger and sadness that often leads to a skewed view of the world, our lives and our future.

The truth is though...this is only the darker side of something infinite, because there is another Infinite that is so much greater and so much MORE powerful - which is an infinite God. What do I mean by that? The infiniteness of: Love - which can be seen immediately in the eyes of parents as they bring their little ones into the world and see them for the first time, being filled with an awareness that nothing will EVER matter more to them than this precious little life; Forgiveness - which defies all logic in its ability to truly move beyond circumstances and pains which would be impossible, if not unfathomable; Hope - the very miracle of it! It is what allows the human spirit to prevail through circumstances beyond comprehention, enabling them to rise above and not be bound nor held down by them.

The greatest darkness can be destroyed in an INSTANT by the tiniest amount of light; The deepest resentment can be annihilated with the smallest step towards forgiveness; The loneliest moment of hopelessness can vanish with one small word of encouragment! I think today it behooves us to remember that everyday...ALL DAY...we are surrounded by and have access to the Infinite - Who will always provide unlimited peace, hope and restoration with as little as one request.

(c) 2014-2022 Rebecca Balko

AMAZING GRACE

It was 1985, on a cool damp fall evening, with the typical chaos abounding in our little blue house nestled under the trees off an old dirt road in Marbury, Alabama. On one side of the house were the “house parents” and their 3 children. There were 9 of us on our side of the house, in a living space of approximately 1000 square feet – with five bedrooms, (2 girls in each), and our counselor in her own room. All of us shared 1 bathroom that comfortably accommodated 3 at a time…but of course on nights like this everyone was trying to do their hair and make-up at once and as expected, there was plenty of emotion to go around.

 I was nineteen and living in a program that was at that time, set up for troubled young women to help them turn things around before life’s consequences became any greater. Most of my housemates ranged in age from 13-16 and had come at the direction of their parents. I on the other hand, had come from having been in two different institutions at that point, for the treatment of addiction, as well as mental health and behavioral issues.

For the most part we never left a safe zone radius of: the house, the fields where we grew much of our own food and the Pastor’s house/church, (which were under the same roof). It was a good period in my life, though at the time and on this particular evening, (so early in my residency), it did not yet seem that way to me. I was still quite angry with the fact that I’d made such a mess of things, that I was living with a bunch of girls and that my every waking moment was filled with “God talk”…something I had been and continued to be resistant to.

All that being said, it was somewhat exhilarating to know that we were going out to an event, due to the fact that such outings were few and far between. Finally we were all ready and loaded up, with a mild tension that lingered among several of us. I can recall staring out at the countryside as we drove, with my forehead pressed against the cool glass of the window and opting for personal silence on that trip, to instead dwell heavily upon the regret and guilt I was filled with for having ended up where I was, rather than being in college like my peers back home had done. Arriving at our destination, (a medium sized church in Montgomery, AL), we headed to the downstairs where we would be having fellowship, food, worship and listening to a speaker.

In my recollection of that night’s event, I only remember a few things: I remember feeling uncomfortable with the amount of people present and the fact that they were a bunch of “church people” - my anger and self-pity growing with each passing minute.  I remember the all-consuming thoughts that there was no hope for me and that I would never measure up to those people who were all around me and I remember one significant event that occurred following the music…that I never saw coming.

I enjoyed the worship time, having always been a lover of music. The lights were put at a comfortable level and we started with very upbeat songs, to which everyone clapped and sang – something very different to me from the traditional “hymn” music and rigid protocol I’d grown up with. It then transitioned into softer music with very thoughtful lyrics. I noticed that many people seemed to allow their guard to go down, as they would close their eyes and raise their hands into the air. I recall being both intrigued with their willingness to physically make themselves so vulnerable and being unyielding in my own determination to NOT follow their lead, as I was very much locked into an instinctual need to never show weakness (even if only perceived). Though enjoying the music, I recall feelings of self-pity and hopelessness only growing, along with an overwhelming desire to get up and leave the room…and that is when it happened.

