The Infinite ~ Remembering 9/11

I awoke this morning to my alarm going off with its irritating "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!", as my arm in a most spastic fashion, felt its way in a blind effort to his the snooze for now the THIRD time. Rolling over and looking at the clock, I found that I now had approximately 35 minutes to get cleaned up, dressed, get the house put together, take care of our dog Zeke and get on the road to work. Jolting up, I turned on the TV as I began my hurried routine, and that's when I heard it - "Today marks the anniversary of 9/11". For just those first few minutes upon awakening, I'd not remembered. I stopped what I was doing, (as my mind began to set aside the trivial issues of the morning), and grasped that quite literally, thousands upon thousands of people knew EXACTLY what today was the MOMENT that they awoke this morning: It was a day they survived something that so many others didn't - It was a day they risked everything for their fellow man. Sitting down a moment, as the gravity of it all sank into my consciousness; I could only pray for them to be comforted and strengthened on this day of memorial.

Certainly everyone was impacted by what happened in the nation September 11, 2001. I don't know anyone who doesn't remember exactly where they were the moment they became aware that passenger airliners were flying or had flown into the World Trade Center's - Tower I and Tower II; into the Pentagon; and into a field in Shanksville, PA.

I was in my hotel room by Mobile Bay in Mobile, AL, having just gotten out of the shower and drying my hair when I saw on the television screen, a plane flying into the World Trade Center. I recall initially thinking it was a movie preview and slowly realizing that what I was seeing was real. Turning up the sound, I sat on the corner of the bed and listened  a the news anchor, (fighting his own emotion), attempted to articulate what was happening in live time. At that point both towers had been hit. I called family and then went to the lobby of the hotel; as I could not stand to watch what was unfolding alone. Walking toward the lobby I saw about 15 military personnel talking to staff at the front desk and then I saw to my right, a group of people around a television, where I then went to watch what, in a few minutes, would unfold. As the towers collapsed, I remember my ears ringing and I could hear my own crying, (as if distanced from myself), and then, (like the volume being turned back up), became aware of the cries and gasps of those around me. What I recall most is that no one was really talking, but rather, total strangers were weeping and simply embracing one another.

I came to realize that what happened in that hotel lobby that morning, was that all of us were being confronted with something infinite and attempting to grasp it with our finite mind. We were witnessing true evil, darkness and depravity on a scale, (that likely in the lifetime of those present), had never been experienced before. I have found that a natural impulse to such senselessly vile acts is to attempt to understand it with the use of our intellect. The truth is however, that our intellect can only go so far in the search for such understanding - but can certainly never fully comprehend the acts of that day or of any other kind of depraved indifference that we see in our world today.

With access to news, information and images 24/7, it is easy to bombard ourselves with the infinite darkness, which makes way and opens the door to feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiousness, anger and sadness - that often lead to a skewed view of the world, our lives and our future.

The truth is though...this is only the darker side of something infinite, because there is another Infinite that is so much greater and so much MORE powerful - which is an infinite God. What do I mean by that? The infiniteness of: Love - which can be seen immediately in the eyes of parents as they bring their little ones into the world and see them for the first time, being filled with an awareness that nothing will EVER matter more to them than this precious little life; Forgiveness - which defies all logic in its ability to truly move beyond circumstances and acts which would seem impossible, if not unfathomable; Hope - the miracle of it! It is what allows the human spirit to prevail through circumstances beyond comprehension, enabling them to rise above and not be bound or held down by them.

The greatest darkness can be destroyed in an INSTANT by the tiniest amount of light; The deepest resentment can be annihilated with the smallest step towards forgiveness; The loneliest moment of hopelessness can vanish with one small world of encouragement! I think today it behooves us to remember that everyday...ALL DAY...we are surrounded by and have access to the Infinite - Who will always provide unlimited peace, hope and restoration with as little as one request.

