FALLEN HEROES NEVER DIE

 

Photo by Lerone Pieters on Unsplash

I like to start by qualifying ~ my clean date is 11/11/20. I was born and raised in South Jersey, I'm 1 of 4 children and I am a twin. I grew up in an Italian Catholic household. My parents are not addicts or alcoholics, however they still had all the same behaviors, and so to me, I thought it was normal. Everything was picture perfect on the outside but on the inside everything was chaotic. From the age of 7 until 14, I was sexually molested by my older brother and paternal grandfather; Which at the time I didn't know was wrong. I knew it didn't feel right, but thought that was what everyone did, so I never said anything. By the time I was 8 I was self mutilating. I didn't know why I was doing that at the time, I just knew it felt better than everything else. I went through the motions of activing like a happy child, when really, I was dying inside - in silence. 

I went through school and partied on the weekends like any other normal teenager, till I found myself in the woods huffing, but not thinking I had a problem. I graduated high school and wanted to go into the military, but because I messed my knee up playing field hockey that was no longer an option. So I joined the Fire Department. I knew as a child I wanted to lead a life of service and to help others. I rose pretty quickly in a man's world. When 9/11/01 happened we got called upon to report to NYC. Our orders were to report to the staging area across the river, and that we would help with fire and EMS in the lower Manhattan area. I was a rescue tech on NJTF1, which is a urban search and rescue team. We got called upon while at the staging area and I would reamin at ground zero for 4 weeks - searching - but found no one viable. It was at that time I realized we had to play God - it was up to us who lived and died, and as a 20 year old, it was an extremely heavy burden to carry. When someone is begging you to save their life and you can't, it changes you. 

At 25 I met my husband and we had a son, who is the light of my life! But sadly, not even my love for him could save me. I was a very large girl weighing 300 pounds. I was pre diabetic, hypertensive and just overall, not healthy. I decided to get gastric bypass surgery which I would later come to find, was the worst mistake of my life. After that surgery I traded cupcakes for percocet and I could not stop. I lost drastic weight and ended up at 85 pounds dying from malnutrition. When I ran out of pain meds a 'friend' gave me something in my picc line which was the 'big H'. I did not enjoy it said, "I cant do that". I stuck with that decision...until the next day when I found I needed more and more and more. This continued for 10 years. 

I still worked my job and felt I was the ultimate hypocrit. I would narcan people at work then shoot up when I got home. After my addiction had gotten really bad, I ended up quitting my job after 20 years and left it all, 'cause I just didn't wanna hurt anyone. I had never thought that I had a problem at all because I was, for a really long time, the functional addict. I believed all the lies I would tell myself, as well as those my disease said to me. Ultimately addiction caused me to love Heroin more than my husband, my son, my family and myself. I would do practically anything to get it. It was just always there for me...no matter what. 

In the summer of 2018 I was held hostage for 4 days by my drug dealer at gun point, chained to a table like an animal, while I was voliated and raped for 4 days - absolutely dehumanized and ultimately I was shot. I don't remember how I got away ~ but I did. When I got to my car where I could use my phone, I found that not one person had called...not even my mom who I talked to everyday. They were all just simply tired of my shit and were waiting to get that phone call that I was dead. It was at that moment, I realized I needed to take a break and stop using for a while. I knew nothing about recovery, so I thought it was use drugs or death.

Thankfully, I got help from my mom and was set up to go to Florida for detox. I got on a plane the very next day. When I threw out my paraphernalia I actually cried...it was like saying good bye to an old friend at the time, though I thought was just going to be for a while. When I landed in Florida, I was withdrawing really bad and was so sick in my mind that I asked the man who picked me up, (who was from the detox program I was going to), to take me to a dealer. Ultimately, my plan was to do 30 days and then go back home to continue to use. I ended up spending 77 days in treatment and I took the suggestion to keep on and I absolutely fought tooth and nail to stay in florida. I ended up going to a half way house, that I knew nothing about and at one point found myself walking down the highway crying, not knowing what to do with my life off drugs. 

