My Name is Blue

 

Photo by Ivan Ragozin

My name is Blue and I’m an addict and alcoholic. Everyone calls me Blue mainly because my hair is blue ~ LOL. I was born and raised in a small island called Treasure Island Florida. My parents were well off and I grew up in a good household. We lived on the water ~ had a pool, a hot tub and a boat. We were always out on the boat every weekend fishing, diving or just partying on some of the islands out in the Gulf. I thought this was normal. This is how everyone was raised. My parents had parties at their house almost every weekend. Alcohol was everywhere. I remember learning how to mix drinks when I was 7 years old. I was very involved in swimming. I joined my first swim team at age 4. I practiced all the time and eventually I qualified for the Junior Olympics. One of my favorite things to do was when we went out on the boat and my parents went diving, I would wait on the front of the boat for my dad's bubbles to come up the anchor line. When I saw him I would fly off the boat and swim about 15 feet down to meet him and breath off his respiratory. I was about 5 when I started this. I also was very much into art and at 10 I started to teach myself how to play the guitar.

When I was 6 my parents allowed my great uncle to babysit me and my younger brother. My uncle raped and molested me for 3 years. At age 7 I had my first drink. It was exactly what I was looking for. Something to numb the emotional pain I was feeling. By the time I was 11 I had to have surgery on my leg because of a cyst that formed and became very painful. I was put on pain meds and absolutely fell in love. Those pills did for me what I could not do for myself.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya

There is a park by my parents’ house that I hung out at all the time. I would draw or practice my guitar. I wound up meeting these kids who were a lot older than me. They were 18 to 21. They introduced me to pot and cocaine. I became able to socialize in ways I never could imagine. I could talk to people and laugh and have fun. I thought I was important. One of those guys, who was 21, took advantage of me by raping and beating me so badly that I spent months in the hospital with broken bones and internal bleeding. He even fractured my back. I was an emotional wreak. Not long after I turned 12 one of those older boys got me hooked on heroin. He shot me up and then showed me how to do it. I thought I had found the love of my life. It numbed everything I wanted to be numb. I no longer had to feel those feelings anymore. I no longer had to be alone with myself and my own thoughts. I found my best friend. I found my way over the next couple of years to many other drugs and occasionally alcohol.

At 15 I went from private school to public school. Although I was in a magnet program for visual arts. 100 people tried out and I was 1 of 6 that got accepted. I also started my first band. I played lead guitar and lead vocals. Through one of my shows I met Billy. I knew at this point in my life that I was gay but I also knew that my family wouldn't have been ok with that. So I forced myself to be with men. Billy I thought was the one guy who was going to change everything. And boy was I right just not in the way I thought.  Billy was extremely abusive. He

Photo by Louis Galvez

fed me drugs constantly which I did love. I was always high but even the drugs didn't make what he did to me bearable. He beat me and raped me every day for a year and a half. He allowed his friends to beat and rape me. He locked me in a dog cage. Normally naked. He would electrify the cage so if I touched it I would get shocked. Sometimes he would just put the wires right on me and leave it on long enough to burn my skin. He made me eat and drink out of dog bowls. I was not allowed to look anyone in the eyes. If I did I got punished badly. I had to kneel next to his chair in the living room like a pet and I always had to walk a step behind him. Sometimes he would keep me locked in the cage for weeks at a time. He would let me out and my legs would so bad I wouldn't be able to walk. He starved me and when I got away from him I weighed 87 pounds. He got arrested on a drug charge and my friends got me out of the house and hid me.

I bounced from friend’s house to friend’s house. Sometimes I slept on the streets. For a couple of months I got involved with another guy who was very controlling and abusive. But he wasn't anything like Billy, so I thought I was doing well. Only he forced me into prostitution. I did that for a couple of months until I got hooked up with a major drug dealer who lived 2 hours south of me. I started selling drugs in the clubs for him. I was selling about 1,500 x pills every weekend. Yet my addiction was so bad I had no profit. I owed him. I just kept running. One night, when I was 18, my very good friend Mitch and I, were walking to the store to get something to drink. It was a couple of blocks away from his apartment. On the way back, this

Photo by Kenny Eliason

car kept driving past us and turning around. The next thing I know I heard the gun shot and Mitch fell to the ground. He got hit in the head and died in my arms within minutes. I saw who shot him. It was the same man who raped and beat me when I was 11. I went to court and testified. He stood up when the verdict was read, ‘guilty’. He said, “I didn't mean to shoot him, I meant to shoot her” And he pointed right at me.

