My Name is Blue

 

Photo by Ivan Ragozin

My name is Blue and I’m an addict and alcoholic. Everyone calls me Blue mainly because my hair is blue ~ LOL. I was born and raised in a small island called Treasure Island Florida. My parents were well off and I grew up in a good household. We lived on the water ~ had a pool, a hot tub and a boat. We were always out on the boat every weekend fishing, diving or just partying on some of the islands out in the Gulf. I thought this was normal. This is how everyone was raised. My parents had parties at their house almost every weekend. Alcohol was everywhere. I remember learning how to mix drinks when I was 7 years old. I was very involved in swimming. I joined my first swim team at age 4. I practiced all the time and eventually I qualified for the Junior Olympics. One of my favorite things to do was when we went out on the boat and my parents went diving, I would wait on the front of the boat for my dad's bubbles to come up the anchor line. When I saw him I would fly off the boat and swim about 15 feet down to meet him and breath off his respiratory. I was about 5 when I started this. I also was very much into art and at 10 I started to teach myself how to play the guitar.

When I was 6 my parents allowed my great uncle to babysit me and my younger brother. My uncle raped and molested me for 3 years. At age 7 I had my first drink. It was exactly what I was looking for. Something to numb the emotional pain I was feeling. By the time I was 11 I had to have surgery on my leg because of a cyst that formed and became very painful. I was put on pain meds and absolutely fell in love. Those pills did for me what I could not do for myself.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya

There is a park by my parents’ house that I hung out at all the time. I would draw or practice my guitar. I wound up meeting these kids who were a lot older than me. They were 18 to 21. They introduced me to pot and cocaine. I became able to socialize in ways I never could imagine. I could talk to people and laugh and have fun. I thought I was important. One of those guys, who was 21, took advantage of me by raping and beating me so badly that I spent months in the hospital with broken bones and internal bleeding. He even fractured my back. I was an emotional wreak. Not long after I turned 12 one of those older boys got me hooked on heroin. He shot me up and then showed me how to do it. I thought I had found the love of my life. It numbed everything I wanted to be numb. I no longer had to feel those feelings anymore. I no longer had to be alone with myself and my own thoughts. I found my best friend. I found my way over the next couple of years to many other drugs and occasionally alcohol.

At 15 I went from private school to public school. Although I was in a magnet program for visual arts. 100 people tried out and I was 1 of 6 that got accepted. I also started my first band. I played lead guitar and lead vocals. Through one of my shows I met Billy. I knew at this point in my life that I was gay but I also knew that my family wouldn't have been ok with that. So I forced myself to be with men. Billy I thought was the one guy who was going to change everything. And boy was I right just not in the way I thought.  Billy was extremely abusive. He

Photo by Louis Galvez

fed me drugs constantly which I did love. I was always high but even the drugs didn't make what he did to me bearable. He beat me and raped me every day for a year and a half. He allowed his friends to beat and rape me. He locked me in a dog cage. Normally naked. He would electrify the cage so if I touched it I would get shocked. Sometimes he would just put the wires right on me and leave it on long enough to burn my skin. He made me eat and drink out of dog bowls. I was not allowed to look anyone in the eyes. If I did I got punished badly. I had to kneel next to his chair in the living room like a pet and I always had to walk a step behind him. Sometimes he would keep me locked in the cage for weeks at a time. He would let me out and my legs would so bad I wouldn't be able to walk. He starved me and when I got away from him I weighed 87 pounds. He got arrested on a drug charge and my friends got me out of the house and hid me.

I bounced from friend’s house to friend’s house. Sometimes I slept on the streets. For a couple of months I got involved with another guy who was very controlling and abusive. But he wasn't anything like Billy, so I thought I was doing well. Only he forced me into prostitution. I did that for a couple of months until I got hooked up with a major drug dealer who lived 2 hours south of me. I started selling drugs in the clubs for him. I was selling about 1,500 x pills every weekend. Yet my addiction was so bad I had no profit. I owed him. I just kept running. One night, when I was 18, my very good friend Mitch and I, were walking to the store to get something to drink. It was a couple of blocks away from his apartment. On the way back, this

Photo by Kenny Eliason

car kept driving past us and turning around. The next thing I know I heard the gun shot and Mitch fell to the ground. He got hit in the head and died in my arms within minutes. I saw who shot him. It was the same man who raped and beat me when I was 11. I went to court and testified. He stood up when the verdict was read, ‘guilty’. He said, “I didn't mean to shoot him, I meant to shoot her” And he pointed right at me.

