My Name Is Melissa

 

Photo by Bruno Kelzer on Unsplash

My name is Melissa and I am an alcoholic and addict. I am 41 years old and am sober here in Florida over 6 months as of, October 14th, but it hasn't been easy and now I am learning a new way to live. 

So to tell you a little about myself I grew up in normal household: Mom, Dad and  an older brother. NOTHING with my up bringing has anything to do with why, at a young age - about fifteen, I started smoking cigarettes. It was because of peer pressure and then smoking weed, just to be cool and fit in. Normal teenager things I guess, but I always felt like I had a lot of energy and thought a little different - I just had a unique or imaginative mind. Then over the years I experimented with prescription medication that people would have, and then alcohol. In high school I was an OK student and was a star athlete, so it wasn't ok to smoke or party. 

My drinking progressed over the years and I started getting arrested for things. My first time in rehab I was twenty-one and when I got arrested the bail bondsman said, "Maybe go get a pyschiatric evaluation", so I went into a 'hospital type' stay for about a month. That is when the doctors diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. So I was a dual diagnosed person, and back home in New Hampshire, where they didn't have recovery like they do here in Florida. For a few years I was ok, 'I thought', but I was just a functional alcoholic and drug addict: I would go to work, had my own apartment and a car. I eventually got a DUI and that was rough. My dad always said your license is a privilege. I had to do drunk driving school, pay fines and still try to get to work. That made me stay sober for a little while and I got through it thank God. 

I maintained for a while, but I hate to say, it didn't last long, because then for about 13 years I got addicted to cocaine and drank alone. I did not go out much to the bars and isolated alone in my studio apartment. Very sad. My addiction progressed every day, drinking and drugging heavy, and at times I did not feel like my life was much worth living. I was hibernating, not talking to my family,  missing holidays - which was not like me at all - and barely showing up to work. I had gained 100 lbs from drinking beer and eating. If I wasn't doing that, I was sleeping, so I then started having medical problems arise from alcohol and  other things. On April 13, 2021 I just had enough. On Facebook I saw a number and called it for addiction and next thing I remember I was at the airport getting on a plane to come to treatment for the 5th time. Best decision I ever made for myself! 

Mandala Healing Center is where  I detoxed and stayed  in the program for residential twenty-four days. Then I went from Mandala Healing Center to Boca Recovery for PHP and stayed there seventeen days, but for medical reasons got transfered to Northlake and finally AION Recovery. I did three months IOP and am now doing OP there at this present time. I am living in a sober house and am very active in my recovery and meetings, I am working the 12 steps with a sponsor for the first time - because I have tried the meetings before back home - but I never stuck with it or even attempted to get a sponsor or work the program. I volunteer at Recovery Church, which is another fellowship with sober support. I get phone lists at meetings and reach out to people who will help me through this recovery process. I read daily reflections every morning to start my day and look to my Higher Power, who is God. I pray and when I feel like I'm struggling, I  go to a meeting, call someone and say " Let Go Let GOD " three times and breathe - and it usually passes and I get through my day. 

Not every day is easy and I do have rough days, but I try to make the best of it with the tools I have learned in these programs. I am very Blessed and Gratful for the recovery I have here in FLorida. The fellowship is everywhere, so I know that I can always find a meeting and there are zoom meetings and phone apps to! 

Thank You very much for letting  me tell my story.

IS THAT THE SOUND...OF THE HOLIDAYS?!!

Can you feel it? Temperatures dropping as the fall winds usher in our winter season ~ The faint aroma of chimney smoke as it escapes into the night air; Sweaters being retrieved from summer hibernation, with their soft and encompassing warmth; Snuggling up to the one you love with popcorn and a soft blanket for a night of movies; The wafting smell of hot cocoa as it rests between your hands causing your senses to anticipate that warm chocolate heaven rolling across your pallet; Enjoying the feeling of being completely enveloped under a billowy down comforter which escorts one into a blissful nights sleep; The joy of a favorite winter chili or stew which never fails to provide a lingering warmth in the belly; or the excitement of college football and anticipation of the playoffs drawing closer still… Yes, these are but a few of the experiences we all have in one form or another, igniting in our conscious minds a reminder that the holiday season is drawing ever near. 

For some, this leads to a sense of joy, excitement and anticipation – while for others it evokes feelings of anxiety, guilt or remorse due to the memory of holidays past where active addiction/alcoholism may have caused undo pain and ruin for those whom we love and have held most dear. This pain can cause feelings of loneliness, hopelessness or even relapse. But no matter what feelings or circumstances are being experienced as the approaching holidays arrive ~ for ALL of us a genuine gladness and gratitude can be embraced. Feelings of loneliness being replaced with connectedness; hopelessness being replaced instead with hopefulness; and feelings of relapse being replaced with the miracle of life and recovery. One might ask, “How is gladness and gratitude possible in the midst of such struggles?” Well, we need only look at the immediate blessings that exist before us:

Let’s start with the good news that this is a NEW season ~~ the years past are just that, “season’s gone by”. Recovery, (as in life), affords us the opportunity to have a “do over” or to “start a new”. The past holiday season could have been absolutely terrible…but that was last year. THIS is a new day and can truly be the beginning of fresh and wonderful memories! Some may ask, “How can I be happy because I am not even with my family now” or “I don’t have my home anymore” or “I have lost my job” or “I can’t buy gifts for everyone”. This does not mean that this season can’t be filled with beautiful and lasting memories. Gratitude is ALWAYS a good way to kick start ourselves into a different direction. Let’s look at a few of the things we can say we are grateful for today:

            1.          I am clean and sober!

2.      I belong to a fellowship of great people, many of whom are now dear friends. (Some might say, “I don’t know anybody that well yet, how do I know I won’t stay lonely? How do I know I will get close to people?) Because if we are clean/sober and are practicing a program of recovery we find that we are NEVER alone again

3.       I have literally YEARS ahead of me – things WILL get better! (How do I know that?)  Because NOTHING stays the same forever. If things are bad…they logically have to get better. While in ourselves we are limited and finite…we belong to a God that is infinite and limitless.