Just as I visually located the door I would attempt to exit out of, a man came onto the small stage with a big smile and commanding voice and began to tell us that we were in for a very special treat. He shared about the person who would come up next as having been a member of their congregation since he was a young child and that he was a blessing to everyone who knew him. He said, “When someone talks to Thomas there are two things that can’t be avoided: Knowing how MUCH he loves the Lord and the fact that you can NOT walk away from him without a smile on your face”. Listening, I cynically thought to myself, (from my stupor of self-loathing), “Oh great – I get to listen to yet ANOTHER person talk about how perfectly happy their life is because of God.”

As the pastor began to move left from center stage, extending his arm outward in introduction, I saw to the right that people were moving and then observed an electric wheelchair coming up the ramp and onto the stage. As the occupant of the chair came into view I recall feeling stunned, confused and a little angry – thinking to myself that “they shouldn’t be making this poor guy come up there”. In the chair was a young man probably a few years older than me. He was very thin, with thick glasses and his body was severely contorted and moving involuntarily, as his neck and head strained to the left. Another man positioned him at center stage and adjusted the microphone for him, as Thomas ever so slightly waved the fingers on his left hand at the audience and smiled. At that point several people began clapping and cheering “Thomasssss!!!” The lights were dimmed over all of us and one bright light shown down on Thomas. He pointed one finger towards the side stage and the music began – Amazing Grace. As he began to sing, it was very difficult to understand his words…but in short order – that didn’t matter.

Listening to Thomas sing, my mind shifted from an awkward discomfort of watching someone so severely affected by Cerebral Palsy, to being overcome at witnessing someone who was not religious, but visibly in love with God. As Thomas sang he began to openly worship in front of everyone – raising his hands as best he could, with his eyes closed – smiling – tears flowing down his face as he sang, “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me – I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind but now I see…”. The hardness in my heart began breaking with each moment that I watched him – the pureness and sincere joy and peace of someone who had every right to be angry, bitter and hopeless. I remember my head dropping as I wept. It felt like something ran through my body, shoving out the horribleness that had taken up residency for so long and I experienced my first moment in years of utter peace and contentment beyond my comprehension. After Thomas sang, his father stood beside him and read to everyone his son’s story – which was one that had moments of anger and defeat and how he came to know God and experience change and purpose.

Certainly there was indeed a purpose – and that night for sure, I knew that his purpose in part was for me. Though I rode home quietly with my head against the car window, as I had earlier that evening, I no longer felt the consuming coldness and isolation I had for so long nurtured, but instead allowed myself to feel the goodness that had entered my heart and to ponder all that had happened. Something changed in me that night: hope replaced hopelessness and willingness replaced obstinateness. From that day forward all thoughts about leaving the program were gone, and in the months and years to follow, I would come to personally understand the mystery of Thomas’s miraculous joy - being ever thankful for that one fall night so long ago in Montgomery, AL. 

©2015-2021 Rebecca Balko

A Letter to 2020

 

What a year YOU have been. It is so easy to say that BY FAR you have been the WORST year…the STRANGEST year…the year that felt the most like fly paper! Indeed, it would be easy to just forget you even happened and throw you into the garbage heap of memories lost. It would be SO easy to say that you gave NOTHING but pain….

 But….the truth is that there is no appreciation…without struggle! There is no value found in light, unless coming from darkness. There is no true success, without a journey through failure….and there is no depth of spiritual intimacy, without experiencing an absolute desperation that comes ONLY from reaching the end of yourself and so reaching out to God.

 Yes 2020 – you have truly been a LOT…but BECAUSE of you – we have and continue to feel, see and experience the very presence of God in such a way that hope, joy and love abound where it would otherwise not be found! Because of you, my husband, (my love and best friend), and I have grown so much closer; Because of you we see God so much clearer; Because of you our hearts explode with pride in our girls and gratitude for all God has done in their lives; Because of you we are closer to our families; Because of you, I’ve grown in my job and been so BLESSED to have so many new people in my life; Because of you we’ve seen that Gods faithful provision abounds; Because of you, we have the experience that could ONLY have come from surviving this year, and the knowledge that INDEED, we can make it ‘one day at a time’.

 So 2020, I won’t say that we will miss you, but I will say that we have gratitude for you and joy as we face this New Year!

 GOODBYE 2020 and HELLO 2021!!!!

