THE INFINITE

I awoke this morning to my alarm going off with its irritating, "BEEP!..BEEP!..BEEP!", as my arm spastically felt its way in a blind effort to hit the snooze for now the THIRD time. Rolling over and looking at the clock, I found that I now had approximately 35 minutes to get cleaned up, dressed, get the house put together, take care of our dog Zeke and get on the road to work. Jolting up, I turned on the TV as I began my hurried routing, and that's when I heard it -- "Today marks the anniversary of 9/11". For just those first few minutes upon awakening, I'd not remembered. I topped what I was doing, (as my mind began to set aside the trivial issues of the morning), and grasped that quite literally, thousands upon thousands of people knew EXACTLY what today was the MOMENT that they awoke this morning: It was a day that they lost someone they loved - It was a day they witnessed something first hand, that changed them forever - It was a day they survived something that so many others didn't - It was a day they risked everything for their fellow man. Sitting down a moment, as the gravity of it all sank into my consciousness; I could only pray for them to be comforted and strengthened on this day of memorial. 

Certainly everyone was impacted by what happened in this nation September 11, 2001. I don't know anyone who doesn't remember exactly where they were the moment they became aware that passenger airliners were flying or had flown into the World Trade Center - Towers I and II; into the Pentagon; and into a field in Shanksville, PA.

I was in my hotel room by Mobile Bay, in Mobile, AL, having just gotten out of the shower and drying my hair, when I saw on the television screen, a plane flying into the World Trade Center. I recall initially thinking it was a movie preview and slowly realizing that what I was seeing was real. Turning up the sound, I sat on the corner of the bed and listened, as they new anchor, (fighting how own emotion), attempted to articulate what was happening in live time. At that point both towers had been hit. I called family and then went to the lobby of the hotel; as I could not stand to watch what was unfolding alone. 

Walking towards the lobby I saw about 15 military personnel talking to staff at the front desk and then I saw to my right, a group of people around a television, where I went to watch, what in a few moments would be the greatest tragedy I ever witnessed until then, unfold. As the towers collapsed, I remember my ears ringing and I could hear my own crying, (as if distanced from myself), and then, (like the volume being turned back up), became aware of the cries and gasps of those around me. What I recall most is that no one was really talking, but rather, total strangers were weeping and simply embracing one another.

I came to realize that what happened in the hotel lobby that morning, was that all of us were being confronted with something infinite and trying to grasp it with a finite mind. We were witnessing true evil, darkness and depravity on a scale, (that likely in the lifetime of those present), had never been experienced before. I have found that a natural impulsive response to such senselessly vile acts is to attempt to understand it with the use of our intellect. The truth is however, our intellect can only go so far in the search for such understanding - but can certainly never fully comprehend the acts of that day or of any other kind of depraved indifference that we see in our world today.

With access to news, information and images 24/7 it is easy to bombard ourselves with this infinite darkness, which makes way and opens the door to feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiousness, anger and sadness that often lead to a skewed view of the world, our lives and our future.

The truth is though...this is only the darker side of something infinite, because there is another Infinite that is so much greater and so much MORE powerful - which is an Infinite God. What do I mean by that? The infiniteness of: Love - which can be seen immediately in the eyes of parents as they bring their little ones into the world and see them for the first time, being filled with an awareness that nothing will EVER matter more to them than this precious little life; Forgiveness - which defies all logic in its ability to truly move beyond circumstances and acts which would seem impossible, if not unfathomable; Hope - which is the miracle of it! It is what allows the human spirit to prevail through circumstances beyond comprehension, enabling them to rise above and not be bound or held down by them.

The greatest darkness can be dispelled in an INSTANT by the tiniest amount of light; The deepest resentment can be annihilated with the smallest step towards forgiveness; The loneliest moment of hopelessness, can vanish with one small word of encouragement! I think today it behooves us to remember that everyday...ALL DAY...we are surrounded by, and have access to, the Infinate - Who will always provide unlimited peace, hope and restoration with as little as one spoken request.

(c) 2014-2021 Rebecca Balko

THE LIGHTHOUSE

The Lighthouse has been the subject of poems, songs, legends and movies. The first recorded lighthouse was the Pharaohs lighthouse in Alexandria Egypt. It was built approximately 280BC and was more than 450ft tall. It had a giant Poseidon, (Greek god of the sea), at the top where a huge bonfire was lit each night and was visible from more than 30 miles away. It was so big that it was named one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. This tower was used more than 1,500 years before it was destroyed by an earthquake in 1303AD. The earliest known written reference to a lighthouse is found in the Greek epic “The Iliad” dating back to 1200 BC, where descriptions are given about a forerunner of the lighthouse proper - beacon fires - which were kindled high upon hilltops.