Another area of gratitude to motivate those of us who have survived so much already….We are ALIVE! It is the easiest of blessings to take for granted. I need only go out into the cool night air – feeling the breeze blowing through my hair and against my face, gazing upon the moon and stars as they cast their subtle light upon me, breathing in through my nostrils the coolness of night and hearing the earth as it gives way beneath my feat as I take in my surroundings on a late night stroll. It is in this moment that my mind becomes profoundly aware of the greatest gift, the most tremendous of blessings, causing my heart and mind cry out to my God ~ “Thank you that I am alive!”

Recovery has some important principles to it that deserve application during the holiday season. One of the most important truths we learn in recovery is that “feelings” don’t keep us clean nor do they contribute in anyway to the growth and strengthening of my spiritual condition. The only thing that does this is A C T I O N! We know the “actions” that keep us growing in our recovery are things like, step work, sponsorship, prayer and service work. Well this principle of action is a guaranteed successful tool in not only “surviving the holidays”…but quite literally making them the BEST EVER! A principle we learn in early recovery is that “self” is the root of our problems and that “selflessness” is where our solution can be found. Well, you know the saying, “We keep what we have by giving it away?” Along those same lines there is another principle I have found to be true – “To get what we’ve never gotten or to get back what we lost along the way, (perhaps hope, joy, peace, sanity or maintained recovery through the holidays) ~ we have only to get out of ourselves and try something new!!! 

Here are some suggestions for staying clean & sober AND making this the BEST holiday season EVER!

1.   Stay in close communication with your    sponsor - (daily if needed)

2.   Volunteer for service work in your home group or within the recovery community, for meetings and events being held through the holidays.

3.   Be sure to have a listing of no less than 5 people with strong recovery time, and their contact information, to be able to reach out any time you may need them.

4.    Provide YOUR number to at least ONE person who is "newer than you" that might need support during the holidays, so that you can be there for them!

5.    Find out what events and needs Mandala Healing Center has, that you can get involved in and be of service to the patients at the property AND in the private Mandala Alumni FB Group

6.  Reach out to your Mandala Alumni Family in the Facebook Group; Alumni ZOOM "Morning Coffee' Sat. 9am meeting; (OR) Text the Alumni Support Line for support and connection when needed!

7.    Strive daily to do a random act of kindness - whether it is for a friend or a total stranger. (If you do it in secret, never telling a sole - God will know ~ and that is truly a wonderful experience!)

8.    If you see a homeless person, smile at them...(they may have felt unnoticed for a long time)

9.    Along those same lines...If you see someone who is hungry or thirsty ~ bring them some food or water.

10.    Check out service opportunities where you can volunteer in your local community: A soup kitchen; Habitat for Humanity; The Angel Tree, (that provides toys for kids who won't have them otherwise) - Even if you can't afford to give you CAN afford to assist in volunteering to help gather the toys; or even figuring out your OWN charitable drive - like collecting sweaters, jackets or blankets to give tot he homeless on the streets.

11.    If you are lonely...rather than waiting for someone to invite you somewhere, (they may assume you have somewhere to be)...why don't YOU be the one to give the invite! To either go out as a group somewhere or to come to your place for pizza, popcorn and a movie! Perhaps in doing so, you will give someone else a brighter day!

12.    Leave a small gift for someone who serves you - perhaps a postal worker, gas station attendant, grocery store clerk, pastor or rabbi; perhaps a waiter or waitress where you frequently eat!

13.    Make a FULL gratitude list of quite literally EVERYTHING you can think of! (From sunlight, to water, your breath, the wind, sight, sound, a mind that still works, finger and toenails; etc...)

14.    On Hanukkah, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and/or New Year's Eve - Go to 12-step meetings and make a conscious effort to look for someone in need of support, then be the one who is there to offer YOUR hand to uplift that struggling member. ☺

15.    If you are REALLY having a hard time, (as we sometimes do), and find YOU can't pull  yourself out of the rut you are in...ask the God of your understanding to do for you what you can not do for yourself, by saying this: "God, please help me to see with Your eyes, hear with Your ears and love with Your heart today."

What a wondrous life! The opportunity for a fresh start to live again…not one that we “deserved”, but rather one that was freely given to us.  One of the most tremendous gifts I believe we have been given is in being blessed with KNOWING our “life’s purpose”…(at least one of them). A lot of people in this world go to the grave wondering why they were put on this earth in the first place and never getting that answer. WE know at least one incredible purpose! It is something that will lift me up and I can do anytime ~ and that is to be a vessel for my Higher Power and offer my hand to another sick and suffering addict/alcoholic sharing with them the solution I have found by way of my experience, strength and hope. How incredible is that?!! That someone like me with a medical prognosis at 19, that I needed to live in a group home, be put on disability and could never function independently – to being someone that the God of the Universe would actually use to provide hope, love joy and a working solution that would change the lives of the hopeless!
It is my most sincere and heart felt wish that this holiday season will be your very best. God bless you all!!!

 

©2009-2021 Rebecca Balko