It was at that time, I gave myself two options: to either use drugs again or jump in front of a truck. Well, the good news is...I stayed clean for 8 months that time. BUT...I thought I knew what was best for me and I didn't get a sponsor or work the steps because...'I knew it all'. I was really a huge asshole. Well, needless to say ~ I used again! When I went back to treatment then next time, they believed I had had a stroke and so I was sent to the hospital, where they found a malformation in my brain, that came from 9/11 and 20 years of fighting fire. I had experienced symptoms for years, but blamed them on the drugs. So, July 2019 I had brain surgery.  Three weeks after that, I got word from my sister that my mom was in the hospital and a day later, I was on a one way flight back to Jersey to be with my mom and family. I was there two days and my mom passed away. Which was my biggest fear and biggest reservation, but I didn't use and I came back to Florida. 

I was in a fog for weeks. The world no longer spins right without my mom in it.  To this day I miss her. The whole year of 2019 I had four brain surgeries and a stroke. At the time of my stroke, the Dr. said he didn't know if I would make it through the surgery...but I did!  I went through a lot of detox because my dr didn't want me to end up going back out, because I was on some heavy pain meds. I lived homeless and clean for a while, but then used again. I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life on and off drugs and in and out of treatment. I've really met some amazing people on this three year journey. In 2020 I did alot of stupid things and one was trying to kill myself because I just didn't see a way out. My last relapse was really bad I didn't think it could get worse...but it did. I don't even remember two weeks of my life, but ended up back at detox yet again, really not knowing how I got there. At that time my soul was dead...I was just utterly dead inside. 

When I got out of treatment I went into sober living. This time felt different...it wasn't a decision not to use, but rather a feeling that I had, that 'I have had enough'. The pain had just gotten to be too much. What I did was, I listened... I got a sponsor and I started to honestly work the steps for once. In fact, I didn't change just one thing ~ I changed everything. I have met some people in this journey that will be with me forever! I put one foot in front of the other and just simply did the next right thing. At the sober house I was at, the manager position opened up and I was asked if I would like to do it...and so I did...and for the first time in a long time, I had purpose and was helping people again ~ just in a different capacity. I celebrated a year on 11/11/21. 

This year, yet challenging at times and so hard ~ I just wanted to give up ~ but I didn't! I surrounded myself with strong sober women and they showed me the way! Working with a sponsor and doing steps is the absolute way to freedom! I now am the Operations Manager for my sober living community and have people in my life that truly care about me. In fact, they surprised me and all my girls that I live with, by putting their money together, and flew my sister and my son here so they could celebrate my anniversary with me!! I am eternally grateful for the people I have in my life today. Without true recovery there would be no story to tell. It took me 3yrs to get this year, but I'm grateful for the struggles I have had  because I wouldn't be me today without them. I'm excited to see what year two will bring, but I live in the moment most of the time 'cause that is what works for me.

 Hope you all stay blessed...

Stephanie Dixon

WINDS OF CHANGE

 

Photo by Annie Nyle on Unsplash

Standing in the sun room, my bare feet warmed by heat radiating from the Spanish tiles that had been absorbing the sun’s rays all morning through the windows just above, I gazed out and couldn’t help but think that summer seems to go by faster and faster with each passing year. My mother, (laughingly), told me some time back, “Rebecca it feels like that because you’re getting older!” There is some truth to that; I remember as a little girl it felt like time would just d-r-a-g on and on for what seemed like forever, leaving me consumed with the urge to hurry in order to not miss out on ANYTHING, yet as an adult I’ve found that time does seem to pass by just a bit faster each year, leaving me longing for it to slow down…if even the smallest bit, so as not to miss even one precious moment of anything. Of course, here in South Florida, it is a bit harder to differentiate seasons as they approach, due to the fact that there are no Autumn leaves, nor that particular “feel” the night air gets this time of year, when the coolness causes the air to feel somehow – cleaner. Most I notice an absence of the scent in the air itself that seemed to come with Fall during the years I lived in Alabama, which was the faint aroma of chimney smoke that drifted in the evening breeze.