The main purpose of the lighthouse has always been to provide a signal - Warning mariners to steer, (while they are in a dense fog or dark nights), away from cliffs, land, shorelines, coral reefs and other hazardous areas. The means by which these lighthouses can be identified is that they are different shapes and sizes, as well as being painted with different paint schemes. In addition to this, each lighthouse displays a light pattern that is unique from all the others in the area. This leads us to the second purpose for the lighthouse, which is to provide navigation, allowing mariners to know where they are in relation to the land mass that they are approaching or adjacent to. (Example: If a mariner sees a tall lighthouse with black and white stripes that are spiraled from the top down, then they know they are off the North Carolina coast town of Buxton and they are passing Diamond Shoals.) The third and final purpose of the lighthouse is to enable mariners to know how fast they are going. This is done by knowing how far apart the lighthouses are and measuring their speed by the time it takes to pass each one.

All lighthouses have the above mentioned in common, likewise the different parts that make them up are nearly identical in design all around the globe and they are as follows: A beacon (light) at the top which is in a large room with many windows (lantern room); A service room (which stores supplies); A watch room (where the keeper can watch from at night); A gallery deck; A lightning rod and a ball vent at the very top (to allow heat to escape). The other commonality is that all lighthouses are built to be sturdy and on a strong foundation, so that they will be able to withstand the elements and continue to shine brightly throughout any storm. Lighthouses continue to serve as symbols of hope to this day.

Interesting in how much something like a lighthouse can relate to our lives. I mean, how many of us have had this experience? – People in our lives that provided direction, warning and guidance. Some of the people were located in specific places so that we knew the type of direction being offered, (such as teachers, religious leaders and coaches). Some people helped us to realize the direction we were heading in, (like family, friends, and counselors), and some of these people, (like a sponsor and even people who we did not even know), provided a light in the darkness giving us hope that we were not completely lost, nor adrift and alone. What would have become of us without these lighthouses placed in our lives? Surely we would have been more severely damaged, perhaps never making it out of that state of incomprehensible demoralization and perishing in a sea of hopelessness.

It is intriguing how much the rooms of recovery are similar to lighthouses along the shores and waterways. They come in all shapes and sizes – some are small, some large, some are located in churches while still others can be found in even the most obscure of locations. Yet there they stand, a beacon shining the light of hope - not restrained to serve only “some”, but rather to be available to serve all who desire direction. Just as every lighthouse has a keeper in the watch room, so to do the rooms of recovery – you will find those who are always there, watching for new faces to offer help, guidance and a safe place. There are the volunteers who take the calls of those who are often lost, at all hours of the night or day, offering the light of hope in what might be their darkest hour. We have our “service rooms” which store needed supplies, including literature which lays out clear cut paths that can enable us to avert the treacherous terrain that often lies just out of our field of vision – but has been seen by those who have traveled before us.

A Pulitzer Prize winner for Poetry in 1990, (Charles Simic), wrote this quote:

“Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships”

I scanned the internet, initially attempting to understand what Simic was referring to and finding no answer. I re-read it again, allowing myself the freedom to draw from it my own interpretation, so I will share what came to me:  Being an alcoholic no longer drinking, I began the process, (with the guidance and direction of my God and those whom He placed in my life), of building a lighthouse in my heart. While the rest of the world could go about its way creating and developing plans to build their proverbial ships, I would be building a lighthouse that would first require a firm foundation to be established. I had been given the opportunity to focus my attention on what I found to be of far greater value and importance…developing a relationship and reliance upon the God, (that beacon of light if you will), who would provide me with a sense of direction through all that would be seen and unseen in this life – so that when the day came to build my own ship, I would be able to have safe travels and enjoy the journey.

©2011-2022 Rebecca Balko

UNBREAKABLE

I know I'm not the only person that has ever reached a point of utter frustration or pitiful state of self-pity, that cried out,  "Why does this always happen to me!" Who has ever said, "It seems like every time things start going my way, something always has to happen!" It would be nice to say that this only happened "a long time ago" or "in my early days", because that would sound SO much better and like it was no longer a problem for me now. To say that however, wold be an utter and complete lie. The truth is, this line of thinking is one of the easiest places for my mind to turn when things don't go my way.