 Sincerely, Rebecca Balko

 Authors Note:   While this was a personal note, as this year came with a significant and painful diagnosis in our family, I believe anyone can make this ‘Letter to 2020’ a personal one for yourself. Perhaps you have wrestled with addiction and COVID only made it worse – or you have a loved one that you’ve watched self-destruct. Perhaps this year has just worn you down until you can’t see where there is reason to hope. I want to tell you most assuredly, “You have EVERY REASON TO HOPE!” There is no darkness, only the absence of light and there is NO hopelessness – only the absence of hope! A tiny match eliminates absolute darkness and the smallest glimmer of hope, destroys hopelessness. My prognosis at 19 was to be put on disability, placed in a group home and told I would “never function independently”. It didn’t change quickly, but friends…after finding a Power greater than that prognosis, 34 years have passed, with a life beyond my imagination. If it can happen for me…it CAN happen for you!

IS THAT THE SOUND...OF THE HOLIDAYS?!!

Can you feel it? Temperatures dropping as the fall winds usher in our winter season ~ The faint aroma of chimney smoke as it escapes into the night air; Sweaters being retrieved from summer hibernation, with their soft and encompassing warmth; Snuggling up to the one you love with popcorn and a soft blanket for a night of movies; The wafting smell of hot cocoa as it rests between your hands causing your senses to anticipate that warm chocolate heaven rolling across your pallet; Enjoying the feeling of being completely enveloped under a billowy down comforter which escorts one into a blissful nights sleep; The joy of a favorite winter chili or stew which never fails to provide a lingering warmth in the belly; or the excitement of college football and anticipation of the playoffs drawing closer still… Yes, these are but a few of the experiences we all have in one form or another, igniting in our conscious minds a reminder that the holiday season is drawing ever near. 

For some, this leads to a sense of joy, excitement and anticipation – while for others it evokes feelings of anxiety, guilt or remorse due to the memory of holidays past where active addiction/alcoholism may have caused undo pain and ruin for those whom we love and have held most dear. This pain can cause feelings of loneliness, hopelessness or even relapse. But no matter what feelings or circumstances are being experienced as the approaching holidays arrive ~ for ALL of us a genuine gladness and gratitude can be embraced. Feelings of loneliness being replaced with connectedness; hopelessness being replaced instead with hopefulness; and feelings of relapse being replaced with the miracle of life and recovery. One might ask, “How is gladness and gratitude possible in the midst of such struggles?” Well, we need only look at the immediate blessings that exist before us:

Let’s start with the good news that this is a NEW season ~~ the years past are just that, “season’s gone by”. Recovery, (as in life), affords us the opportunity to have a “do over” or to “start a new”. The past holiday season could have been absolutely terrible…but that was last year. THIS is a new day and can truly be the beginning of fresh and wonderful memories! Some may ask, “How can I be happy because I am not even with my family now” or “I don’t have my home anymore” or “I have lost my job” or “I can’t buy gifts for everyone”. This does not mean that this season can’t be filled with beautiful and lasting memories. Gratitude is ALWAYS a good way to kick start ourselves into a different direction. Let’s look at a few of the things we can say we are grateful for today:

            1.          I am clean and sober!

2.      I belong to a fellowship of great people, many of whom are now dear friends. (Some might say, “I don’t know anybody that well yet, how do I know I won’t stay lonely? How do I know I will get close to people?) Because if we are clean/sober and are practicing a program of recovery we find that we are NEVER alone again

3.       I have literally YEARS ahead of me – things WILL get better! (How do I know that?)  Because NOTHING stays the same forever. If things are bad…they logically have to get better. While in ourselves we are limited and finite…we belong to a God that is infinite and limitless.

Another area of gratitude to motivate those of us who have survived so much already….We are ALIVE! It is the easiest of blessings to take for granted. I need only go out into the cool night air – feeling the breeze blowing through my hair and against my face, gazing upon the moon and stars as they cast their subtle light upon me, breathing in through my nostrils the coolness of night and hearing the earth as it gives way beneath my feat as I take in my surroundings on a late night stroll. It is in this moment that my mind becomes profoundly aware of the greatest gift, the most tremendous of blessings, causing my heart and mind cry out to my God ~ “Thank you that I am alive!”