I couldn't take much more of this and I was afraid that Billy was getting closer to finding me. So I wrote a letter to my parents and I went home to give it to them. I had to apologize for everything I had done to them. I had stolen all of my mom's jewelry and pawned it. But they did get it back. I stole check books and credit cards. I stole cash and part of my dad’s coin collection. Anything I could pick up and get money for I took. Because the drugs didn't give me a choice. Two days later me, my parents and my uncle were on a plane to south Florida for me to go to rehab. I went to 2 rehabs and a couple of halfway houses. I stayed sober for about 2 years. I even sponsored a girl. But yet again I wound up with a guy who was controlling and abusive and who fed me drugs. I wound up moving back to home with him. I formed another band - lost the guy - still doing my art work. Trying to hold down a job. But the drugs don't really like my work schedule so it normally doesn't work out. I eventually get married. He too is abusive. More mentally. I got pregnant by him 7 times. I had 5 miscarriages and 2 stillborn. One at 6 months due to complications with the baby. And one at 7 months due my husband kicking me in the stomach. Later I get pregnant again by another man who I had known since I was 15. He was very controlling and very narcissistic. I stopped doing drugs. I wanted this baby so bad. I wanted the others too. But I knew I couldn't handle losing another one. The pregnancy was very hard. I was very high risk and on strict bed rest. I was not allowed to go into labor. If I did, with my complication, I would bled out and died before the baby was born. I had many episodes where I bled so bad I had to have a blood transfusion. (And on top of that, I have a rare blood type.) Eventually the doctor just had me stay in the hospital for the last month and a half of my pregnancy.

Photo by Christian Bowen

I had a C-section. My son was born with 4 holes in his heart. One was huge. He had open heart surgery at 7 months old. He is perfect. He had a patch on the big hole that will grow with his heart. He will see a cardiologist for the rest of his life. But he has no restrictions. And he is 10 years old now. His name is Jax. He is named after one of my friends - Jack, who helped me get away from Billy. Jack unfortunately passed away from an overdose before Jax was born. I started drinking. However, I did drink while I was pregnant for 2 days straight. But now I’m drinking every day nonstop. One day i decided to quit. I knew all about withdrawals from drugs. I kicked heroin and Benzos. But I had no idea you could withdraw from alcohol. My third day sober I had a grand mal seizure in the middle of Toys-R-Us. I spent about 5 days in the hospital. I was hallucinating. I was asking the nurse what the people on the walls were saying. Yet in the cab on my way home I stopped at the liquor store. Because that's my addiction. It knows no bounds.

 I got engaged to another guy I knew since I was 15. He was crazy obsessed with me. I got a job at Toys-R-Us so we could get an apartment together. He became homeless when his aunt decided to sell her house. He didn't like that I was working so much. But this was towards the end of November at a toy store. It was very busy. And I was hired as seasonal. I wanted them to make me preeminent. So I did what they asked, I came in early, stayed later and came in on my days off. He just got jealous and started showing up at my work or my parents’ house. 

Photo by Felipe Furtado

One day he showed up at work and waited for me to get there. My parents dropped me off in the parking lot. I didn't see him at first. My parents left and he wound up cornering me up against his car. One of my managers was outside and saw this. He hit me knocking me to the ground. He took my left hand and slammed it in the car door repeatedly fracturing all of my fingers in multiple places. Sad to say I am no longer able to play the guitar. And I played for 23 years. Almost every relationship I was in was abusive in some way. I wanted attention and negative attention is what I got. I would force myself to be with men. So I would get really drunk and high and meet random men I met on an online dating site. Sometimes I would bring them to my parents’ house. But most if the time it was hotels.

