Thanks Given For the Off-Ramp Man

Coming off the ramp from I-95 and approaching the light …I see him. Though the faces change, it’s always the same guy. With clothes worn and tattered, usually unshaven, hair unkept, eyes empty – looking at me…but not really. He is more looking through me – hoping perhaps for a dollar, and always holding a sign that will have various phrases ranging from “Out of Work” to “Hungry Veteran” to “Will work for Food”. 

I find myself having a variety of reactions as I make my approach. Sometimes I try to get in the farthest lane – positioning my car to be visually blocked - in the hopes of not being spotted by him; sometimes I will be in line and watching, without looking directly at him; sometimes he may be right beside my window and I will stare forward or try to appear busy, as if I’m unaware that he is standing there. Sometimes I will just crack the window and hand him a dollar, still not making much eye contact. But then occasionally, it will happen…for whatever reason, I will feel compelled to not only give him a dollar, but to actually make brief conversation and usually ask if he perhaps needs treatment or shelter. You know it’s interesting because in those moments he is no longer the “invisible man”, but instead, he is a real guy with a real story and often times he has ~ real needs. I would have to say that the “off ramp guy” is above almost anything else, the most consistent 'thorn in my side' because I vary so greatly in my reaction to him. 

 
It’s not that I hold myself in poor light based on whether I give money or not, or even as to whether I speak or not. No, what gets me is the condition of my own heart when I see him. Regardless of “why” he is there or “what” he may be trying to accomplish by being there, what often haunts me is the reaction of my own heart towards him, (the part of me that no one else even knows about~ except my Creator). Sometimes I will think to myself, “YOU need to get a job! Why should I give YOU money that I work for, when YOU aren’t willing to do the same?” Sometimes I will think, “YOU MUST be crazy, why else would you stand out here all day long?” Sometimes I will think, “Uh-oh! I better lock my door, he might be dangerous – he looks kinda off!” But then sometimes, (and I believe it’s when I am really connected to God), I will think, “I wonder who he is and how he has ended up here. I wonder if he needs help. I wonder if he knows how much God loves him.” Then the hardest thought of all will creep in, “Why am I to busy to tell him that God loves him? Why am I just sitting here? Why am I not at the very least saying a prayer for him?” 

 
You see, it eats at me because I know that when I am having my “judgmental thoughts” they are stemming out of my own pride, ego and self-righteousness. Who am I to look down on this man? Was I not there myself at one time in my life? I might not have been on a street corner… “But I assure you it’s only because I didn’t think of it!” Was I not: a thief; a liar; a cheat; a scammer; a con? Was it not I that went without bathing OR changing clothes regularly - seeing absolutely no hope for my future? Did I not look at people, (but not really), just looking for what they would give me so that I could stay numb for just one more day in this life? Did I not on my best day…wish for the end – believing my life had “no meaning and no purpose”? 

 
So why am I not standing in this man’s shoes today? Was it because: I picked myself up? I was so smart? I was a better person? Or am I not standing where he is because: God loved me even then…during my most horrible moments; Because people I didn’t even know reached out to me and loved me when I couldn’t love myself; Because in that state of utter hopelessness someone prayed to God on my behalf; Because even though I looked crazy, dirty and unstable…someone made eye contact with me; and because once at 2am someone welcomed me into their home, (while I was high), where their children were sleeping and prayed for me? You see, this is why the man at the off-ramp is the thorn in my side. He is the daily reminder of my reprieve and of my responsibility to be thankful for this life and the One who gave it to me. As well as to love and pray for those around me…especially the very least appealing among them. 

 
I was a part of a teaching series that was on this simple premise: “If you knew for a fact that you had 30 days left to live….how would you live it?” Well, the obvious things that came to my mind were to love my family and my friends as much as possible. However, the feeling that really intensified over the 30 days that I participated in this series, was the desire to share with as many people as possible, (especially those that are the easiest to overlook), my experience that God loves them, adores them and desires above all else to have a relationship with them. To share my own life as an example of that love and to always realize that I didn’t earn this life, but was lovingly “spared” the last one. 

