KNOWING IS GROWING - Self Care and Wellness for Family and Friends (Part I)

 As the family member or friend of someone with the disease of addiction and/or mental health diagnosis, there are certain things that many people share, both emotionally and through experience, when their loved one is not in a well and balanced state, which are: 

 

              i.   Being a witness to the harm they are doing to themselves and others, (recognizing what they could do to change     it), but when offering solutions – finding yourself on the receiving end of words such as: crazy; bossy; nagging and wrong

 

         ii.   Being lied to and manipulated: Sometimes this is done through kindness and sometimes it is done with demands; including having blame pointed at you and sometimes even abuse 

         iii.   Being on the receiving end of mood swings ranging from: happy – angry – tired – restless – sad – scared – needy – withdrawn – talkative – silent – engaged – isolated

 

         iv.   Experiencing their obsession(s) – usually with alcohol or drugs, but this can also be pointed into other directions as well – but they all become unbalanced leading to disconnection and often conflict

          v.   Experiencing personal feelings of: Loneliness, uncertainty and longing

 

         vi. Slowly losing sight of who ‘you’ are, (personal identity), and what makes ‘you’ feel: joyfulness, motivation and wholeness - because that identity and sense of wellness, begins to become contingent on ‘the loved one being OK’. (i.e – If ‘they’ are OK…then ‘you’ can be OK…BUT…If they are ‘not’ OK, then ‘you’ can not be OK.) **This is very similar to the addict, who’s life eventually revolves around their obsession, so to – the family member’s life eventually revolves around the addict/alcoholic** 

 

NOTE:  The focus of this meeting will be from vi and the development of self-care and wellness in 

                  10 areas: 

 

1.      Identify what makes you happy and/or what you get enjoyment from. If its been a while, then think of what you remember from your past that gave you this and start listing them. (i.e – Going on weekend trips; Writing; Painting; Exercising; Having dinner with a friend; etc…) You can use this to begin setting goals to get back to what you enjoy.

 

2.      Establish a support system that provides you with connection, encouragement, support and camaraderie. Some ways this can be done is with: 

 

a.               The Family Facebook Group 

b.               12 Step Community: Al-Anon; Nar-Anon; Celebrate Recovery and SMART

c.                Individual Counseling or Therapy 

d.                Religious Support 

e.                Family and Friends (who offer healthy support)

 

3.      Give yourself a break! You can begin by…Starting with 10-15min a day that is for YOU. This time can be used to: Sit quietly; To read or listen to some of your favorite songs; To meditate or pray; To lay still; etc…

      It will be important to: 

            a.                  Make sure your family members who live with you, know that this time is YOURS 

            b.                  It can be good to designate an area or location that is YOUR area

 

4.      Change the scenery: If you find that there is a tendency to go to the same places daily and the same routine daily, then shake things up and do something different. Perhaps go to a local park, a lake or a beach; Go for a walk or ride a bike; Maybe just get in your car – roll the windows down – turn up the music and drive! 

5.      Treat yourself! Make it a point to provide yourself with special things! This might be by: Getting a massage; Mani/Pedi; Going on a weekend get-away; Eating out somewhere REALLY nice; etc… The main thing is that by doing this, it will grow in you, the awareness that YOU matter and are worthy of special experiences. (Sometimes we forget that)  

 

6.      Connect with friends and family:  It is extremely important for self-care and wellness, to have people who are close to you. People that know you better than the average person and that you know really do want the best for you and believe the best about you. (They are in YOUR corner ALWAYS) If you are in a season where these relationships have gotten away from you, then it is time to begin reaching out. It can be a simple as asking a friend to meet for coffee (OR) if they don’t live near you, invite them to coffee over ZOOM! 

 

7.      Come up with NEW things to experience: Be creative in this process! Maybe it’s a painting, sewing or pottery class; Eating out somewhere you’ve never been; Learning something new like dance or golf; Going somewhere you’ve heard about, but never been; Going on a hike; Riding a horse, etc… Part of a fulfilling life, is in our experiences! 

 

8.      Utilizing tools to help with calming: Certainly one thing that comes in the midst of day to day living, and especially when dealing with active addiction and/or mental health issues, is that of experiencing stress. It is especially important to develop calming exercises, often this can be good for unwinding from a long day or even at bedtime. Some suggestions are: 

 

a.                  Utilizing links for this in the FREEDOM BLOG 

b.                  Using the INSIGHT TIMER app 

c.                   Using the MINDFULNESS COACH app 

 

9.   Journaling:  In day to day living, with all of its responsibilities and experiences, ranging from joyful to stressful, our minds work diligently to try and process it all. As time passes, if we don’t work through these experiences, the emotions can build and ultimately end up directing and controlling the emotional course of the day, robbing you of enjoying the experiences of the moment. By taking time daily to ‘journal’ all of it – the good, the bad and the in-between, it can help make sense of things. (Not to mention, if you are working with an accountability partner or therapist – you can then use the journal to help remember what to discuss)

LASTLY – When journaling daily, build the habit of always writing at least 3 things in your day that were pleasant and/or that you were grateful for.  

 

10.  Give Yourself Permission:  

                           a.            To just say “No.” – No need to explain. You DO have the right to say “No” 

b.           To ask for help when you need it (and especially when you think you don’t) 

c.            To take time for YOU 

d.            To have your own feelings and needs felt, expressed and taken care of

e.             To take care of your mental health, medical care, nutrition and rest as a priority

 

 RESOURCES:

           

i.              Living Out Your Life In Freedom Blog: https://www.livingoutyourfreedominrecovery.com/

ii.            Mindfulness Coach App: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/mindfulness-coach/id804284729

iii.           Insight Timer Meditation App:

 https://apps.apple.com/us/app/insight-timer-meditation-app/id337472899

iv.            A Guide to Caregiver Self-Care:

https://www.care2caregivers.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Caregiver-Self-Care-Booklet-English.pdf