Photo by Joel Muniz

I was in 29 rehabs from the age of 19 to 41. I wouldn't talk about my trauma. They ask, what I’m going to do different this time. Because if nothing changes then nothing changes. This time I talk openly about my trauma. The more I talk about it the less power it has over me. I get uncomfortable to get comfortable. I don't like raising my hand and talking in meetings but I forces myself to. I raised my hand, said my name and said that I need help getting to meetings. I got lots of phone numbers. And I call and text those people. Even if it's just to say, “Hi”. I have a big group of women in my life who would do anything to help me. I had a living situation problem and these women came together and got everything fixed for me. It's amazing. I have a sponsor. I do exactly what she suggests. I did everything my addiction told me to do so I can do everything my recovery tells me to do. I have a relationship with my higher power. I pray to him every day. I don't pray for things like money. I pray for his guidance and his will. And when I’m feeling stressed I pray to him and I have this peace that comes over me. It's amazing. I do service work. I have a home group and

Photo by Brett Jordan

I volunteer to do things like making the coffee or hand out the raffle tickets.  I help women who are getting out of rehab find a sober living house to go to. I also help people who are struggling get into detox. If a hand is reaching out to me I’m going to grab it and pull that person up. It's so important to get a sponsor, get a home group, do service work and raise your hand in meetings, introduce yourself. Get those phone numbers and use them. There are some incredible women and men out there in the rooms. And you calling them is helping them too. It helps me when I help another addict.

Photo by Adrian Moise

Today I have a close relationship with my son. He lives with his father 2 hours north of my parents. My parents get him every other weekend. I have a job I never thought I could get. But I applied and got hired. I took a class for a state insurance license and I passed. It was very hard. If I was in my addiction I would not have passed that. I work from home, so when I save up enough money I’m going to move back to St. Petersburg and I can take my job with me. I can't wait to be closer to my son so I can start seeing him in person again. I work hard on my recovery today because I want to live a clean and sober life. And those promises that the Big Book talks about will come true for all of you if you just stick with it and do what is suggested. They are coming true for me every day.
I have a relationship with my parents. I didn't before this. My mom didn't talk to me for 2 years. The most I heard her say in the backyard when I called my dad was that: ‘I was a bitch’; ‘I was no better than the trash in her garbage can’; and that ‘I ruined her life’. Now she tells me that she loves me unconditionally. And she has never in my life told me she loved me. I needed to borrow money and she actually lent it to me with no problems. I asked and she said yes. Before she wouldn't even give me $5. Things will get better for all of you. Just remember that you're fighting for your life and your will to live. I hope my story can help at least one person. Thank you all for allowing me to tell my story. 

POWERLESS TO POWER ~ STEP ONE

By: Daniel Mingook Kim on Unsplash

The 12 Steps are: 12 ACTION based applicable solutions to ALL of the problems we face in our lives. The foundation upon which these 12 principles rest is:     Willingness, Honesty and Open-Mindedness

Willingness: Doing those things that I do not feel like and/or want to do. Taking action contrary to my feelings. (If I wanted to…it would be called “eagerness” and thankfully there is no requirement to be eager)

Honesty: Honesty with one’s self. (Not referring to honesty with others…but rather an internal honesty)

Open-Mindedness:    Considering what I hear before trashing it as being worthless. (Does not mean blindly embracing what someone tells you – no matter how qualified they may be – But rather considering what someone says, regardless of how unqualified they may be.)          

Step 1:                

We admitted we were powerless over ______________ – that our lives had become unmanageable.

In this first step, an internal acknowledgement is made that my best efforts to control ___________ - failed; that in my own hands, using my own strength – those things I value and have valued the most, are to some degree, neglected and/or damaged as a direct result of ______________. It is in this step where the first “chip” is made in the exterior façade of “I’m FINE”, and where self-honesty is first used.

In this principle the very first act that must happen is that of “admitting”. While on the surface this may not seem a big deal, the truth is that if we confuse the word “admit” with the word “accept”…THEN it can be far more difficult to do. So let’s look at the difference in these two words:

Admit:            Confess to be true – typically with reluctance

Accept:           Believe or come to recognize as valid or correct

So thankfully, to begin this journey towards restoration of wholeness in our lives, we need not be at a place of “Acceptance” with our limitation(s), but rather only have so much as a “reluctant admission”.

Next we look at what it is exactly that we are admitting: That we are in fact POWERLESS over ____________. Powerless is a powerful word isn’t it?

Powerless:      Without Power

Powerful:       Having great power, force or authority

An absolute truth is that one can’t be Powerful and Powerless at the same time. So either you DO have the power over a situation or you DO NOT have power over a situation. (This is not to say you can’t 'affect' a situation by the exertion of your will) Understanding this truth, then allows for the journey to proceed!