Autumn was always a time of fascination and enjoyment growing up. I can remember as a child going into the woods, with all of the many colored leaves covering the ground like a woven patchwork quilt. When the wind would begin to pick up, the trees produced a sound much different than what you would hear in the summertime when they were full of their foliage. It was more of a haunted moaning, with echoed sounds that would pierce the lonesome silence of the forest, as their upper trunks bent with the shifting breeze, capturing the remaining leaves that had not yet fallen to blanket the ground that eagerly awaited them.

What interests me is “why” Fall occurs. You know, there actually is a reason for it and a purpose for why each aspect of nature happens as it does. For instance, in the fall, trees stop making chlorophyll and this causes the green leaves to fade, giving way to the red, yellow, orange and browns of autumn. Late in this season, most of the leaves of deciduous trees have fallen off. This happens because it is nature’s way of protecting the tree during the winter months. In the winter, trees get very little water through their roots. If the leaves were to remain, the water would then escape as water vapor through the leaves. This way the tree conserves water and thus stays alive.

Interesting, how much of our lives are reflected in the world around us, or better yet, how much the world around us reflects “life.” Just as the autumn winds usher in the changes of Fall, so do the winds of circumstantial change in our lives. We all are placed in circumstances from time to time that cause us to go through a variety of changes and growth in areas such as: Gratitude, Humility, Surrender, Acceptance and Forgiveness. Part of this process operates on much the same premise as the leaves that are shed from the trees during the fall. Circumstances cause our defects of character and shortcomings to rise to the surface ~ (Those things that we’ve held onto so tightly; that allowed us to cover up the areas of our lives that we didn’t want others to see). If we allow the recovery process to take its natural course, those defects and shortcomings will then begin to fall away from us. Much like that late Fall wind that blows through the almost barren trees, causing a creaking and lonesome howl, so too does that wind of change as it blows across our exposed “self,” after having allowed those things that once covered us and made us appear somewhat bigger, stronger and unaffected than we really were, too fall away.

But although this moment can be most uncomfortable, a much greater purpose is being served! Without being barren, the trees could face destruction and even death, due to their need to absorb and retain water through their roots in order to survive winter. This same process is necessary in our own lives. Many of the instinctual emotions that make up our humanness, such as: Resentment, Fear, Pride and Sex – are also laden with defects of character and shortcomings that cause us conflict and pain, and which need removal. Were this to never happen, we could also face our own destruction, and even death. By allowing the wind of healing recovery ~ Willingness, Honesty and Open-Mindedness ~ to blow over us, we are able to be stripped of what hinders our spiritual growth, allowing our “roots” to not only absorb life giving water, (Or, if you will, – a connection with God), but to better retain those God-given qualities of Love, Patience, Tolerance, Courage, Humility and Wisdom ~ that will sustain us through the difficulties and challenges that lie ahead, causing us to achieve growth and become stronger.

I love this journey and I am humbled by the grace which has allowed the opportunity I’ve been given to partake in it. While I am not “eager” for change, I am excited by the blessings I know will come as a result of it.

©2009-2021 Rebecca Balko 

My Name Is Melissa

 

Photo by Bruno Kelzer on Unsplash

My name is Melissa and I am an alcoholic and addict. I am 41 years old and am sober here in Florida over 6 months as of, October 14th, but it hasn't been easy and now I am learning a new way to live. 

So to tell you a little about myself I grew up in normal household: Mom, Dad and  an older brother. NOTHING with my up bringing has anything to do with why, at a young age - about fifteen, I started smoking cigarettes. It was because of peer pressure and then smoking weed, just to be cool and fit in. Normal teenager things I guess, but I always felt like I had a lot of energy and thought a little different - I just had a unique or imaginative mind. Then over the years I experimented with prescription medication that people would have, and then alcohol. In high school I was an OK student and was a star athlete, so it wasn't ok to smoke or party. 