 
The holidays are upon us and this time of the year always seems to bring about a desire to be connected to, to share with and to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. It’s a time of year that seems to evoke self-reflection and to become aware of things we would like to change in the year to come. Being the way that I am by nature, I always want to make those changes BIG and FAST, but of course it doesn’t really work that way in the long run. For the first time in a long time, I’m not feeling the need to have “big sweeping changes” but rather there is just a desire to not waste my days and to not lay my head down at night with regret for opportunities missed. What always makes me feel good is when I vigorously pursue that 12th step of service to other recovering people. What always makes me feel great is when I not only pursue it within the walls of the recovery community…but in the community of life its self. I want to share with you my prayer and wish you ALL a wonderful Thanksgiving, Happy Hanukah and Merry Christmas! 
“Dear God, please enable me to see with Your eyes, to hear with Your ears and to love with Your heart this day ~ Amen and Shalom” 

(c) 2009-2021 Rebecca Balko

I Think My Dad's An ALIEN!

As a young child I was blessed with a vivid imagination, which allowed for hours upon hours of self propelled entertainment in my backyard and in my room. Growing up as an asthmatic who was allergic to pretty much everything, (except food), I spent a fair amount of time alone or indoors. Having a great imagination really helped to make those hours not seem so lonely as it often brought my dolls to life. They were: the audience for my concerts and theatrical performances; the students for my lessons; the patrons for my restaurant; the customers for my store; the patients in my ER and the citizens of my town! The walls of my bedroom would easily transform into the backdrop for any one of the aforementioned scenarios. When in the backyard, (on days that weren't to cold and when the air didn't have too much pollen or rag weed), the adventures were even better! There was a large Weeping Willow tree that I loved to climb and pretend that I was either a pirate on a ship, looking over the sea, or that I lived in a prehistoric jungle, charged with keeping watch for dinosaurs to protect my village! I also greatly enjoyed my swing set, where I would turn on my black portable AM radio, (pulling the long antenna up to get the best reception), and swing for quite literally hours upon hours, singing song after song at the top of my lungs. 

Well let me tell you, while my imagination truly was a gift, it did also get me into my fair share of trouble and often caused distress that was completely unnecessary. I would get an idea into my head and adding my imagination to it, was like adding fertilizer to the soil where seeds are planted - in no time things could grow and become quite dramatic between my ears! One such example of this happened around 1976, when my family had taken a vacation to Jekyll Island, GA. It was a bit of a change because we always took our summer vacations to Panama City Beach, FL. Either way, I was happy simply because I loved the beach so much. On this particular trip however, I was listening to my dad talk in the car and something in his voice sounded different, (he had cleared his throat a couple times, but it still sounded slightly off), and the idea came into my mind at that very moment, "What if my dad...isn't my dad at all?" Well, there you have it ~ the seed was planted!

You see, by this point in my life, (as a young television enthusiast), I had long been exposed to weekly shows like: Star Trek; Planet of the Apes and the Land of the Lost - with those creepy Sleestaks. So for some time, an idea had ten root in my subconscious, but now was all I could think of as I listened to the change in my dad's voice...ALIENS! As we rode along in the car it all started to make sense: My dad had ALWAYS smoked cigarettes, but now he DIDN'T anymore! My dad always took us to Panama City Beach, FL for summer vacation, but THIS dad was taking us to a place called, (dun..dun... dunnnn), JEKYLL ISLAND! Then it hit me like a ton of bricks..."I think my dad's an ALIEN!" My mind began to race as I looked at my sister and my mom - poor dears, they had NO idea! What was I going to do? What could I do? As we pulled in to the hotel parking lot I resolved that I would watch him, as I suspected that this must be the beginning of perhaps and alien takeover and that creepy Jekyll Island was where my alien dad was going to take my mom, sister and I to be swapped out for alien replacements!