©2014-2021 Rebecca Balko

THE EAGLE'S NEST

 

The eagle is an incredible animal, both in its presence, as well as its behaviors. Their body size, (depending on the species and sex), can range from 30 inches to 40 inches in length, with a weight of 8 to 15 pounds. Wing span can range from 6 feet to an incredible 8 feet! Eagles are capable of flying as high as 10,000 feet and can dive at between 100 to 150mph, when aiming for their prey. The average lifespan of an eagle in the wild is 15 to 20 years, although 30 years is not that uncommon. An interesting behavioral fact about the eagle is that it is the only bird that will fly DIRECTLY into a storm, rather than avoiding it and finding a safer place. By flying into the storm cloud the eagle is able to use updrafts, which allow it to soar higher and faster - at speeds of 80 to 100mph.

One of the most fascinating aspects of the Eagle is the dynamic between the mother and the baby eaglet. Of all the birds - it is the baby eaglet that is the hardest to teach to fly. This is believed to be in large part, because the nests are located high in the mountains with very steep drops to rocky terrain below. The babies see this and have no desire to leave the nest. When it is time for that baby to begin learning to fly, the mother will stir the nest. You see, up until this point the nest is a very warm, safe and comfortable place for the eaglet. All of its needs are met there - food, safety and the comfort of its mother's wings. But the mother then begins to walk around the inside of the nest, breaking twigs and turning over the leafy content, causing holes to be produced in the nest structure, thereby allowing the wind access to the inside. It also causes the twigs to poke upward creating discomfort to the eaglet. The mother does this quite literally to make the eaglet desire to leave the nest.

Often this process works and the babies will begin the act of learning to fly. Sometimes however, they are not convinced that leaving is a good idea, and still wish to remain in the nest. The mother will then begin "hovering over the baby". The mother  will flap her large wings just above the eaglet ~ who will freak out and run around looking for a place to hide...but there is none. The mother will rest and then repeat the process again and again. The reasoning behind this? "To get that eaglet motivated!" The baby eaglet however, will actually learn the mother's pattern to rest and will take the opportunity to jump on the back of the mother's neck ~ so that mom can't get him with her wings anymore! While the eaglet may think himself to be smart...in reality, this was the plan of the mother all along.

At this point the mother will then take off with her baby attached to her back and soar with him, very high in the air. Just as the eaglet begin to relax and take it all in, she will shoot out from under that baby, allowing it to have to flap its wings trying to fly as it falls to earth. The eaglet of course, isn't strong enough yet. But no worries...she will fly below the eaglet before it can hit the ground and then take it back up again. She will repeat this process each time and the eaglets wings will become stronger as it fights and tries to fly. Ultimately she will him back to the safety of the nest to warm and comfort him with her wings. This is done until the baby learns to fly. Once this is completed, the mother still will not leave the eaglet - but instead she will begin to teach him how to build a nest and to hunt.

Sadly, the reality is that sometimes there are eaglets that simply refuse to learn to fly. When the mother eagle drops the eaglet so that it can strengthen its wings, the eaglet will simply fold its wings and let itself drop, so that the mother will do the work. When this happens the mother, realizing the eaglet is refusing to learn, will take it for a final flight and going out from under, will allow it to fall to its death. Though it appears harsh, it is believed that she does this to protect the eaglet from a more horrible and slow death from starvation, beast or freezing.

A friend and mentor of mine, (Jim Swoager), in Birmingham, AL, some years ago, used the metaphor of the eagle's nest with me, in an effort to show me what was happening in my life at that time. I had spent the first 17 years of my sobriety with the same friends and support group, living in the same city, keeping the same job and lived within a rocks throw of my parents. I was married, had bought my first home and enjoyed the sound of little feet and laughter from my step daughters every other weekend. Due to the loss of a job, my husband ended up applying for a job in south Florida. It took about 6 weeks to find out if he had it. During that period, I spent most of it in denial and completely uninterested in even entertaining the thought of this happening. Basically, I was in a very comfortable place. When they flew him down for his final interview, reality began setting in. I was in a total state of panic - I had NEVER even thought about living anywhere else or DOING anything else. I met with my friend and he told me about the eagle's nest and said, "For whatever reason Rebecca...God is taking your nest apart. You are ready now and it is time for you to fly girl."