Affect:            To act on or influence

The second part of this first principle is admitting that the byproduct of the on-going area of powerlessness – is the part(s) of your life that have become unmanageable. The word, “become” is important here, as it helps to clarify that those parts of your life being affected adversely aren’t “just happening”…but are the “by-product” or “result” of something.

Manageable:              Able to be managed or controlled    

Unmanageable:         Difficult or impossible to manage, control or use

It is important to note that the identification of powerlessness and the resulting unmanageability is NOT a negative thing…in fact it is the beginning of revelation, hope, freedom and wholeness! You see, as long as we only look at our problem areas and continue attempting to reassert “our solutions”, (the same ones that have failed to produce long term results and change), then we will continue to see the area(s) of unmanageability grow as our sense of hope dwindles. On the other hand – by identifying and admitting our area(s) of powerlessness and unmanageability – we then gain a footing to begin moving in a new direction, taking new action, thereby gaining new and lasting results!

As we close, a reminder note: It is in this step where the first “chip” is made in the exterior façade of “I’m FINE”, and where self-honesty is first used. How often do you say, (in reply to someone asking how you are doing), “Oh – I’m fine”? Seriously, how likely is it that you could have an arm lopped off, your car wrecked and your house burned down and you would STILL answer that question ~ “Oh – I’m fine” ?? Really quick I want to give you an acronym for “fine” and encourage you to use this as a tool to build upon in communicating to yourself and others “how you are doing”: 

F          -           Frustrated

I           -           Insecure

N         -           Nervous

E         -           Exhausted

 In closing: Ultimately it is our choice whether we use new solutions with new results or continue to try and make old broken solutions that don’t work – work. The truth is, the goal should be to strive in the area of new solutions, even if you hang on to the old ones. If you will, you’ll find that the new solutions you gain will cause you to be more likely to let go of those that don’t.

 What to do: (This is something you can work on in your own time and I encourage you before starting and after finishing to give yourself time for prayer and meditation) 

1. What is it in YOUR life that you have tried to control, but realize you are powerless over? 

2. In what way(s) has this caused unmanageability in your life?

 

 ©2015-2023 Rebecca Balko  

 

The Infinite

 

I awoke this monring to my alarm going off with its irritating 'BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!', as my arm spastically felt its way in a blind effort to hit the snooze for the now THIRD time. Rolling over and looking at the clock, I found that I now had approximately 35 minutes to get cleaned up, dressed, put the house together, take care of our dog Zeke and get on the road to work. Jolting up, I turned on the TV as I began my hurried routine, and that's when I heart it - "Today marks the anniversary of 9/11". For just those first few minutes upon awakening, I'd not remembered. I stopped what I was doing, (as my mind began to set aside the trivial issues of the morning), and grasped that quite literally, thousands upon thousands of people knew EXACTLY what today was the MOMENT that they awoke this morning: It was the day that they lost someone they loved - It was the day they witnessed something first hand, that changed them forever - It was the day they survived something that so many other didn't - It was the day they risked everthing for their fellow man. Sitting down a moment, as the gravity of it all sank into my conciousness; I could only pray for them to be comforted and strengthened on this day of memorial.

Certainly everyone was impacted by what happened in this nation Steptember 11, 2001. I don't know anyone who doesn't remember exactly where they were the moment they became aware that passenger airliners were flying or had flown into the World Trade Center - Towers I and II; into the Pentagon; and into a field in Shanksville, PA.

I was in my hotel room by Mobile Bay in Mobile, AL - having just gotten out of the shower and drying my hair when I saw on the television screen, a plane flying into the World Trade Center. I recall initially thinking it was a movie preview and slowly realizing that what I was seeing was real. Turning up the sound, I sat on the corener of the bed and listened as the news anchor, (fighting his own emotion), attempted to articulate what was happening in live time. At that point both towers had been hit. I called family and then went to the lobby of the hotel, as I could not stand to watch what was unfolding alone. Walking towards the lobby I saw about 15 military personnel talking to staff at the front desk and then I saw to my right, a group of people around a television, where I then went to watch what, in a few minutes, would unfold. As the towers collapsed, I remember my ears ringing and I could hear my own crying, (as if distanced from myself), and then, like the volume being turned back up, became aware of the cries and gasps of those around me. What I recall most is that no one was really talking, but rather, total strangers were weeping and simply embracing one another.