I couldn't take much more of this and I was afraid that Billy was getting closer to finding me. So I wrote a letter to my parents and I went home to give it to them. I had to apologize for everything I had done to them. I had stolen all of my mom's jewelry and pawned it. But they did get it back. I stole check books and credit cards. I stole cash and part of my dad’s coin collection. Anything I could pick up and get money for I took. Because the drugs didn't give me a choice. Two days later me, my parents and my uncle were on a plane to south Florida for me to go to rehab. I went to 2 rehabs and a couple of halfway houses. I stayed sober for about 2 years. I even sponsored a girl. But yet again I wound up with a guy who was controlling and abusive and who fed me drugs. I wound up moving back to home with him. I formed another band - lost the guy - still doing my art work. Trying to hold down a job. But the drugs don't really like my work schedule so it normally doesn't work out. I eventually get married. He too is abusive. More mentally. I got pregnant by him 7 times. I had 5 miscarriages and 2 stillborn. One at 6 months due to complications with the baby. And one at 7 months due my husband kicking me in the stomach. Later I get pregnant again by another man who I had known since I was 15. He was very controlling and very narcissistic. I stopped doing drugs. I wanted this baby so bad. I wanted the others too. But I knew I couldn't handle losing another one. The pregnancy was very hard. I was very high risk and on strict bed rest. I was not allowed to go into labor. If I did, with my complication, I would bled out and died before the baby was born. I had many episodes where I bled so bad I had to have a blood transfusion. (And on top of that, I have a rare blood type.) Eventually the doctor just had me stay in the hospital for the last month and a half of my pregnancy.

Photo by Christian Bowen

I had a C-section. My son was born with 4 holes in his heart. One was huge. He had open heart surgery at 7 months old. He is perfect. He had a patch on the big hole that will grow with his heart. He will see a cardiologist for the rest of his life. But he has no restrictions. And he is 10 years old now. His name is Jax. He is named after one of my friends - Jack, who helped me get away from Billy. Jack unfortunately passed away from an overdose before Jax was born. I started drinking. However, I did drink while I was pregnant for 2 days straight. But now I’m drinking every day nonstop. One day i decided to quit. I knew all about withdrawals from drugs. I kicked heroin and Benzos. But I had no idea you could withdraw from alcohol. My third day sober I had a grand mal seizure in the middle of Toys-R-Us. I spent about 5 days in the hospital. I was hallucinating. I was asking the nurse what the people on the walls were saying. Yet in the cab on my way home I stopped at the liquor store. Because that's my addiction. It knows no bounds.

 I got engaged to another guy I knew since I was 15. He was crazy obsessed with me. I got a job at Toys-R-Us so we could get an apartment together. He became homeless when his aunt decided to sell her house. He didn't like that I was working so much. But this was towards the end of November at a toy store. It was very busy. And I was hired as seasonal. I wanted them to make me preeminent. So I did what they asked, I came in early, stayed later and came in on my days off. He just got jealous and started showing up at my work or my parents’ house. 

Photo by Felipe Furtado

One day he showed up at work and waited for me to get there. My parents dropped me off in the parking lot. I didn't see him at first. My parents left and he wound up cornering me up against his car. One of my managers was outside and saw this. He hit me knocking me to the ground. He took my left hand and slammed it in the car door repeatedly fracturing all of my fingers in multiple places. Sad to say I am no longer able to play the guitar. And I played for 23 years. Almost every relationship I was in was abusive in some way. I wanted attention and negative attention is what I got. I would force myself to be with men. So I would get really drunk and high and meet random men I met on an online dating site. Sometimes I would bring them to my parents’ house. But most if the time it was hotels.

Photo by Joel Muniz

I was in 29 rehabs from the age of 19 to 41. I wouldn't talk about my trauma. They ask, what I’m going to do different this time. Because if nothing changes then nothing changes. This time I talk openly about my trauma. The more I talk about it the less power it has over me. I get uncomfortable to get comfortable. I don't like raising my hand and talking in meetings but I forces myself to. I raised my hand, said my name and said that I need help getting to meetings. I got lots of phone numbers. And I call and text those people. Even if it's just to say, “Hi”. I have a big group of women in my life who would do anything to help me. I had a living situation problem and these women came together and got everything fixed for me. It's amazing. I have a sponsor. I do exactly what she suggests. I did everything my addiction told me to do so I can do everything my recovery tells me to do. I have a relationship with my higher power. I pray to him every day. I don't pray for things like money. I pray for his guidance and his will. And when I’m feeling stressed I pray to him and I have this peace that comes over me. It's amazing. I do service work. I have a home group and

Photo by Brett Jordan

I volunteer to do things like making the coffee or hand out the raffle tickets.  I help women who are getting out of rehab find a sober living house to go to. I also help people who are struggling get into detox. If a hand is reaching out to me I’m going to grab it and pull that person up. It's so important to get a sponsor, get a home group, do service work and raise your hand in meetings, introduce yourself. Get those phone numbers and use them. There are some incredible women and men out there in the rooms. And you calling them is helping them too. It helps me when I help another addict.