When my husband got word that he had the job, he had to leave 6 days later. Just like that everything had changed. I had two choices at that point: (1) Cling to the nest and lose out on what God had planned for me or (2) Take the next right step and find out . After moving here and going through the process of growth that occurred as a result of these changes, I became interested in learning more about the eagle. Through the aforementioned, it became clear to me what a close correlation there is between this aspect of nature and our own lives on a spiritual level. Not only through the process of just growing up ~ but more so ~ in going through the process of recovery.

We enter into treatment and/or the rooms of recovery and it is a safe place to be. We have lots of warm faces, words of encouragement and reassurance surrounding us. We are allowed a time to "just be" and to rest. But soon we begin hearing about what we need to do to prepare for the real world, so that we can live life on life's terms. The sponsor working with us, (whether that be a therapist or sponsor), will inevitably begin to stir up our nest. Disheveling our comfortable place and poking holes in our ideas of how things should work. They will bring forth truths that poke at us and make it uncomfortable for us to sit idly by in our safe place. Why do they insist on doing this to us?? I will tell you - it is to get us motivated!!! Ultimately the person working with us will take us from idling in our safe place and will lift us to places we have never been - where we can see what needs to be done. They will allow us to make decisions and let us go, so that we can begin trying to apply what we are learning. Sure, in the beginning it's like a train wreck most of the time...but that isn't the point. We are developing spiritual muscle. Sadly this isn't the choice of everyone. There are those who refuse to learn and refuse to grow. Waiting for someone else to save them ~ they allow their wings to fold and they fall. One day, there is no one there to catch them.

But when we DO decide to begin working the steps, (to fly directly into the storm), this process raises us to a dependency and relationship with the God who loves us. Often we will not want to leave the safety of our little nests...but God to, will allow us discomforts that cause us to be placed in a position for change. He will lift us far above our circumstances, with moments of great peace and tranquility, where our view is much larger and clearer. Then, like the mother eagle, our Creator will swoop out from under us, allowing us to practice the spiritual tools we have been given ~ but growing, we are never far from the safety of God's hand. As time goes on, we become stronger and our lives improve. God won't just get us flyer (sober), but like that mother eagle, will also ensure us everything that we will need to survive and thrive. I for one am forever grateful, for my Eagle's Nest experience.

(c)2010-2021 Rebecca Balko

A Declaration ~ July 4, 1776

~ We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness ~

I don't know if is because of age, life experience, increased awareness, where I am in my personal life, or if perhaps it is a combination of them all...but I find myself far more aware of our National holidays and their true meanings than I've ever been at any other time in my life. Especially the holidays regarding our military history and the men and women who enable us to have all the freedoms and liberties that we enjoy. (Holiday's such as Armed Forces Day; Veteran's Day; Memorial Day and the 4th of July - Independence Day)

There was a time in my life, (and I hate to say it), where for the most part, these holidays meant being off work, doing something fun, partying, relaxing, etc... Other than an intellectual acknowledgement of what the day was actually about, I really didn't give it much thought. It was a day that often, (looking back on it now), was all about me and what I wanted to do on "my time off". Never did I really "think" about what these days were set aside for ~ or the gravity of what they are really about.

More than any other time I can recall, September 11, 2001 changed everything. It changed how I looked at the world around me and gave me a humble awareness that "I should understand not just in my mind...but in my heart, why I have the life that I do!" Why my life is different than that of most of world. To understand why I have choices and opportunities most of the world's population would dare not even dream about. Why I have the clothes on my back, water to drink anytime I want it, food in my stomach, with a pillow under and a roof over my head at night...luxuries that much of the world has to struggle to try to have on a daily basis.

What does Liberty, Freedom and Independence mean anyway?

Liberty is defined as: The right to choose; The freedom to think or act without being constrained by necessity or force. Freedom from capitivity or slavery; Free or allowed to do something. 