Recovery has some important principles to it that deserve application during the holiday season. One of the most important truths we learn in recovery is that “feelings” don’t keep us clean nor do they contribute in anyway to the growth and strengthening of my spiritual condition. The only thing that does this is A C T I O N! We know the “actions” that keep us growing in our recovery are things like, step work, sponsorship, prayer and service work. Well this principle of action is a guaranteed successful tool in not only “surviving the holidays”…but quite literally making them the BEST EVER! A principle we learn in early recovery is that “self” is the root of our problems and that “selflessness” is where our solution can be found. Well, you know the saying, “We keep what we have by giving it away?” Along those same lines there is another principle I have found to be true – “To get what we’ve never gotten or to get back what we lost along the way, (perhaps hope, joy, peace, sanity or maintained recovery through the holidays) ~ we have only to get out of ourselves and try something new!!! 

Here are some suggestions for staying clean & sober AND making this the BEST holiday season EVER!

1.   Stay in close communication with your    sponsor - (daily if needed)

2.   Volunteer for service work in your home group or within the recovery community, for meetings and events being held through the holidays.

3.   Be sure to have a listing of no less than 5 people with strong recovery time, and their contact information, to be able to reach out any time you may need them.

4.    Provide YOUR number to at least ONE person who is "newer than you" that might need support during the holidays, so that you can be there for them!

5.    Find out what events and needs Mandala Healing Center has, that you can get involved in and be of service to the patients at the property AND in the private Mandala Alumni FB Group

6.  Reach out to your Mandala Alumni Family in the Facebook Group; Alumni ZOOM "Morning Coffee' Sat. 9am meeting; (OR) Text the Alumni Support Line for support and connection when needed!

7.    Strive daily to do a random act of kindness - whether it is for a friend or a total stranger. (If you do it in secret, never telling a sole - God will know ~ and that is truly a wonderful experience!)

8.    If you see a homeless person, smile at them...(they may have felt unnoticed for a long time)

9.    Along those same lines...If you see someone who is hungry or thirsty ~ bring them some food or water.

10.    Check out service opportunities where you can volunteer in your local community: A soup kitchen; Habitat for Humanity; The Angel Tree, (that provides toys for kids who won't have them otherwise) - Even if you can't afford to give you CAN afford to assist in volunteering to help gather the toys; or even figuring out your OWN charitable drive - like collecting sweaters, jackets or blankets to give tot he homeless on the streets.

11.    If you are lonely...rather than waiting for someone to invite you somewhere, (they may assume you have somewhere to be)...why don't YOU be the one to give the invite! To either go out as a group somewhere or to come to your place for pizza, popcorn and a movie! Perhaps in doing so, you will give someone else a brighter day!

12.    Leave a small gift for someone who serves you - perhaps a postal worker, gas station attendant, grocery store clerk, pastor or rabbi; perhaps a waiter or waitress where you frequently eat!

13.    Make a FULL gratitude list of quite literally EVERYTHING you can think of! (From sunlight, to water, your breath, the wind, sight, sound, a mind that still works, finger and toenails; etc...)

14.    On Hanukkah, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and/or New Year's Eve - Go to 12-step meetings and make a conscious effort to look for someone in need of support, then be the one who is there to offer YOUR hand to uplift that struggling member. ☺

15.    If you are REALLY having a hard time, (as we sometimes do), and find YOU can't pull  yourself out of the rut you are in...ask the God of your understanding to do for you what you can not do for yourself, by saying this: "God, please help me to see with Your eyes, hear with Your ears and love with Your heart today."

What a wondrous life! The opportunity for a fresh start to live again…not one that we “deserved”, but rather one that was freely given to us.  One of the most tremendous gifts I believe we have been given is in being blessed with KNOWING our “life’s purpose”…(at least one of them). A lot of people in this world go to the grave wondering why they were put on this earth in the first place and never getting that answer. WE know at least one incredible purpose! It is something that will lift me up and I can do anytime ~ and that is to be a vessel for my Higher Power and offer my hand to another sick and suffering addict/alcoholic sharing with them the solution I have found by way of my experience, strength and hope. How incredible is that?!! That someone like me with a medical prognosis at 19, that I needed to live in a group home, be put on disability and could never function independently – to being someone that the God of the Universe would actually use to provide hope, love joy and a working solution that would change the lives of the hopeless!
It is my most sincere and heart felt wish that this holiday season will be your very best. God bless you all!!!