I came to realize that what happened in the hotel lobby that morning, was that all of us were being confronted with something infinate and attempting to grasp it with a finite mind. We were witnessing true evil, darkness and depravity on a scale, (that likely in the lifetime of those present), had never been experienced before. I have found that a natural impulse to such senselessly vile acts is to attempt to understand them with our intellect. The truth is however, that our intellect can only go so far in the search for such understanding - but can certainly never fully comprehend the acts of that day or of any other kind of depraved indifference that we see in our world today.

With access to news, information and images 24/7 it is easy to bombard ourselves with this infinite darkness, which makes way and opens the door to feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiousness, anger and sadness that often leads to a skewed view of the world, our lives and our future.

The truth is though...this is only the darker side of something infinite, because there is another Infinite that is so much greater and so much MORE powerful - which is an infinite God. What do I mean by that? The infiniteness of: Love - which can be seen immediately in the eyes of parents as they bring their little ones into the world and see them for the first time, being filled with an awareness that nothing will EVER matter more to them than this precious little life; Forgiveness - which defies all logic in its ability to truly move beyond circumstances and pains which would be impossible, if not unfathomable; Hope - the very miracle of it! It is what allows the human spirit to prevail through circumstances beyond comprehention, enabling them to rise above and not be bound nor held down by them.

The greatest darkness can be destroyed in an INSTANT by the tiniest amount of light; The deepest resentment can be annihilated with the smallest step towards forgiveness; The loneliest moment of hopelessness can vanish with one small word of encouragment! I think today it behooves us to remember that everyday...ALL DAY...we are surrounded by and have access to the Infinite - Who will always provide unlimited peace, hope and restoration with as little as one request.

(c) 2014-2022 Rebecca Balko

TANGELOS

 

It was 1985 on a warm humid spring morning in the small southeastern town of Marbury, Alabama. Early morning fog rested just atop the bean fields across an old dirt road, while the piercing sound of Periodical Cicadas, (13 Year Locusts), filled the air with their endless song just outside the sliding glass doors of the small wooden blue house which sheltered myself and thirteen others. On our side of the house there was one counselor and six of us girls with one bathroom...(you heard me right). On the other side of the house were the house parents and their 4 kids. I had arrived to live there after a relatively long stay on the psychiatric floor of a hospital in Birmingham, AL and a not so long stay at a secondary treatment program following that.

But let me back up a bit. I had been placed in a double lock down psychiatric unit following a lengthy binge of cocaine, vodka and pills, which left me both homicidal and suicidal. In route to end my life, with a loaded gun and suicide note, an intervention, (which I had viewed as an abduction), by my family occurred, which resulted in my admission to the hospital for an extended visit. Once being transferred to a less secure wing, my family spoke to me about a Christian Girl’s Home that I should consider going to with a 1 year free program. I wanted no part of it. Upon leaving the hospital my parents had been given a grim prognosis that they needed to get me placed on disability, put me in a group home and that I would never be capable of functioning independently.

Following the hospital, I was admitted to a secondary treatment program where I lasted only a few weeks. One day I became aware that my mouth was telling one story, while my mind was planning something totally different – how to get out and use. My level of functioning was very low and I found myself unable to verbalize the fear I was experiencing. As I sat in my room I found a Bible and hoped that it would somehow give me direction with the “open and point method”. So I opened it up with my eyes closed and pointed my finger, which landed on Psalm 69: 1-20 and saw before my eyes the words for exactly what I was feeling. I read it out loud, as they were the only words I could speak as a prayer to a God I had long since run from. Upon finishing, the name of that girl’s home came into my mind like a flashing billboard. I ran downstairs, (just as crazy as could be), saying the name of the home, (Cannan Land), over and over and over – along with - “Call my mom! Call my mom!” My counselor did and off I went to the girl’s home.

I arrived with a cigarette in each hand, having smoked several packs on the ride down, being it was a non-smoking program. Getting out of the car, the pastor of the home came up with a big smile and told me my life was going to change. I took his statement with cynicism thick enough you could have cut it with a knife – but I was at that moment, willing to go to any lengths. However as days passed, filled with “group” morning prayers and multiple Bible studies each day I was fast reaching my limit. The tipping point came on this particular morning as our counselor declared that we could pray and ask God for things that mattered to us and if we did so believing He would answer our prayers. Well, there it was…I had reached my limit and I thought, “THAT IS IT! I’m taking her down!”