Of liberty John F. Kennedy said this:

"Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty."

Muhammad Ali said: 

"He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life."

Patrick Henry had this to say:

"Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains of slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me; give me liberty or give me death!"

Freedom is defined as: The ability to act freely; Release or rescue from being physically bound, or from being confined, enslaved, captured or imprisoned. The state of not being subjected to something unpleasant.

Of Freedom, Dwight D. Eisenhower had this to say:

Freedom has its life in the hearts, the actions, the spirit of men and so it must be daily earned and refreshed ~ else like a flower cut from its life-giving roots, it will wither and die."

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr said: "I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality...I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word."

Charles de Gaulle said this:

History does not teach fatalism. There are moments when the will of a handful of free men breaks through determinism and opens up new roads."

Independence is defined as: Freedom from control; Freedom from dependence on or control by another person, organization or state. It also means sovereignty, autonomy, liberty, individuality and liberation. 

On the subject of independence here are some quotes:

"Without moral and intellectual independence, there is no anchor for national independence." ~ David Ben-Gurion

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed." ~ Booker T. Washington

To safeguard democracy the people must have a keen sense of independence, self-respect and their oneness. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

"In the beginning of change, the patriot is a scarce man, brave, hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot." ~ Mark Twain

Such strong and passionate words, perhaps spoken of by men who deep within themselves already had an innate and humble awareness of liberty and freedom ~ or perhaps spoken by men who, having started in the face of the alternative and having seen that truth therein, found themselves consumed by a passion that would allow for nothing to ever come before it. For it is in Liberty that we find our Freedom and it is in our Freedom that we have Independence and finally, it is in our Independence that we have Life as we know it today.

There are certain behaviors that insure our ability to have Liberty, Freedom and Independence, which result in our life as we know it and those are: Service - Helpful action being done for someone else ; Perseverance - Determined, steady or continued action or belief; Battle - To fight or struggle against powerful forces.

In looking at our Independence Day I am filled with gratitude, honor and pride that I am an American and that I live in a Nation that allows me Liberty, Freedom and Independence. But it also causes me to reflect on it in an even more personal way. My Independence day was October 4, 1988 ~ alone in my room, realizing that I had reached a point of making a decision to either continue how I had been going and die for nothing (OR) prepare for the battle of a lifetime and truly live for something. It was on that day that I saw with absolute clarity that I had existed as nothing more than a captive to my addiction. That my actions, thoughts, self-worth and indeed my very sense of being was under the attack and control of a foreign force that wished to strip me of all I was as a human being, cast me aside and see me dead. I realized in that moment, that for me, it was now worth everything to LIVE. If it cost a job or a relationship ~ so be it! Knowing I was walking into unfamiliar territory where I didn't know how to live ~ no longer mattered. I only needed  to answer a few questions ~ Did I or didn't I want to live above all else? Did I or didn't I want freedom, liberty and independence more than anything? Was I willing to do whatever it would take, no matter how long it might take ~ to live free of alcohol and drugs? Would my insecurity with God be my excuse to say no (OR) would I take a risk, ask for help and live?

Thankfully my choice was LIFE. I reached that point of utter desperation that is referenced in the pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, when I one night said, "God, you either are or you are not. You are to be everything in my life or you are to be nothing in my life. God I choose You!" I have found that since that day the same truths shared in the quotes mentioned earlier have proven absolutely true. What a gift this independence is! No more being bound to that old life, no more chains of addiction, no more emptiness, no more hopelessness ~ no more enslaving myself to that harsh task master of destruction. This is a battle worth fighting and defending daily. I think I can sum it up best in this quote by Charles Kingsley, "There are two freedoms - the false, where a man is free to do what he likes; the true, where he is free to do what he ought."

To ALL the members of our armed forces and their families, "Thank You and God bless you all!"