 

©2009-2021 Rebecca Balko

The Infinite ~ Remembering 9/11

I awoke this morning to my alarm going off with its irritating "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!", as my arm in a most spastic fashion, felt its way in a blind effort to his the snooze for now the THIRD time. Rolling over and looking at the clock, I found that I now had approximately 35 minutes to get cleaned up, dressed, get the house put together, take care of our dog Zeke and get on the road to work. Jolting up, I turned on the TV as I began my hurried routine, and that's when I heard it - "Today marks the anniversary of 9/11". For just those first few minutes upon awakening, I'd not remembered. I stopped what I was doing, (as my mind began to set aside the trivial issues of the morning), and grasped that quite literally, thousands upon thousands of people knew EXACTLY what today was the MOMENT that they awoke this morning: It was a day they survived something that so many others didn't - It was a day they risked everything for their fellow man. Sitting down a moment, as the gravity of it all sank into my consciousness; I could only pray for them to be comforted and strengthened on this day of memorial.

Certainly everyone was impacted by what happened in the nation September 11, 2001. I don't know anyone who doesn't remember exactly where they were the moment they became aware that passenger airliners were flying or had flown into the World Trade Center's - Tower I and Tower II; into the Pentagon; and into a field in Shanksville, PA.

I was in my hotel room by Mobile Bay in Mobile, AL, having just gotten out of the shower and drying my hair when I saw on the television screen, a plane flying into the World Trade Center. I recall initially thinking it was a movie preview and slowly realizing that what I was seeing was real. Turning up the sound, I sat on the corner of the bed and listened  a the news anchor, (fighting his own emotion), attempted to articulate what was happening in live time. At that point both towers had been hit. I called family and then went to the lobby of the hotel; as I could not stand to watch what was unfolding alone. Walking toward the lobby I saw about 15 military personnel talking to staff at the front desk and then I saw to my right, a group of people around a television, where I then went to watch what, in a few minutes, would unfold. As the towers collapsed, I remember my ears ringing and I could hear my own crying, (as if distanced from myself), and then, (like the volume being turned back up), became aware of the cries and gasps of those around me. What I recall most is that no one was really talking, but rather, total strangers were weeping and simply embracing one another.

I came to realize that what happened in that hotel lobby that morning, was that all of us were being confronted with something infinite and attempting to grasp it with our finite mind. We were witnessing true evil, darkness and depravity on a scale, (that likely in the lifetime of those present), had never been experienced before. I have found that a natural impulse to such senselessly vile acts is to attempt to understand it with the use of our intellect. The truth is however, that our intellect can only go so far in the search for such understanding - but can certainly never fully comprehend the acts of that day or of any other kind of depraved indifference that we see in our world today.

With access to news, information and images 24/7, it is easy to bombard ourselves with the infinite darkness, which makes way and opens the door to feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiousness, anger and sadness - that often lead to a skewed view of the world, our lives and our future.

The truth is though...this is only the darker side of something infinite, because there is another Infinite that is so much greater and so much MORE powerful - which is an infinite God. What do I mean by that? The infiniteness of: Love - which can be seen immediately in the eyes of parents as they bring their little ones into the world and see them for the first time, being filled with an awareness that nothing will EVER matter more to them than this precious little life; Forgiveness - which defies all logic in its ability to truly move beyond circumstances and acts which would seem impossible, if not unfathomable; Hope - the miracle of it! It is what allows the human spirit to prevail through circumstances beyond comprehension, enabling them to rise above and not be bound or held down by them.

The greatest darkness can be destroyed in an INSTANT by the tiniest amount of light; The deepest resentment can be annihilated with the smallest step towards forgiveness; The loneliest moment of hopelessness can vanish with one small world of encouragement! I think today it behooves us to remember that everyday...ALL DAY...we are surrounded by and have access to the Infinite - Who will always provide unlimited peace, hope and restoration with as little as one request.