Photo by Adrian Moise

Today I have a close relationship with my son. He lives with his father 2 hours north of my parents. My parents get him every other weekend. I have a job I never thought I could get. But I applied and got hired. I took a class for a state insurance license and I passed. It was very hard. If I was in my addiction I would not have passed that. I work from home, so when I save up enough money I’m going to move back to St. Petersburg and I can take my job with me. I can't wait to be closer to my son so I can start seeing him in person again. I work hard on my recovery today because I want to live a clean and sober life. And those promises that the Big Book talks about will come true for all of you if you just stick with it and do what is suggested. They are coming true for me every day.
I have a relationship with my parents. I didn't before this. My mom didn't talk to me for 2 years. The most I heard her say in the backyard when I called my dad was that: ‘I was a bitch’; ‘I was no better than the trash in her garbage can’; and that ‘I ruined her life’. Now she tells me that she loves me unconditionally. And she has never in my life told me she loved me. I needed to borrow money and she actually lent it to me with no problems. I asked and she said yes. Before she wouldn't even give me $5. Things will get better for all of you. Just remember that you're fighting for your life and your will to live. I hope my story can help at least one person. Thank you all for allowing me to tell my story. 

ENDLESS

 

Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash

I'm getting sober

I'm getting older

Said goodbye to drugs

Now I'm finally getting closure

Been through the storm

I've been reborn

Put the pieces back together 

When my life was torn

Met a girl named cocaine

I got hooked 

Had no brain

Thought that I had known pain

That bitch drove me insane

Let's just keep it real

We all know that crack kills

To say her name gives me the chills

Left no money for my Bill's

I'm ready to tell you to fuck off

Forget the hard forget the soft

And alcohol fuck you too

You never did cure my blues

I'm finally sober

Drug days are over

I want you to hear me 

so I'll say it even slower

I'm finally sober

My drug days are over

And my heart goes out 

To anyone that's known ever her

Numb the pain but fix things not

Will to change can help alot

No I wont even smoke pot

Must bring my brain back from the rot

My past taught me lessons 

for this I'm grateful

Wont hold onto resentments

I'm no longer hateful

Thank you to my higher power

I call her god

I'd be lost without her

Just remember your not alone 

Find a meeting to call your home 

One day at a time

It really works not just a rhyme

By: Torre Blakney

FALLEN HEROES NEVER DIE

 

Photo by Lerone Pieters on Unsplash

I like to start by qualifying ~ my clean date is 11/11/20. I was born and raised in South Jersey, I'm 1 of 4 children and I am a twin. I grew up in an Italian Catholic household. My parents are not addicts or alcoholics, however they still had all the same behaviors, and so to me, I thought it was normal. Everything was picture perfect on the outside but on the inside everything was chaotic. From the age of 7 until 14, I was sexually molested by my older brother and paternal grandfather; Which at the time I didn't know was wrong. I knew it didn't feel right, but thought that was what everyone did, so I never said anything. By the time I was 8 I was self mutilating. I didn't know why I was doing that at the time, I just knew it felt better than everything else. I went through the motions of activing like a happy child, when really, I was dying inside - in silence. 

I went through school and partied on the weekends like any other normal teenager, till I found myself in the woods huffing, but not thinking I had a problem. I graduated high school and wanted to go into the military, but because I messed my knee up playing field hockey that was no longer an option. So I joined the Fire Department. I knew as a child I wanted to lead a life of service and to help others. I rose pretty quickly in a man's world. When 9/11/01 happened we got called upon to report to NYC. Our orders were to report to the staging area across the river, and that we would help with fire and EMS in the lower Manhattan area. I was a rescue tech on NJTF1, which is a urban search and rescue team. We got called upon while at the staging area and I would reamin at ground zero for 4 weeks - searching - but found no one viable. It was at that time I realized we had to play God - it was up to us who lived and died, and as a 20 year old, it was an extremely heavy burden to carry. When someone is begging you to save their life and you can't, it changes you. 

At 25 I met my husband and we had a son, who is the light of my life! But sadly, not even my love for him could save me. I was a very large girl weighing 300 pounds. I was pre diabetic, hypertensive and just overall, not healthy. I decided to get gastric bypass surgery which I would later come to find, was the worst mistake of my life. After that surgery I traded cupcakes for percocet and I could not stop. I lost drastic weight and ended up at 85 pounds dying from malnutrition. When I ran out of pain meds a 'friend' gave me something in my picc line which was the 'big H'. I did not enjoy it said, "I cant do that". I stuck with that decision...until the next day when I found I needed more and more and more. This continued for 10 years. 

