The Infinite

 

I awoke this monring to my alarm going off with its irritating 'BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!', as my arm spastically felt its way in a blind effort to hit the snooze for the now THIRD time. Rolling over and looking at the clock, I found that I now had approximately 35 minutes to get cleaned up, dressed, put the house together, take care of our dog Zeke and get on the road to work. Jolting up, I turned on the TV as I began my hurried routine, and that's when I heart it - "Today marks the anniversary of 9/11". For just those first few minutes upon awakening, I'd not remembered. I stopped what I was doing, (as my mind began to set aside the trivial issues of the morning), and grasped that quite literally, thousands upon thousands of people knew EXACTLY what today was the MOMENT that they awoke this morning: It was the day that they lost someone they loved - It was the day they witnessed something first hand, that changed them forever - It was the day they survived something that so many other didn't - It was the day they risked everthing for their fellow man. Sitting down a moment, as the gravity of it all sank into my conciousness; I could only pray for them to be comforted and strengthened on this day of memorial.

Certainly everyone was impacted by what happened in this nation Steptember 11, 2001. I don't know anyone who doesn't remember exactly where they were the moment they became aware that passenger airliners were flying or had flown into the World Trade Center - Towers I and II; into the Pentagon; and into a field in Shanksville, PA.

I was in my hotel room by Mobile Bay in Mobile, AL - having just gotten out of the shower and drying my hair when I saw on the television screen, a plane flying into the World Trade Center. I recall initially thinking it was a movie preview and slowly realizing that what I was seeing was real. Turning up the sound, I sat on the corener of the bed and listened as the news anchor, (fighting his own emotion), attempted to articulate what was happening in live time. At that point both towers had been hit. I called family and then went to the lobby of the hotel, as I could not stand to watch what was unfolding alone. Walking towards the lobby I saw about 15 military personnel talking to staff at the front desk and then I saw to my right, a group of people around a television, where I then went to watch what, in a few minutes, would unfold. As the towers collapsed, I remember my ears ringing and I could hear my own crying, (as if distanced from myself), and then, like the volume being turned back up, became aware of the cries and gasps of those around me. What I recall most is that no one was really talking, but rather, total strangers were weeping and simply embracing one another.

I came to realize that what happened in the hotel lobby that morning, was that all of us were being confronted with something infinate and attempting to grasp it with a finite mind. We were witnessing true evil, darkness and depravity on a scale, (that likely in the lifetime of those present), had never been experienced before. I have found that a natural impulse to such senselessly vile acts is to attempt to understand them with our intellect. The truth is however, that our intellect can only go so far in the search for such understanding - but can certainly never fully comprehend the acts of that day or of any other kind of depraved indifference that we see in our world today.

With access to news, information and images 24/7 it is easy to bombard ourselves with this infinite darkness, which makes way and opens the door to feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiousness, anger and sadness that often leads to a skewed view of the world, our lives and our future.

The truth is though...this is only the darker side of something infinite, because there is another Infinite that is so much greater and so much MORE powerful - which is an infinite God. What do I mean by that? The infiniteness of: Love - which can be seen immediately in the eyes of parents as they bring their little ones into the world and see them for the first time, being filled with an awareness that nothing will EVER matter more to them than this precious little life; Forgiveness - which defies all logic in its ability to truly move beyond circumstances and pains which would be impossible, if not unfathomable; Hope - the very miracle of it! It is what allows the human spirit to prevail through circumstances beyond comprehention, enabling them to rise above and not be bound nor held down by them.

The greatest darkness can be destroyed in an INSTANT by the tiniest amount of light; The deepest resentment can be annihilated with the smallest step towards forgiveness; The loneliest moment of hopelessness can vanish with one small word of encouragment! I think today it behooves us to remember that everyday...ALL DAY...we are surrounded by and have access to the Infinite - Who will always provide unlimited peace, hope and restoration with as little as one request.

(c) 2014-2022 Rebecca Balko

FALLEN HEROES NEVER DIE

 

Photo by Lerone Pieters on Unsplash

I like to start by qualifying ~ my clean date is 11/11/20. I was born and raised in South Jersey, I'm 1 of 4 children and I am a twin. I grew up in an Italian Catholic household. My parents are not addicts or alcoholics, however they still had all the same behaviors, and so to me, I thought it was normal. Everything was picture perfect on the outside but on the inside everything was chaotic. From the age of 7 until 14, I was sexually molested by my older brother and paternal grandfather; Which at the time I didn't know was wrong. I knew it didn't feel right, but thought that was what everyone did, so I never said anything. By the time I was 8 I was self mutilating. I didn't know why I was doing that at the time, I just knew it felt better than everything else. I went through the motions of activing like a happy child, when really, I was dying inside - in silence. 