My drinking progressed over the years and I started getting arrested for things. My first time in rehab I was twenty-one and when I got arrested the bail bondsman said, "Maybe go get a pyschiatric evaluation", so I went into a 'hospital type' stay for about a month. That is when the doctors diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. So I was a dual diagnosed person, and back home in New Hampshire, where they didn't have recovery like they do here in Florida. For a few years I was ok, 'I thought', but I was just a functional alcoholic and drug addict: I would go to work, had my own apartment and a car. I eventually got a DUI and that was rough. My dad always said your license is a privilege. I had to do drunk driving school, pay fines and still try to get to work. That made me stay sober for a little while and I got through it thank God. 

I maintained for a while, but I hate to say, it didn't last long, because then for about 13 years I got addicted to cocaine and drank alone. I did not go out much to the bars and isolated alone in my studio apartment. Very sad. My addiction progressed every day, drinking and drugging heavy, and at times I did not feel like my life was much worth living. I was hibernating, not talking to my family,  missing holidays - which was not like me at all - and barely showing up to work. I had gained 100 lbs from drinking beer and eating. If I wasn't doing that, I was sleeping, so I then started having medical problems arise from alcohol and  other things. On April 13, 2021 I just had enough. On Facebook I saw a number and called it for addiction and next thing I remember I was at the airport getting on a plane to come to treatment for the 5th time. Best decision I ever made for myself! 

Mandala Healing Center is where  I detoxed and stayed  in the program for residential twenty-four days. Then I went from Mandala Healing Center to Boca Recovery for PHP and stayed there seventeen days, but for medical reasons got transfered to Northlake and finally AION Recovery. I did three months IOP and am now doing OP there at this present time. I am living in a sober house and am very active in my recovery and meetings, I am working the 12 steps with a sponsor for the first time - because I have tried the meetings before back home - but I never stuck with it or even attempted to get a sponsor or work the program. I volunteer at Recovery Church, which is another fellowship with sober support. I get phone lists at meetings and reach out to people who will help me through this recovery process. I read daily reflections every morning to start my day and look to my Higher Power, who is God. I pray and when I feel like I'm struggling, I  go to a meeting, call someone and say " Let Go Let GOD " three times and breathe - and it usually passes and I get through my day. 

Not every day is easy and I do have rough days, but I try to make the best of it with the tools I have learned in these programs. I am very Blessed and Gratful for the recovery I have here in FLorida. The fellowship is everywhere, so I know that I can always find a meeting and there are zoom meetings and phone apps to! 

Thank You very much for letting  me tell my story.

DON'T BE RELIGIDICULOUS!

Photo by Abhishek Koli

One Sunday I was sitting in church and our pastor began his teaching by saying, “Don’t Be Religidiculous!” When I heard it I started laughing, because it just seemed like such a bizarre thing for someone to say. However what he went on to share had an oatmeal effect on me – it was heavy and really stuck!

Growing up in the south, the terms 'religion and religious' were commonly used. One of the reasons for this was because part of being a good southerner is to never be outright rude to anyone. For instance, instead of telling someone that they are a jerk, their life is a total train wreck and they are driving everyone crazy, you would instead say, “Honey, what you need is religion!” Another example could be the miserable angry next door neighbor lady who points out to everyone what’s wrong with them and their life as compared to her own, while at the same time declaring she’ll “pray for them”. Instead of openly expressing one’s true feelings in public, a common statement about a woman like this would be, “She is just a VERY religious”.

In my youth, rarely was the term 'religious' ever meant as something positive. Generally it was used like a heads up, to notify folks that this was not a fun person to be around.  Of course for some people, this is a word of endearment. It conjures up thoughts of a very warm, nurturing and loving person, who for them represented a tangible example of God.

 The word religious can be defined as: Relating to belief in, teaching of, or practice of a religion; Scrupulously faithful; Showing devotion or reverence for God.

For the purpose of this writing however, I will be making reference to the more negative connotation of the word. My point of reference came from my own experiences with certain people that I consistently used the words 'Religious' or 'Bible thumpers' to describe. These were those individuals who I found to be self-righteous, judging or critical of others from a religious standpoint. I wanted nothing to do with them and desired to never be one of them. That sentiment only grew stronger as I moved towards addiction, where I desperately sought out any reason to not be involved with people who didn’t do what I was doing. Of course in EVERY religious dwelling, you are certain to find that 'religious' person who is more than willing to push all your buttons, and that is just exactly what happened in my case. Someone spoke the words I was waiting to hear…about how I “was disappointing God” and that He would “punish my sin”, etc… and at last I could justify within myself leaving the church forever.