I still worked my job and felt I was the ultimate hypocrit. I would narcan people at work then shoot up when I got home. After my addiction had gotten really bad, I ended up quitting my job after 20 years and left it all, 'cause I just didn't wanna hurt anyone. I had never thought that I had a problem at all because I was, for a really long time, the functional addict. I believed all the lies I would tell myself, as well as those my disease said to me. Ultimately addiction caused me to love Heroin more than my husband, my son, my family and myself. I would do practically anything to get it. It was just always there for me...no matter what. 

In the summer of 2018 I was held hostage for 4 days by my drug dealer at gun point, chained to a table like an animal, while I was voliated and raped for 4 days - absolutely dehumanized and ultimately I was shot. I don't remember how I got away ~ but I did. When I got to my car where I could use my phone, I found that not one person had called...not even my mom who I talked to everyday. They were all just simply tired of my shit and were waiting to get that phone call that I was dead. It was at that moment, I realized I needed to take a break and stop using for a while. I knew nothing about recovery, so I thought it was use drugs or death.

Thankfully, I got help from my mom and was set up to go to Florida for detox. I got on a plane the very next day. When I threw out my paraphernalia I actually cried...it was like saying good bye to an old friend at the time, though I thought was just going to be for a while. When I landed in Florida, I was withdrawing really bad and was so sick in my mind that I asked the man who picked me up, (who was from the detox program I was going to), to take me to a dealer. Ultimately, my plan was to do 30 days and then go back home to continue to use. I ended up spending 77 days in treatment and I took the suggestion to keep on and I absolutely fought tooth and nail to stay in florida. I ended up going to a half way house, that I knew nothing about and at one point found myself walking down the highway crying, not knowing what to do with my life off drugs. 

It was at that time, I gave myself two options: to either use drugs again or jump in front of a truck. Well, the good news is...I stayed clean for 8 months that time. BUT...I thought I knew what was best for me and I didn't get a sponsor or work the steps because...'I knew it all'. I was really a huge asshole. Well, needless to say ~ I used again! When I went back to treatment then next time, they believed I had had a stroke and so I was sent to the hospital, where they found a malformation in my brain, that came from 9/11 and 20 years of fighting fire. I had experienced symptoms for years, but blamed them on the drugs. So, July 2019 I had brain surgery.  Three weeks after that, I got word from my sister that my mom was in the hospital and a day later, I was on a one way flight back to Jersey to be with my mom and family. I was there two days and my mom passed away. Which was my biggest fear and biggest reservation, but I didn't use and I came back to Florida. 

I was in a fog for weeks. The world no longer spins right without my mom in it.  To this day I miss her. The whole year of 2019 I had four brain surgeries and a stroke. At the time of my stroke, the Dr. said he didn't know if I would make it through the surgery...but I did!  I went through a lot of detox because my dr didn't want me to end up going back out, because I was on some heavy pain meds. I lived homeless and clean for a while, but then used again. I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life on and off drugs and in and out of treatment. I've really met some amazing people on this three year journey. In 2020 I did alot of stupid things and one was trying to kill myself because I just didn't see a way out. My last relapse was really bad I didn't think it could get worse...but it did. I don't even remember two weeks of my life, but ended up back at detox yet again, really not knowing how I got there. At that time my soul was dead...I was just utterly dead inside. 

When I got out of treatment I went into sober living. This time felt different...it wasn't a decision not to use, but rather a feeling that I had, that 'I have had enough'. The pain had just gotten to be too much. What I did was, I listened... I got a sponsor and I started to honestly work the steps for once. In fact, I didn't change just one thing ~ I changed everything. I have met some people in this journey that will be with me forever! I put one foot in front of the other and just simply did the next right thing. At the sober house I was at, the manager position opened up and I was asked if I would like to do it...and so I did...and for the first time in a long time, I had purpose and was helping people again ~ just in a different capacity. I celebrated a year on 11/11/21. 

This year, yet challenging at times and so hard ~ I just wanted to give up ~ but I didn't! I surrounded myself with strong sober women and they showed me the way! Working with a sponsor and doing steps is the absolute way to freedom! I now am the Operations Manager for my sober living community and have people in my life that truly care about me. In fact, they surprised me and all my girls that I live with, by putting their money together, and flew my sister and my son here so they could celebrate my anniversary with me!! I am eternally grateful for the people I have in my life today. Without true recovery there would be no story to tell. It took me 3yrs to get this year, but I'm grateful for the struggles I have had  because I wouldn't be me today without them. I'm excited to see what year two will bring, but I live in the moment most of the time 'cause that is what works for me.

 Hope you all stay blessed...

Stephanie Dixon