That first night I tossed and turned, wondering when this could have happened to my REAL dad, and what it would be like to be replaced by an alien me - it was all just to horrible! The next day we were at the pool playing, but I couldn't quit thinking about it. That evening it all came to a head when he, (my alien dad), asked me to go for a walk with him on the beach. My heart began to race, (trying to think of what to say to get out of what surely would be my alien swapping), but all I heard come out of my mouth was "OK". After all, I loved walking on the beach and I loved my dad...and this alien dad just looked SO MUCH like him! We walked over the boardwalk that led to the beach and I dragged behind him, watching to see if he walked differently - gazing at the beach ahead and wondering, "Will this be the last time I will see this world?" Just then he turned back, (smiling), with his hand extended to me and said, "Come on honey, what are you doing? Hold my hand, let's go!" As I reached for his hand I thought, "Goodbye world"...but then...our feet hit the sand...we walked and we walked. Time passed and he told me funny things that made me laugh and slowly I realized, "He's not an alien - that's MY DAD!!"

It's funny though: How many times have we complicated our days, our relationships, our lives in general by not simply communicating our concerns? Surely, a great deal of stress, conflict, drama - and yes - even heartburn and ulcers, could be avoided by this simple sanity saving action!

(c) 2014-2021 Rebecca Balko

The Infinite ~ Remembering 9/11

I awoke this morning to my alarm going off with its irritating "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!", as my arm in a most spastic fashion, felt its way in a blind effort to his the snooze for now the THIRD time. Rolling over and looking at the clock, I found that I now had approximately 35 minutes to get cleaned up, dressed, get the house put together, take care of our dog Zeke and get on the road to work. Jolting up, I turned on the TV as I began my hurried routine, and that's when I heard it - "Today marks the anniversary of 9/11". For just those first few minutes upon awakening, I'd not remembered. I stopped what I was doing, (as my mind began to set aside the trivial issues of the morning), and grasped that quite literally, thousands upon thousands of people knew EXACTLY what today was the MOMENT that they awoke this morning: It was a day they survived something that so many others didn't - It was a day they risked everything for their fellow man. Sitting down a moment, as the gravity of it all sank into my consciousness; I could only pray for them to be comforted and strengthened on this day of memorial.

Certainly everyone was impacted by what happened in the nation September 11, 2001. I don't know anyone who doesn't remember exactly where they were the moment they became aware that passenger airliners were flying or had flown into the World Trade Center's - Tower I and Tower II; into the Pentagon; and into a field in Shanksville, PA.

I was in my hotel room by Mobile Bay in Mobile, AL, having just gotten out of the shower and drying my hair when I saw on the television screen, a plane flying into the World Trade Center. I recall initially thinking it was a movie preview and slowly realizing that what I was seeing was real. Turning up the sound, I sat on the corner of the bed and listened  a the news anchor, (fighting his own emotion), attempted to articulate what was happening in live time. At that point both towers had been hit. I called family and then went to the lobby of the hotel; as I could not stand to watch what was unfolding alone. Walking toward the lobby I saw about 15 military personnel talking to staff at the front desk and then I saw to my right, a group of people around a television, where I then went to watch what, in a few minutes, would unfold. As the towers collapsed, I remember my ears ringing and I could hear my own crying, (as if distanced from myself), and then, (like the volume being turned back up), became aware of the cries and gasps of those around me. What I recall most is that no one was really talking, but rather, total strangers were weeping and simply embracing one another.

I came to realize that what happened in that hotel lobby that morning, was that all of us were being confronted with something infinite and attempting to grasp it with our finite mind. We were witnessing true evil, darkness and depravity on a scale, (that likely in the lifetime of those present), had never been experienced before. I have found that a natural impulse to such senselessly vile acts is to attempt to understand it with the use of our intellect. The truth is however, that our intellect can only go so far in the search for such understanding - but can certainly never fully comprehend the acts of that day or of any other kind of depraved indifference that we see in our world today.