Many years ago, (around 1985), I lived at a Christian program for young women and had a wise preacher tell me, (after one of my more vocal rants), that going through difficult times was part of a process to make us stronger. Of course, being sober all of maybe 60 days and still walking around in a heavy mind fog, I responded with, "Huh?" What he would share next, would change my entire outlook on this aspect of life an remain with me to this very day, and that was:

"Have you ever bought one of those really cheap hammers? The ones which are so fragile, that if you hit a hard surface with enough for it would just break? The reason that happens is because the metal is full of impurities, which cause it to be or become easily fractured, ultimately resulting in a break. But there are the other really high dollar hammers and they will last a lifetime, (in fact they often come with that exact guarantee), and the reason for this is because they contain almost no impurities at all.

Impurities found in various metals are removed through a lengthy refining process, in which the blacksmith will "fire" the liquid metal, raising it to extremely high temperatures, causing impurities within it to raise to the surface, at which point those impurities will then be ladled off, removing them from the liquid metal and then allowing it to cool. Once cooled it will then be fired up again and this process will continue until the majority of all the impurities are out, resulting in a strong and unbreakable metal."

He went on to tell me: "This is what God does within us. He is the blacksmith and we are the metal ~ full of impurities/defects that cause us to be easily broken. The challenges in life are the fire, which bring up the weaknesses an character flaws, (impurities/defects), within us that cause us to be easily fractured. We are strengthened through this firing process, because in the end we will become strong and unbreakable."

Later in my life, when I learned about the 12-steps and how to apply them, I realized that what he had told me way back then was indeed the truth. In working these 12 principles, I am able to identify my defects of character, (that is...the weaknesses and/or things I don't like about myself), and my shortcomings, (which are...the areas in which I fall short of desirable and healthy qualities) - the very impurities that for so much of my life caused me to be easily wounded and broken.

I then have two options:

(1) Ask my Creator God, (my blacksmith), to remove them from me, and as a result of their removal, become through that experience, stronger in the knowledge that God is always with me and that whatever situation I'm in at that moment, (no matter how bad), "will pass!"

(2) I also have the option to ignore these defects and simply allow the to just settle back in...or better yet, try on my own strength to make them go away. Both of which I have done on more than one occasion and both of which resulted in nothing changing - remaining fractured and easily broken in those areas.

So, in my final assessment, I have found that the difficult times in which life has thrown, (and continues to throw), challenges my way; By using the principles I've learned, (which connect me to God), I will then have the ability to face and go through ANYTHING that comes my way. It affords me the opportunity to learn what my frailties are and allow God to remove them, ultimately resulting in becoming stronger and not so easily fractured.

Certainly I have not reached a point of rejoicing in the hardships that come along in life, but thankfully I have the knowledge, (which only comes through experience), that during the moments in life which most often produce feelings of confusion, pain and despair; I can look back upon those experiences with reassurance in the knowledge that things will be ok - that things will work out AND that this to shall pass.

(c) 2007-2021 Rebecca Balko

When Life Resembles 52 Card Pick Up!

“Our trip is already 700 miles - are we seriously adding another 400?”; “That movie was so good!”; “What’s her problem? OMG! She gets on my last freakin’ nerve!”; “Did you go to the bank?”; “I feel like I’m so alone!”; “How are we ever going to get all of this done?”; “Can you believe she is in college?”; “It seems like my life is flying by so fast.”; “I’m so proud of her.”; “Why am I here God?”

Sometimes life can feel like a game of 52 card pick up with a timer running, as we scramble through both our thoughts and actions in a seemingly vain attempt to keep up with, manage and make sense of it all. Our decks of cards can vary from finances, health, relationships, marriage, children, work and the day to day grind culminating in our: successes and failures; joys and sorrows; our certainties and uncertainties; and so on. A thin invisible line runs between this aspect of our life and the actual quality, value and purpose of who we are.

When I was a child, I played a game at the pool with my friends called simply, “splash”. When it was my turn to be in the middle and get nailed by everyone surrounding me, water would come at my face from every direction, to the point that the fun would briefly give way to a sense of panic, as the water pelted my eyes and filled my mouth and ears without ceasing…until I remembered to simply just go under the water. It was there that I would experience a reprieve from the unrelenting splashing, chaos and even sound, while the game then moved on to the next recipient, at which point of course, it would once again become a fun game to rejoin.