I went through school and partied on the weekends like any other normal teenager, till I found myself in the woods huffing, but not thinking I had a problem. I graduated high school and wanted to go into the military, but because I messed my knee up playing field hockey that was no longer an option. So I joined the Fire Department. I knew as a child I wanted to lead a life of service and to help others. I rose pretty quickly in a man's world. When 9/11/01 happened we got called upon to report to NYC. Our orders were to report to the staging area across the river, and that we would help with fire and EMS in the lower Manhattan area. I was a rescue tech on NJTF1, which is a urban search and rescue team. We got called upon while at the staging area and I would reamin at ground zero for 4 weeks - searching - but found no one viable. It was at that time I realized we had to play God - it was up to us who lived and died, and as a 20 year old, it was an extremely heavy burden to carry. When someone is begging you to save their life and you can't, it changes you. 

At 25 I met my husband and we had a son, who is the light of my life! But sadly, not even my love for him could save me. I was a very large girl weighing 300 pounds. I was pre diabetic, hypertensive and just overall, not healthy. I decided to get gastric bypass surgery which I would later come to find, was the worst mistake of my life. After that surgery I traded cupcakes for percocet and I could not stop. I lost drastic weight and ended up at 85 pounds dying from malnutrition. When I ran out of pain meds a 'friend' gave me something in my picc line which was the 'big H'. I did not enjoy it said, "I cant do that". I stuck with that decision...until the next day when I found I needed more and more and more. This continued for 10 years. 

I still worked my job and felt I was the ultimate hypocrit. I would narcan people at work then shoot up when I got home. After my addiction had gotten really bad, I ended up quitting my job after 20 years and left it all, 'cause I just didn't wanna hurt anyone. I had never thought that I had a problem at all because I was, for a really long time, the functional addict. I believed all the lies I would tell myself, as well as those my disease said to me. Ultimately addiction caused me to love Heroin more than my husband, my son, my family and myself. I would do practically anything to get it. It was just always there for me...no matter what. 

In the summer of 2018 I was held hostage for 4 days by my drug dealer at gun point, chained to a table like an animal, while I was voliated and raped for 4 days - absolutely dehumanized and ultimately I was shot. I don't remember how I got away ~ but I did. When I got to my car where I could use my phone, I found that not one person had called...not even my mom who I talked to everyday. They were all just simply tired of my shit and were waiting to get that phone call that I was dead. It was at that moment, I realized I needed to take a break and stop using for a while. I knew nothing about recovery, so I thought it was use drugs or death.

Thankfully, I got help from my mom and was set up to go to Florida for detox. I got on a plane the very next day. When I threw out my paraphernalia I actually cried...it was like saying good bye to an old friend at the time, though I thought was just going to be for a while. When I landed in Florida, I was withdrawing really bad and was so sick in my mind that I asked the man who picked me up, (who was from the detox program I was going to), to take me to a dealer. Ultimately, my plan was to do 30 days and then go back home to continue to use. I ended up spending 77 days in treatment and I took the suggestion to keep on and I absolutely fought tooth and nail to stay in florida. I ended up going to a half way house, that I knew nothing about and at one point found myself walking down the highway crying, not knowing what to do with my life off drugs. 

It was at that time, I gave myself two options: to either use drugs again or jump in front of a truck. Well, the good news is...I stayed clean for 8 months that time. BUT...I thought I knew what was best for me and I didn't get a sponsor or work the steps because...'I knew it all'. I was really a huge asshole. Well, needless to say ~ I used again! When I went back to treatment then next time, they believed I had had a stroke and so I was sent to the hospital, where they found a malformation in my brain, that came from 9/11 and 20 years of fighting fire. I had experienced symptoms for years, but blamed them on the drugs. So, July 2019 I had brain surgery.  Three weeks after that, I got word from my sister that my mom was in the hospital and a day later, I was on a one way flight back to Jersey to be with my mom and family. I was there two days and my mom passed away. Which was my biggest fear and biggest reservation, but I didn't use and I came back to Florida. 

I was in a fog for weeks. The world no longer spins right without my mom in it.  To this day I miss her. The whole year of 2019 I had four brain surgeries and a stroke. At the time of my stroke, the Dr. said he didn't know if I would make it through the surgery...but I did!  I went through a lot of detox because my dr didn't want me to end up going back out, because I was on some heavy pain meds. I lived homeless and clean for a while, but then used again. I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life on and off drugs and in and out of treatment. I've really met some amazing people on this three year journey. In 2020 I did alot of stupid things and one was trying to kill myself because I just didn't see a way out. My last relapse was really bad I didn't think it could get worse...but it did. I don't even remember two weeks of my life, but ended up back at detox yet again, really not knowing how I got there. At that time my soul was dead...I was just utterly dead inside. 

When I got out of treatment I went into sober living. This time felt different...it wasn't a decision not to use, but rather a feeling that I had, that 'I have had enough'. The pain had just gotten to be too much. What I did was, I listened... I got a sponsor and I started to honestly work the steps for once. In fact, I didn't change just one thing ~ I changed everything. I have met some people in this journey that will be with me forever! I put one foot in front of the other and just simply did the next right thing. At the sober house I was at, the manager position opened up and I was asked if I would like to do it...and so I did...and for the first time in a long time, I had purpose and was helping people again ~ just in a different capacity. I celebrated a year on 11/11/21. 