©2014-2021 Rebecca Balko

THE INFINITE

I awoke this morning to my alarm going off with its irritating, "BEEP!..BEEP!..BEEP!", as my arm spastically felt its way in a blind effort to hit the snooze for now the THIRD time. Rolling over and looking at the clock, I found that I now had approximately 35 minutes to get cleaned up, dressed, get the house put together, take care of our dog Zeke and get on the road to work. Jolting up, I turned on the TV as I began my hurried routing, and that's when I heard it -- "Today marks the anniversary of 9/11". For just those first few minutes upon awakening, I'd not remembered. I topped what I was doing, (as my mind began to set aside the trivial issues of the morning), and grasped that quite literally, thousands upon thousands of people knew EXACTLY what today was the MOMENT that they awoke this morning: It was a day that they lost someone they loved - It was a day they witnessed something first hand, that changed them forever - It was a day they survived something that so many others didn't - It was a day they risked everything for their fellow man. Sitting down a moment, as the gravity of it all sank into my consciousness; I could only pray for them to be comforted and strengthened on this day of memorial. 

Certainly everyone was impacted by what happened in this nation September 11, 2001. I don't know anyone who doesn't remember exactly where they were the moment they became aware that passenger airliners were flying or had flown into the World Trade Center - Towers I and II; into the Pentagon; and into a field in Shanksville, PA.

I was in my hotel room by Mobile Bay, in Mobile, AL, having just gotten out of the shower and drying my hair, when I saw on the television screen, a plane flying into the World Trade Center. I recall initially thinking it was a movie preview and slowly realizing that what I was seeing was real. Turning up the sound, I sat on the corner of the bed and listened, as they new anchor, (fighting how own emotion), attempted to articulate what was happening in live time. At that point both towers had been hit. I called family and then went to the lobby of the hotel; as I could not stand to watch what was unfolding alone. 

Walking towards the lobby I saw about 15 military personnel talking to staff at the front desk and then I saw to my right, a group of people around a television, where I went to watch, what in a few moments would be the greatest tragedy I ever witnessed until then, unfold. As the towers collapsed, I remember my ears ringing and I could hear my own crying, (as if distanced from myself), and then, (like the volume being turned back up), became aware of the cries and gasps of those around me. What I recall most is that no one was really talking, but rather, total strangers were weeping and simply embracing one another.

I came to realize that what happened in the hotel lobby that morning, was that all of us were being confronted with something infinite and trying to grasp it with a finite mind. We were witnessing true evil, darkness and depravity on a scale, (that likely in the lifetime of those present), had never been experienced before. I have found that a natural impulsive response to such senselessly vile acts is to attempt to understand it with the use of our intellect. The truth is however, our intellect can only go so far in the search for such understanding - but can certainly never fully comprehend the acts of that day or of any other kind of depraved indifference that we see in our world today.

With access to news, information and images 24/7 it is easy to bombard ourselves with this infinite darkness, which makes way and opens the door to feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiousness, anger and sadness that often lead to a skewed view of the world, our lives and our future.

The truth is though...this is only the darker side of something infinite, because there is another Infinite that is so much greater and so much MORE powerful - which is an Infinite God. What do I mean by that? The infiniteness of: Love - which can be seen immediately in the eyes of parents as they bring their little ones into the world and see them for the first time, being filled with an awareness that nothing will EVER matter more to them than this precious little life; Forgiveness - which defies all logic in its ability to truly move beyond circumstances and acts which would seem impossible, if not unfathomable; Hope - which is the miracle of it! It is what allows the human spirit to prevail through circumstances beyond comprehension, enabling them to rise above and not be bound or held down by them.

The greatest darkness can be dispelled in an INSTANT by the tiniest amount of light; The deepest resentment can be annihilated with the smallest step towards forgiveness; The loneliest moment of hopelessness, can vanish with one small word of encouragement! I think today it behooves us to remember that everyday...ALL DAY...we are surrounded by, and have access to, the Infinate - Who will always provide unlimited peace, hope and restoration with as little as one spoken request.