(c) 2013-2022 Rebecca Balko

 

THE ADDICTION OF ANGER

"Nothing consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment" ~ Fredrich Nietzsche

We all experience anger, which comes out in various ways such as: envy, jealousy, bitterness, rage, loathing, impatience and even...self pity. The response to it varies from person to person. There are some who try to avoid anger at all costs - quite literally "refusing to be angry", to the extent of refusing to acknowledge it to anyone including themselves; There are those who's response is not to ignore it, but rather to be willfully defiant of its power, by shoving it down to the extent that they become sick from it; There are those, who upon feeling anger, demonstrate a controlled affect by an overt expression of "calm", through both their physical gestures and vocal tone - in an effort to maintain emotional order; Still again, there are those on the other end of the spectrum that when they feel anger, it is embraced and then expelled in rage filled outbursts, (verbal and/or physical), upon whomever may or may not be present to experience it.

"Whatever is begun in anger...ends in shame" ~ Benjamin Franklin

We have all known someone who fits one or more of these descriptions. In fact, we've experienced at least one of these reactions ourselves. All of these forms of anger are rooted in resentment and they all have a few things in common:

        1.    The original cause of the anger has already come and gone

        2.    The cause is replayed in the mind more than once

        3.    Every time it is re-played it intensifies the emotion being experienced

So let's take a look at this word resentment, which is defined as: the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc...regarded as causing injury or insult. It comes from the Latin prefix (re) which means again (as in repeat) and (sentire) which means to feel. When we experience resentment we are actually "re-playing" in our mind, what angered us and "re-feeling" that experience. The reason for the re-playing and re-feeling is actually an attempt to change something that has already occurred - which of course can't happen because we are not able to change the past. This person can find themselves then caught up in a mental loop of sorts, where the event is played over and over in the mind, (often with varying scenarios), ultimately resulting in no real change - and therefore no real relief. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous describes resentment as "the number one offender that destroys more alcoholics than anything else" and we can see with this description why this would be the case, as alcohol would provide an outside means to stop the tape from playing or leading one to have an altercation in an effort to resolve or gain relief from the emotion being experienced.

"Bitterness and resentment only hurt one person, and it's not the person we're resenting ~ it's us" 

~ Alana Stewart

As human beings we can't rid ourselves of experiencing resentment ~ so how are we to manage them in a healthy way? Did God give us the ability to resent, and if yes - Why? AND...Is there any good that can come from resentment?

I will begin with whether God gave us the ability to resent: I do agree with and believe that God crated mankind with certain instinctual emotions in place - one of them being the ability to have resentment. The reason for this instinct is: (A) To insure that our needs for survival would be met and (B) To make us competitive and strive to achieve success. An example for each is:

(A)    A new mother is often very tired. The newborn may need to eat, have a diaper changed, be burped or just be held. This newborn is NOT going to take into  consideration mom's need to rest, but is instead going to begin to cry and continue to become more frantic until its needs are met. The instinctual emotion of resentment is in place to insure that the baby's needs are met, because it has no means of caring for itself or of communicating its needs verbally.

(B)    Two people go for a job interview - one is extremely qualified and believes the job is theirs and therefore does not prepare any further. The other applicant is less qualified and therefore prepares a great deal. They both interview and the less qualified applicant that prepared got the job. The one who didn't get the job realizes that their loss was due to pride and a lack of preparation and now is more determined than ever to be ready for the next interview.

The good that comes from resentment is that when it is used as intended, it causes us to do better, be better and achieve more in our lives. But knowing this does not mean we know how to manage our resentments so that we get the positive results rather than the negative ones that are so often experienced. Before we can have a solution, we must first have a full understanding of the problem. At this point we've discussed how the ability to resent is an emotional instinct given by God for the purpose of survival and to make us competitive so our lives can be successful and rewarding. The problem that arises however is that when we operate solely out of our instinct, (or self), without something to balance it, conflicts will arise. The balance that we are in need of comes from God. God's traits, (spiritual attributes), are that of: Love, Patience and Tolerance. Attaining these attributes of God, can only be achieved by growing in relationship and connection with God.