For the most part, from the age of 14 to 34, (with the exception of about 2 years and certain holidays), I would remain out of organized religion. I can remember feeling very liberated upon entering into the recovery community, because it seemed like I could have all of God I wanted…without any of the religiousness. I remember saying on more than one occasion, “It's so awesome being somewhere that I’m not judged and where people aren’t dictating my life to me and making me feel guilty when I don’t do what they think I should.”

But as time went by I began to realize something startling…something awful! I noticed in the meetings that there were certain individuals who were bossy and judgemental; some were very 'rule based' and seemed very critical of anyone who didn’t agree with their point of view. I once had a person that agreed to work with me in my recovery efforts, who during my first call began by telling me, “Quit your job, move out of your parent’s house and get rid of your car if you really want recovery and to have me work with you”. So….I found someone new.  When I was 4 years clean/sober I began attending new meetings away from my primary one and ended up with about 12 members, (from my primary group), telling me I had to 'choose' and saying: “You are either with them or you’re with us, but you can’t do both!” I disagreed and was informally yet promptly, blackballed. Initially I walked away wondering, “What the hell is going on? What just happened here? This is crazy!”~ Then it hit me…like a ton of bricks:

It’s the EXACT same crazy that had happened in the church so long ago! All that time I had thought that the problem was the 'church', but it wasn’t…the problem in the church was the same problem found in the meetings AND is the same problem that can be found everywhere that PEOPLE are! It’s not an 'organization' problem - it is a human problem. Lets face it, as long as men and women breath air, there will be a need to feel and attempt to be in control. The way that mankind often tries to control things is with legalism. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that rules, laws and the enforcement of them are bad. But what I am saying is that to make choices: Whether good or bad; To take or not to take healthy actions; To agree or disagree; To be right or to be wrong ~ all without fear of losing sobriety or the love of God for us…is to truly know freedom and to be able to experience joy.

I am reminded daily to stand guard at the gate of my heart and mind, always remembering that to allow anything like rules, laws or legalism to come in and direct my life, rather than asking God to…is to be just plain RELIGIDICULOUS!

©2012-2021 Rebecca Balko

 

SEASONS CHANGE

 

It's pumpkin season here in the pumpkin capital of the world, which means that the old Liby's plant, (which is now Nestle), is going full steam maing the pumpkin filling for most of the world. It also comes with everything pumkin here in Morton, from pancakes to ice cream. (Yes, I did say ice cream) It's also a sign that summer is just about over and fall is just around the corner with the sound of high school football, changing color of the leaves and cooler days and nights. (SO ready for cooler nights)

It is also coming up on my one year of sobriety, which is September 16th. WOW, what a fast year this has been, with so many great things happening in my life ~From growing closer to God, to getting remarried to my wife. Goes to show, you never know what God may do.

With all that said, it reminds me that most of us have learned to spot the signs of seasons changing, but many times, fail to spot when our spiritual lives begin to change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes not.

For the last year I have been riding high on living sober, giving my life over to God every day and working the program. I have seen signs many times when my old self wants to take back over and bring old thoughts that lead me to drink all time. Because of my walk with God and working the program, I saw those signs and TOOK ACTION to avoid falling back into that old life. Eve with all that, my first year in sobriety was for the most part, easy, but could there be change coming?

I am seeing signs that my spiritual walk may be changeing for the better because wtih growth comes change and more responsiblity. Just when I think I fully understand something, like turning my life and will over to the care of God, I see a part of it that I never saw before. Just when I think I have this walk figured out, I learn something new. When life tries to hit me harder or there are new challenges to overcome, I try to see it as a chance to grow - not hurt. This is why I must always keep moving forward in my walk, because the momentum of backsliding can be hard to stop and change direction.

So enjoy Seasons of Change and all that comes with it, but remember to keep your focus on the things that got you there.

(c) 2021 Sherman B.