With access to news, information and images 24/7, it is easy to bombard ourselves with the infinite darkness, which makes way and opens the door to feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiousness, anger and sadness - that often lead to a skewed view of the world, our lives and our future.

The truth is though...this is only the darker side of something infinite, because there is another Infinite that is so much greater and so much MORE powerful - which is an infinite God. What do I mean by that? The infiniteness of: Love - which can be seen immediately in the eyes of parents as they bring their little ones into the world and see them for the first time, being filled with an awareness that nothing will EVER matter more to them than this precious little life; Forgiveness - which defies all logic in its ability to truly move beyond circumstances and acts which would seem impossible, if not unfathomable; Hope - the miracle of it! It is what allows the human spirit to prevail through circumstances beyond comprehension, enabling them to rise above and not be bound or held down by them.

The greatest darkness can be destroyed in an INSTANT by the tiniest amount of light; The deepest resentment can be annihilated with the smallest step towards forgiveness; The loneliest moment of hopelessness can vanish with one small world of encouragement! I think today it behooves us to remember that everyday...ALL DAY...we are surrounded by and have access to the Infinite - Who will always provide unlimited peace, hope and restoration with as little as one request.

©2014-2021 Rebecca Balko

THE EAGLE'S NEST

 

The eagle is an incredible animal, both in its presence, as well as its behaviors. Their body size, (depending on the species and sex), can range from 30 inches to 40 inches in length, with a weight of 8 to 15 pounds. Wing span can range from 6 feet to an incredible 8 feet! Eagles are capable of flying as high as 10,000 feet and can dive at between 100 to 150mph, when aiming for their prey. The average lifespan of an eagle in the wild is 15 to 20 years, although 30 years is not that uncommon. An interesting behavioral fact about the eagle is that it is the only bird that will fly DIRECTLY into a storm, rather than avoiding it and finding a safer place. By flying into the storm cloud the eagle is able to use updrafts, which allow it to soar higher and faster - at speeds of 80 to 100mph.

One of the most fascinating aspects of the Eagle is the dynamic between the mother and the baby eaglet. Of all the birds - it is the baby eaglet that is the hardest to teach to fly. This is believed to be in large part, because the nests are located high in the mountains with very steep drops to rocky terrain below. The babies see this and have no desire to leave the nest. When it is time for that baby to begin learning to fly, the mother will stir the nest. You see, up until this point the nest is a very warm, safe and comfortable place for the eaglet. All of its needs are met there - food, safety and the comfort of its mother's wings. But the mother then begins to walk around the inside of the nest, breaking twigs and turning over the leafy content, causing holes to be produced in the nest structure, thereby allowing the wind access to the inside. It also causes the twigs to poke upward creating discomfort to the eaglet. The mother does this quite literally to make the eaglet desire to leave the nest.

Often this process works and the babies will begin the act of learning to fly. Sometimes however, they are not convinced that leaving is a good idea, and still wish to remain in the nest. The mother will then begin "hovering over the baby". The mother  will flap her large wings just above the eaglet ~ who will freak out and run around looking for a place to hide...but there is none. The mother will rest and then repeat the process again and again. The reasoning behind this? "To get that eaglet motivated!" The baby eaglet however, will actually learn the mother's pattern to rest and will take the opportunity to jump on the back of the mother's neck ~ so that mom can't get him with her wings anymore! While the eaglet may think himself to be smart...in reality, this was the plan of the mother all along.

At this point the mother will then take off with her baby attached to her back and soar with him, very high in the air. Just as the eaglet begin to relax and take it all in, she will shoot out from under that baby, allowing it to have to flap its wings trying to fly as it falls to earth. The eaglet of course, isn't strong enough yet. But no worries...she will fly below the eaglet before it can hit the ground and then take it back up again. She will repeat this process each time and the eaglets wings will become stronger as it fights and tries to fly. Ultimately she will him back to the safety of the nest to warm and comfort him with her wings. This is done until the baby learns to fly. Once this is completed, the mother still will not leave the eaglet - but instead she will begin to teach him how to build a nest and to hunt.