(c) 2014-2021 Rebecca Balko

THE LIGHTHOUSE

The Lighthouse has been the subject of poems, songs, legends and movies. The first recorded lighthouse was the Pharaohs lighthouse in Alexandria Egypt. It was built approximately 280BC and was more than 450ft tall. It had a giant Poseidon, (Greek god of the sea), at the top where a huge bonfire was lit each night and was visible from more than 30 miles away. It was so big that it was named one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. This tower was used more than 1,500 years before it was destroyed by an earthquake in 1303AD. The earliest known written reference to a lighthouse is found in the Greek epic “The Iliad” dating back to 1200 BC, where descriptions are given about a forerunner of the lighthouse proper - beacon fires - which were kindled high upon hilltops.

The main purpose of the lighthouse has always been to provide a signal - Warning mariners to steer, (while they are in a dense fog or dark nights), away from cliffs, land, shorelines, coral reefs and other hazardous areas. The means by which these lighthouses can be identified is that they are different shapes and sizes, as well as being painted with different paint schemes. In addition to this, each lighthouse displays a light pattern that is unique from all the others in the area. This leads us to the second purpose for the lighthouse, which is to provide navigation, allowing mariners to know where they are in relation to the land mass that they are approaching or adjacent to. (Example: If a mariner sees a tall lighthouse with black and white stripes that are spiraled from the top down, then they know they are off the North Carolina coast town of Buxton and they are passing Diamond Shoals.) The third and final purpose of the lighthouse is to enable mariners to know how fast they are going. This is done by knowing how far apart the lighthouses are and measuring their speed by the time it takes to pass each one.

All lighthouses have the above mentioned in common, likewise the different parts that make them up are nearly identical in design all around the globe and they are as follows: A beacon (light) at the top which is in a large room with many windows (lantern room); A service room (which stores supplies); A watch room (where the keeper can watch from at night); A gallery deck; A lightning rod and a ball vent at the very top (to allow heat to escape). The other commonality is that all lighthouses are built to be sturdy and on a strong foundation, so that they will be able to withstand the elements and continue to shine brightly throughout any storm. Lighthouses continue to serve as symbols of hope to this day.

Interesting in how much something like a lighthouse can relate to our lives. I mean, how many of us have had this experience? – People in our lives that provided direction, warning and guidance. Some of the people were located in specific places so that we knew the type of direction being offered, (such as teachers, religious leaders and coaches). Some people helped us to realize the direction we were heading in, (like family, friends, and counselors), and some of these people, (like a sponsor and even people who we did not even know), provided a light in the darkness giving us hope that we were not completely lost, nor adrift and alone. What would have become of us without these lighthouses placed in our lives? Surely we would have been more severely damaged, perhaps never making it out of that state of incomprehensible demoralization and perishing in a sea of hopelessness.

It is intriguing how much the rooms of recovery are similar to lighthouses along the shores and waterways. They come in all shapes and sizes – some are small, some large, some are located in churches while still others can be found in even the most obscure of locations. Yet there they stand, a beacon shining the light of hope - not restrained to serve only “some”, but rather to be available to serve all who desire direction. Just as every lighthouse has a keeper in the watch room, so to do the rooms of recovery – you will find those who are always there, watching for new faces to offer help, guidance and a safe place. There are the volunteers who take the calls of those who are often lost, at all hours of the night or day, offering the light of hope in what might be their darkest hour. We have our “service rooms” which store needed supplies, including literature which lays out clear cut paths that can enable us to avert the treacherous terrain that often lies just out of our field of vision – but has been seen by those who have traveled before us.

A Pulitzer Prize winner for Poetry in 1990, (Charles Simic), wrote this quote:

“Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships”

I scanned the internet, initially attempting to understand what Simic was referring to and finding no answer. I re-read it again, allowing myself the freedom to draw from it my own interpretation, so I will share what came to me:  Being an alcoholic no longer drinking, I began the process, (with the guidance and direction of my God and those whom He placed in my life), of building a lighthouse in my heart. While the rest of the world could go about its way creating and developing plans to build their proverbial ships, I would be building a lighthouse that would first require a firm foundation to be established. I had been given the opportunity to focus my attention on what I found to be of far greater value and importance…developing a relationship and reliance upon the God, (that beacon of light if you will), who would provide me with a sense of direction through all that would be seen and unseen in this life – so that when the day came to build my own ship, I would be able to have safe travels and enjoy the journey.

©2011-2022 Rebecca Balko