Example:     If I am running low on gas and my gas light is on, I can continue driving. When my car begins sputtering, I can still continue driving. But at some point, if I don't go outside of my car to get more gas put into my car...I will cease being able to drive it.

We are able to use our intellect to deal with resentments that occur in our daily lives, (in various forms), but there will always come a point where what we bring to the table is not enough. This is especially true with the deeper layers of anger that remind us of much older hurts that were never resolved. In fact, there are hurts that we often don't want to let go of, even though they cause us unhappiness or even misery. Often this unwillingness to let go is because of having had a lack of validation regarding wrongs that were done, resulting in feelings that we must keep the memory of it alive, thereby preventing the one who caused the hurt to somehow get "off the hook". In many cases, that old wrong has been played in the mind so many times that it's become a distorted way of trying to win a battle that has long been over and gone...but there seems no other known way to deal with it. The actress Carrie Fisher had this to say: 

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Anger is funny that way: On the one hand, it is quite provocative and titillating, in that the re-playing and re-feeling of resentment can affect us so deeply. It's as if one is able to hold on to a past moment and not allow time to steal it - resulting in a feeling of having defied time itself, and allowing sense of being in control. On the other hand, it eventually takes up so much space in the mind that it actually interferes with emotions, relationships with others and our own well being. At the point that a person becomes aware that this is happening and attempts to stop dwelling on the resentment, they may find themselves unable to do so. In fact, this often leads to developing self-resentment, (due to having dwelt so much upon the many scenarios of what "could have been said, but wasn't" and "should have been done, but wasn't"), resulting in regret for having not done these things. This pathway of thought ultimately ends in self-pity, resulting in a sense of failure and a belief that sharing this with others would do no good "because they would never understand" - all culminating in feelings of loneliness and isolation from the pain being felt. THIS is the moment, when anger has indeed become an addiction.

ADDICTION is defined as a state characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences.

A quote that I fell best summarizes this state of being goes like this:

"Anger is one letter short of DANGER" ~ unknown Author

So this bring us to the final question still left to answer: "How are we to manage resentment(s) in a healthy way?" I know that personally, my greatest and most exhausting battles have occurred on a very small sized battlefield that rests between my ears. I inevitably would, (and sometimes still will), wrestle with them as described above, until I've nothing left to fight with, leading me then to surrender that memory, that emotion, that moment in time that can never be reversed or redone...to the one who made me ~ my Creator.

One person who surely had reason for resentment in every form, yet found freedom had this to say:

"Once I knew the depth where no hope was, and darkness lay on the face of all things. Then love came and set my soul free. Once I knew only darkness and stillness. Now I know hope and joy. Once I fretted and beat myself against the wall that shut me in. Now I rejoice in the consciousness that I can think, act and attain heaven. My life was without past or future; death, the pessimist would say, "a consummation devoutly to be wished." But a little word from the fingers of another fell into my hand that clutched at emptiness and my heart leaped to the rapture of living. Night fled before the day of thought, and love and joy and hope came up in a passion of obedience to knowledge. Can anyone who escaped such captivity, who has felt the thrill and glory of freedom, be a pessimist?"

            ~ Helen Keller

You know, when a painter creates a masterpiece, they are the ONLY ONE who knows the true meaning and depth of that work of art. The reason for this is that they are the creator of this work - they put themselves into it and they know it like no one else can. Now, if something happens to that painting, there are those who are quite skilled in repair work...but who is the ONLY ONE that can restore it with all of the integrity and perfection that is needed? It is...the artist who created it. In my own life there were hurts that resulted in a good many self-destructive behaviors, (all rooted in unresolved anger), resulting in years of counseling and therapy. While I was blessed with many talented professionals who provided so much help and support, not one issue was ever fully dealt with and removed until I involved the One who created me, and that is because ONLY my Creator knew me better than anyone else, (including myself), and could restore me with all the integrity and beauty He had made me with.