Life is so magnificent in all that it offers, both the good and the not so good. When asked to define our life and who we are, it can often be hard to do. Most of us would define our life by: What we do; Who we are; and What makes up our daily living. But even then, it can be difficult to use this description and truly feel a peace that it sufficiently defines “me”. Indeed our life can feel like the game of “splash” as it comes from all directions, leading us to desire and in fact need, a moment of reprieve to get centered before returning back to living…with our joy intact.

I read a book entitled “One Month to Live – 30 Days to a No Regrets Life” by Kerry Shook, and participated in a discussion group for a period of six weeks, to take our time and examine the principles outlined in it. It enabled me to look at my life from an angle I’d never considered prior, which was: If I knew for a fact that I had one month left to live, how would I live my life? Normally I wouldn’t want to dwell on that, but the concept of a limited time to live was not presented negatively, but rather in a way that provided an action based explanation of how to truly LIVE!

You see, the truth of that thin line I mentioned earlier, is that it is what distinguishes between existing and truly living. Some of the topics included: Living the Dash, which focused on our tombstone where there are two dates, (birth and death), and in between the two is a dash, and that is the summary of our time on this earth and how we chose to live it; Learn Humbly, which explores how to live fully through our most difficult circumstances – grow from them – and live more wholly because of them; and Living With No Regrets, which looks at living a life that pushes back against “regrets”, to instead focus on taking ALL that we have and ALL that we are, with ALL that God is, to live a life of passion, pursuit and purpose!    One Month to Live Challenge
(c)2017-2021 Rebecca Balko 

Don't Let Your Big Ol "BUT" Get In The Way!

A great deal has been spoken of with regards to the issue of the butt, for example: In the words of the infamous L.L. Cool J in his hit song "Big Old Butts", when he said, "Tina got a big ole butt"; Then we have the legendary Sir Mix-A-Lot, who sang about his preference and moral fortitude when he said, "I like big butts and I can not lie"; Lastly, we have words from a little less known gentleman by the name of Bobby Jimmy and his group, "Bobby Jimmy and the Critters", who shared about his personal experience with having a big butt by saying: "I can't drive because my butts to wide - I got a Big Butt, A Big Butt...Huh!"

It's interesting to note however, that upon looking a the actual definition of the word "butt" - it has nothing to do with one's derriere or buttocks, but rather is used as a slang. I suppose the aforementioned artists would have had a tough time using the appropriate words in their lyrics though, (i.e. - "Tina got a big ole derriere" - ummmm - NO)

There are numerous ways in which the word "butt" is referred to in common sayings that perhaps you've heard or even said, (and are realistically not even possible), such as:

"I'm freezing my butt off!" ~ Seriously?

"You are SUCH a butt!" ~ Is that even possible?

"If I sit one more minute my butt will literally fall off!" ~ Really? - Literally?

Then, there are the motivational statements in which the word "butt" was used in my own adolescence by individuals who wished to motivate me by saying things such as:

"Shape up and get your butt in gear!" (High School Band /Mr. Morrow)
"Stop being a butt-head!" (8th Grade PE/Coach Roberts)
"Quit or I'm going to kick your butt!" (Childhood BFF/Vivian)

However, though you have before you a wealth of information about butts...I am actually going to talk about an entirely different kind of "but" This but is defined as being: Used to introduce a statement that disagrees with something just said". You see, THIS is the kind of but that causes all sorts of problems in our lives. In fact, this but has destroyed friendships, marriages and careers. It has been the cause of suspicion, mistrust and damaged reputations.

Here are some examples:

"I apologize for what I said yesterday, but you really had it coming."
"I'm sorry for talking about you behind your back, but it's not like you've never done it to me!"
"I'm sorry for hitting you, but you really make me mad."
"I'm sorry I lied, but you make me feel like I have to."
"I'm sorry you're hurt, but YOU just take things way to personally."
"I was going to apologize, but it wouldn't do any good because you're such a jerk!"
"I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but neither are you."

Isn't it amazing how easy it is to do this? I mean, I am the first to admit that my but has gotten in the way of getting right with someone many times; Not only that, it has been the number one cause of my failure to take advantage of opportunities to grow and to gain humility. What I have found is that the word but is nothing more than an excuse, or if you will, a way to rationalize, justify or minimize to myself or someone else, my own behavior. Let's face it, we ALL make mistakes and thankfully there is a really easy way out of them, by simply saying, "I apologize".

In the words of Benjamin Franklin, "Never ruin an apology with an excuse".

(c) 2014-2021 Rebecca Balko