Now before I go any further, let me say that this program was fully supported by donations and the income of the pastor and his wife. It was during this time that some pretty negative issues had been becoming public knowledge with a certain television evangelist, resulting in, (apparently), a drop in donations to faith based programs. As a result we had not had fruit to snack on in a good while and being that this program also didn’t allow any “sugar products”…I was really missing sweet fruits.

So back to the story:  Upon our counselor’s previously mentioned claim I spoke up and called her on it. I said, “Oh really? Anything we pray for, you’re saying that God will answer it?” To which she said, “If you are willing to believe and trust Him, yes that is what I’m saying. Do you want to pray for something Rebecca?” Feeling very defiant towards this woman and her claims, as well as attempting, (with what little faculties I had), to think of something that would surely prove her wrong ~ I said, “As a matter of fact I do – let’s ask God to bring us fruit!” She replied, “OK, let’s pray!” and all the girls bowed their heads. I thought, “No! This was TO EASY…to possible!” So abruptly I said, “STOP! Wait! I want to be more specific – let’s pray for oranges!” The counselor didn’t skip a beat and said, “No problem – oranges it is!” I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I thought, “The only reason they are acting like this is because it’s not that impossible!” My heart pounding and mind racing I said, “STOP!! No! I want to change it…let’s pray for Tangerines!” (Surely this would get them!) But no…not this lady and certainly not this group of girls – incredibly they actually bowed their heads to start praying. I just couldn’t take it anymore – every bit of anger, bitterness, fear and frustration bubbled up at one time and I screamed, “STOP IT! STOP IT! I want to make it REALLY specific…I want to pray for TANGELO’S!”

For those of you who’ve never enjoyed the experience of tasting this delicious fruit or perhaps never even heard of it ~ A Tangelo, (also known as a Honeybell), is a hybrid of a tangerine (Mandarin Orange) and a Grapefruit (closely related to the Pomelo). The Honeybell citrus fruit is believed to have originated in Southeast Asia around 3,000 years ago, while the hybrid Tangelo it’s self is said to have been first made by Dr. Walter T. Swingle (Florida) in 1897. Tangelo’s are best known for their easy to remove peel and, (when ripe), their high concentration of juice and I LOVED them!!!

But I digress…returning to the moment that changed my life:

They all just stared at me, initially saying nothing. Feeling quite proud of myself, I was certain that I had made them all realize the foolishness of this “exercise in prayer”. The counselor softly said to me, “Are you sure that is it?” Quite defiantly and with a sarcastic grin I said, “Oh yeah, I’m sure.” Incredibly they all bowed their heads and prayed for me to get my tangelos. I couldn’t believe it! While at the table following the Bible study meeting, a horn honked outside. The girls and our counselor went outside and as I followed I observed a rather large man in worn out denim overalls explaining to our counselor that he had produce to unload, had heard about our program and thought we might like it. I noticed the other girls, many of whom were giggling, were all looking directly at me. My counselor said, “Come on down here Becky – you need to see this.” As I rounded the corner of the truck what I saw caused such a reaction that my entire body began to tremble and my skin to perspire…there before my eyes ~ was an entire truck load of TANGELOS! My head spinning and heart racing, I could only think to do one thing ~ I ran for my bedroom and fell on my knees telling God “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! ~ I believe! I believe!!

Yes, I’m a firm believer that God, in all of His goodness, meets us right where we are and often with good humor. Needless to say, after that day I became willing to believe He could restore even my mind…and you know what? “He did!”

 

 ©2012-2022 Rebecca Balko

Identifying Beliefs ~ Step 2

 Step 2:   Came to believe that God (who is greater than ourselves) could restore us to sanity.

Step two is about having a suspicion that God can restore wholeness.  (This is different than having “knowledge” that this is true, based on results attained by actions that have been taken).  ALL spiritual growth begins with the cornerstone of first having a suspicion that taking certain actions will somehow be beneficial to us. *In other words…to take Step 2 it is not necessary to “know” or have “faith” that (A) Got will OR (B) that God can restore sanity (wholeness)…rather it is only needed to have a ”belief” (i.e. ~ a suspicion) that it is “possible.” It is in this step that willingness comes into play.