(c) 2015-2021 Rebecca Balko

THE INFINITE

I awoke this morning to my alarm going off with its irritating, "BEEP!..BEEP!..BEEP!", as my arm spastically felt its way in a blind effort to hit the snooze for now the THIRD time. Rolling over and looking at the clock, I found that I now had approximately 35 minutes to get cleaned up, dressed, get the house put together, take care of our dog Zeke and get on the road to work. Jolting up, I turned on the TV as I began my hurried routing, and that's when I heard it -- "Today marks the anniversary of 9/11". For just those first few minutes upon awakening, I'd not remembered. I topped what I was doing, (as my mind began to set aside the trivial issues of the morning), and grasped that quite literally, thousands upon thousands of people knew EXACTLY what today was the MOMENT that they awoke this morning: It was a day that they lost someone they loved - It was a day they witnessed something first hand, that changed them forever - It was a day they survived something that so many others didn't - It was a day they risked everything for their fellow man. Sitting down a moment, as the gravity of it all sank into my consciousness; I could only pray for them to be comforted and strengthened on this day of memorial. 

Certainly everyone was impacted by what happened in this nation September 11, 2001. I don't know anyone who doesn't remember exactly where they were the moment they became aware that passenger airliners were flying or had flown into the World Trade Center - Towers I and II; into the Pentagon; and into a field in Shanksville, PA.

I was in my hotel room by Mobile Bay, in Mobile, AL, having just gotten out of the shower and drying my hair, when I saw on the television screen, a plane flying into the World Trade Center. I recall initially thinking it was a movie preview and slowly realizing that what I was seeing was real. Turning up the sound, I sat on the corner of the bed and listened, as they new anchor, (fighting how own emotion), attempted to articulate what was happening in live time. At that point both towers had been hit. I called family and then went to the lobby of the hotel; as I could not stand to watch what was unfolding alone. 

Walking towards the lobby I saw about 15 military personnel talking to staff at the front desk and then I saw to my right, a group of people around a television, where I went to watch, what in a few moments would be the greatest tragedy I ever witnessed until then, unfold. As the towers collapsed, I remember my ears ringing and I could hear my own crying, (as if distanced from myself), and then, (like the volume being turned back up), became aware of the cries and gasps of those around me. What I recall most is that no one was really talking, but rather, total strangers were weeping and simply embracing one another.

I came to realize that what happened in the hotel lobby that morning, was that all of us were being confronted with something infinite and trying to grasp it with a finite mind. We were witnessing true evil, darkness and depravity on a scale, (that likely in the lifetime of those present), had never been experienced before. I have found that a natural impulsive response to such senselessly vile acts is to attempt to understand it with the use of our intellect. The truth is however, our intellect can only go so far in the search for such understanding - but can certainly never fully comprehend the acts of that day or of any other kind of depraved indifference that we see in our world today.

With access to news, information and images 24/7 it is easy to bombard ourselves with this infinite darkness, which makes way and opens the door to feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiousness, anger and sadness that often lead to a skewed view of the world, our lives and our future.

The truth is though...this is only the darker side of something infinite, because there is another Infinite that is so much greater and so much MORE powerful - which is an Infinite God. What do I mean by that? The infiniteness of: Love - which can be seen immediately in the eyes of parents as they bring their little ones into the world and see them for the first time, being filled with an awareness that nothing will EVER matter more to them than this precious little life; Forgiveness - which defies all logic in its ability to truly move beyond circumstances and acts which would seem impossible, if not unfathomable; Hope - which is the miracle of it! It is what allows the human spirit to prevail through circumstances beyond comprehension, enabling them to rise above and not be bound or held down by them.

The greatest darkness can be dispelled in an INSTANT by the tiniest amount of light; The deepest resentment can be annihilated with the smallest step towards forgiveness; The loneliest moment of hopelessness, can vanish with one small word of encouragement! I think today it behooves us to remember that everyday...ALL DAY...we are surrounded by, and have access to, the Infinate - Who will always provide unlimited peace, hope and restoration with as little as one spoken request.

(c) 2014-2021 Rebecca Balko