This year, yet challenging at times and so hard ~ I just wanted to give up ~ but I didn't! I surrounded myself with strong sober women and they showed me the way! Working with a sponsor and doing steps is the absolute way to freedom! I now am the Operations Manager for my sober living community and have people in my life that truly care about me. In fact, they surprised me and all my girls that I live with, by putting their money together, and flew my sister and my son here so they could celebrate my anniversary with me!! I am eternally grateful for the people I have in my life today. Without true recovery there would be no story to tell. It took me 3yrs to get this year, but I'm grateful for the struggles I have had  because I wouldn't be me today without them. I'm excited to see what year two will bring, but I live in the moment most of the time 'cause that is what works for me.

 Hope you all stay blessed...

Stephanie Dixon

THE INFINITE

I awoke this morning to my alarm going off with its irritating, "BEEP!..BEEP!..BEEP!", as my arm spastically felt its way in a blind effort to hit the snooze for now the THIRD time. Rolling over and looking at the clock, I found that I now had approximately 35 minutes to get cleaned up, dressed, get the house put together, take care of our dog Zeke and get on the road to work. Jolting up, I turned on the TV as I began my hurried routing, and that's when I heard it -- "Today marks the anniversary of 9/11". For just those first few minutes upon awakening, I'd not remembered. I topped what I was doing, (as my mind began to set aside the trivial issues of the morning), and grasped that quite literally, thousands upon thousands of people knew EXACTLY what today was the MOMENT that they awoke this morning: It was a day that they lost someone they loved - It was a day they witnessed something first hand, that changed them forever - It was a day they survived something that so many others didn't - It was a day they risked everything for their fellow man. Sitting down a moment, as the gravity of it all sank into my consciousness; I could only pray for them to be comforted and strengthened on this day of memorial. 

Certainly everyone was impacted by what happened in this nation September 11, 2001. I don't know anyone who doesn't remember exactly where they were the moment they became aware that passenger airliners were flying or had flown into the World Trade Center - Towers I and II; into the Pentagon; and into a field in Shanksville, PA.

I was in my hotel room by Mobile Bay, in Mobile, AL, having just gotten out of the shower and drying my hair, when I saw on the television screen, a plane flying into the World Trade Center. I recall initially thinking it was a movie preview and slowly realizing that what I was seeing was real. Turning up the sound, I sat on the corner of the bed and listened, as they new anchor, (fighting how own emotion), attempted to articulate what was happening in live time. At that point both towers had been hit. I called family and then went to the lobby of the hotel; as I could not stand to watch what was unfolding alone. 

Walking towards the lobby I saw about 15 military personnel talking to staff at the front desk and then I saw to my right, a group of people around a television, where I went to watch, what in a few moments would be the greatest tragedy I ever witnessed until then, unfold. As the towers collapsed, I remember my ears ringing and I could hear my own crying, (as if distanced from myself), and then, (like the volume being turned back up), became aware of the cries and gasps of those around me. What I recall most is that no one was really talking, but rather, total strangers were weeping and simply embracing one another.

I came to realize that what happened in the hotel lobby that morning, was that all of us were being confronted with something infinite and trying to grasp it with a finite mind. We were witnessing true evil, darkness and depravity on a scale, (that likely in the lifetime of those present), had never been experienced before. I have found that a natural impulsive response to such senselessly vile acts is to attempt to understand it with the use of our intellect. The truth is however, our intellect can only go so far in the search for such understanding - but can certainly never fully comprehend the acts of that day or of any other kind of depraved indifference that we see in our world today.

With access to news, information and images 24/7 it is easy to bombard ourselves with this infinite darkness, which makes way and opens the door to feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiousness, anger and sadness that often lead to a skewed view of the world, our lives and our future.

The truth is though...this is only the darker side of something infinite, because there is another Infinite that is so much greater and so much MORE powerful - which is an Infinite God. What do I mean by that? The infiniteness of: Love - which can be seen immediately in the eyes of parents as they bring their little ones into the world and see them for the first time, being filled with an awareness that nothing will EVER matter more to them than this precious little life; Forgiveness - which defies all logic in its ability to truly move beyond circumstances and acts which would seem impossible, if not unfathomable; Hope - which is the miracle of it! It is what allows the human spirit to prevail through circumstances beyond comprehension, enabling them to rise above and not be bound or held down by them.

The greatest darkness can be dispelled in an INSTANT by the tiniest amount of light; The deepest resentment can be annihilated with the smallest step towards forgiveness; The loneliest moment of hopelessness, can vanish with one small word of encouragement! I think today it behooves us to remember that everyday...ALL DAY...we are surrounded by, and have access to, the Infinate - Who will always provide unlimited peace, hope and restoration with as little as one spoken request.

(c) 2014-2021 Rebecca Balko