Sadly, the reality is that sometimes there are eaglets that simply refuse to learn to fly. When the mother eagle drops the eaglet so that it can strengthen its wings, the eaglet will simply fold its wings and let itself drop, so that the mother will do the work. When this happens the mother, realizing the eaglet is refusing to learn, will take it for a final flight and going out from under, will allow it to fall to its death. Though it appears harsh, it is believed that she does this to protect the eaglet from a more horrible and slow death from starvation, beast or freezing.

A friend and mentor of mine, (Jim Swoager), in Birmingham, AL, some years ago, used the metaphor of the eagle's nest with me, in an effort to show me what was happening in my life at that time. I had spent the first 17 years of my sobriety with the same friends and support group, living in the same city, keeping the same job and lived within a rocks throw of my parents. I was married, had bought my first home and enjoyed the sound of little feet and laughter from my step daughters every other weekend. Due to the loss of a job, my husband ended up applying for a job in south Florida. It took about 6 weeks to find out if he had it. During that period, I spent most of it in denial and completely uninterested in even entertaining the thought of this happening. Basically, I was in a very comfortable place. When they flew him down for his final interview, reality began setting in. I was in a total state of panic - I had NEVER even thought about living anywhere else or DOING anything else. I met with my friend and he told me about the eagle's nest and said, "For whatever reason Rebecca...God is taking your nest apart. You are ready now and it is time for you to fly girl."

When my husband got word that he had the job, he had to leave 6 days later. Just like that everything had changed. I had two choices at that point: (1) Cling to the nest and lose out on what God had planned for me or (2) Take the next right step and find out . After moving here and going through the process of growth that occurred as a result of these changes, I became interested in learning more about the eagle. Through the aforementioned, it became clear to me what a close correlation there is between this aspect of nature and our own lives on a spiritual level. Not only through the process of just growing up ~ but more so ~ in going through the process of recovery.

We enter into treatment and/or the rooms of recovery and it is a safe place to be. We have lots of warm faces, words of encouragement and reassurance surrounding us. We are allowed a time to "just be" and to rest. But soon we begin hearing about what we need to do to prepare for the real world, so that we can live life on life's terms. The sponsor working with us, (whether that be a therapist or sponsor), will inevitably begin to stir up our nest. Disheveling our comfortable place and poking holes in our ideas of how things should work. They will bring forth truths that poke at us and make it uncomfortable for us to sit idly by in our safe place. Why do they insist on doing this to us?? I will tell you - it is to get us motivated!!! Ultimately the person working with us will take us from idling in our safe place and will lift us to places we have never been - where we can see what needs to be done. They will allow us to make decisions and let us go, so that we can begin trying to apply what we are learning. Sure, in the beginning it's like a train wreck most of the time...but that isn't the point. We are developing spiritual muscle. Sadly this isn't the choice of everyone. There are those who refuse to learn and refuse to grow. Waiting for someone else to save them ~ they allow their wings to fold and they fall. One day, there is no one there to catch them.

But when we DO decide to begin working the steps, (to fly directly into the storm), this process raises us to a dependency and relationship with the God who loves us. Often we will not want to leave the safety of our little nests...but God to, will allow us discomforts that cause us to be placed in a position for change. He will lift us far above our circumstances, with moments of great peace and tranquility, where our view is much larger and clearer. Then, like the mother eagle, our Creator will swoop out from under us, allowing us to practice the spiritual tools we have been given ~ but growing, we are never far from the safety of God's hand. As time goes on, we become stronger and our lives improve. God won't just get us flyer (sober), but like that mother eagle, will also ensure us everything that we will need to survive and thrive. I for one am forever grateful, for my Eagle's Nest experience.

(c)2010-2021 Rebecca Balko