We look now at the first part of Step 2: Came to believe…and here there are definitions to understand the context of what IS happening and what is NOT happening as this step is taken.  It can be said that when we decide to begin the steps we first “came” into a place of learning. As we proceeded we “came to” a place of understanding. To better understand this, we will look at definitions and scripture to put this principle in context.

The very beginning of Step 2 is stating, (not in the present tense – we are coming to – but rather in the past tense), that “We came to…”.

Came to          -           To waken; To raise up; Arrive at; Reach a conclusion

Why would it read this way? Because before we approached this step we determined two important things:

 (1) The area in which we have powerlessness

(2) The unmanageability in our lives, resulting from that powerlessness

This information brings us from a point of lacking reason to hope for real change, to a place of “coming to” or waking up! Next we look at what we are waking up to…and that is to BELIEVE. It is important here to unpack this word and how in this context it differs from the word “faith”.

Suspicion         -           A feeling (or belief) that something is true; a belief

Believe            -           To think/suspect that something is true or correct

OR

Belief               -           The feeling of being certain that something exists or is true

To believe (or have belief) – is to have a suspicion strong enough that it results in taking action. When Step 2 says, “We came to believe…” it is saying that we have reached a point where we have begun learning information, hearing about and gaining hope from others, and have a suspicion that moving forward will be good for us.

ALL spiritual growth begins with the cornerstone of “belief”…because we do not pursue spiritual matters unless we FIRST suspect they will be beneficial.

 On the other hand we have the word “faith” - definition:

 Faith                -           A high degree of trust or confidence; requires action

When there is not a clear understanding in the subtle difference between the words “belief and faith” in the context of this important step, it can cause misunderstanding and a lack of progress in a forward direction:  

 You are looking at the area(s) you have identified in your life that you:

(a) Are powerless over

(b) Have unmanageability with

At a point, you begin, ( or began), to realize that though you’ve tried many times to come to terms with an area(s) (or) to overcome it all together – it has been with limited, to no lasting success. When this is the reality experienced, we cannot yet have a “high degree of trust or confidence” that this new effort is going to bring about lasting change (and) the “actions” we’ve taken up until now have not resulted in the long term outcome we have been seeking.

So by definition we are not at a place yet of “faith”. In fact, what we are dealing with is sometimes actually “doubt”:

 Doubt              -           A feeling of uncertainty; to feel uncertain about

Thankfully, to proceed in Step 2 it is not necessary to yet have “faith” (by the definition given) – but rather to simply “believe” (which allows room to simultaneously be experiencing doubt in the midst of it), and continue forward through the steps, which will change what began as simply a belief, transforming it to faith in action!

Next we move to the middle portion of Step 2: …that God (who is greater than ourselves) could restore us to sanity.

Now, it is safe to say that intellectually we all know that God is greater…but then if we knew it to our very core – would we ever take things back that we give to Him in an effort to fix them ourselves? NOPE! But then that is the dilemma of being human – just as a child will think that they don’t need their parent, so too will we struggle with our Creator God. It is helpful to have a point of context that enables us to understand better and in a “results based” manner, this truth and this is one:       

Mankind is finite: Having bounds or limits; Subject to limits or conditions; Limited

God is infinite: Immeasurably great; indefinite; unlimited; boundless; Limitless

The next portion of Step 2 is…could restore us to sanity: “Could” ~ which means it’s up to YOU - to invite Him into your situation.

Restore           -           Overhaul; Reinstate; Repair; Reestablish; Rebuild; Bring back

Last we take a look at the final aspect of Step 2 which references “Sanity”. First we will look at two words:

Sanity              -           Which comes from the Latin word – sanitus – which means “complete or whole”

Insanity           -           Which comes from the Latin word – insanitus – “incomplete or not whole”                                   

Another common definition of insanity is: Repeating the same failed actions and expecting different results.

Putting all of this information together now: Step 2 – We came to suspect that God (who is greater than ourselves) could restore wholeness to our lives.

What to do: (This is something you can work on in your own time and if you would like a prayer – see #3)

 

1. What areas of your life are not whole?
2. Do you suspect that an infinite God can restore wholeness to you?
3. Prayer: God, in your infinite mercy and grace I come to you believing that you can restore wholeness in this area of my life and I ask that you would be with me in the steps ahead – Thank you – amen

   

                                                                                           © 2015-2022 Rebecca Balko